Young Americans
Kiss And Tell

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Kiss And Tell

Opening credits. Smells like teen boy-love.

Coke commercial. Coke commercial.

I'm glad that I can now back up my hatred of Alyssa Milano with proof. Anyone who has ever done a 1-800-COLLECT commercial signed a contract to be despised by anyone with a television.

Overhead shot of the Prep School Without Classes. Some boy with a leather jacket walks down the dorm hallway. He's doing some sort of singing/scat thing. A blonde woman pulls a cigarette from behind his ear. "Welcome back, Gregor," she says. Ooh, I hope he turns into a roach. She says she thought he promised her he was going to quit smoking. "I will, Miss Fleming." Now, if we read everything about Young Americans we could find and didn't just rely on the weekly program we'd know that this woman is Verve's mother. But they really haven't said that, so I'll let you know now. She looks nothing like him, however. She's the wife of the dean. This is important to know now, because, again, they haven't really said this before. That and we've never seen her before. Why am I trying to explain everything? It's a bad show. They forget to explain who these people are.

On with the scene. "How's your husband?" Gregor asks. "Oh, the Dean?" Thanks. She says that he's just fine, but much less understanding about smoking than she is. She tucks his cigarette in her bag. "And Hamilton?" This is Verve. We finally know which of his names is his first name. I don't care. He's still Verve. There are only six episodes left of this thing, anyway. MamaVerve tells Gregor that Verve just started at Rawley this summer. "They grow up so fast, don't they?" Gregor says, and suddenly he has an accent. I just can't tell which kind of accent it is.

Gregor walks down the hallway and wanders into an empty dorm room. Okay, that's Paige and Gregor just transferring into this top-notch Prep School two weeks after classes began? Hmm. "What a dump," he says, with no trace of accent at all. I think he might still be pissed off for getting kicked off Making The Band.

MamaVerve stands at the window of an empty classroom. I think it's a classroom, anyway. There's bad pottery everywhere. There's a quick knock at the door. Finn moves quickly through the shadows over to her. "About the curriculum for poetry class?" he starts. "Right, right. It looks fine." She stops putting shells from a box onto the shelf: "Missing some estrogen, perhaps." Perhaps? "Does Shelley count?" Finn asks. Asshole. They look at each other and smile. "Mmm," Finn says. "Remember this song?" Whoa. It creeps me out when they can suddenly hear the loud background music that accompanies every single scene. "No," MamaVerve says. "Yeah, you do," Finn smiles while standing very close to her. "No, I don't," she says. "You, me, boathouse..." MamaVerve says, "You mean 'You and I in the boathouse.'" Good English teacher you guys hired, there. Finn looks down and gets all faux stern. "Don't correct my grammar," he says, then looks up at her, puts his hand on her tummy, and adds, "and I won't tell you who the father of Kewpie Dolls." "Take tens of us," she replies. Look, I rewound and listened six times, and that's all I could make out from under that crazy-loud Bryan Adams wannabe wailing in the background. And talking about Kewpie Dolls over a Bryan Adams wannabe is just the saddest thing ever. Ooh, I just rewound again and heard her say, "Don't do this." He still said, "Kewpie Dolls," though. Anyway, he pulls her closer, says, "Okay," and proceeds to kiss her. They make out for a long time as the piano gets all staccato on us, forcing my ears to bleed. Nice curriculum at this school. Maybe Will could minor in Grab Ass. Speaking of, an open door to a classroom filled with wrongful lust means Will's got to walk right in and ruin everything. Will stops at the door and watches them grope and tongue each other. As he turns back to walk away, he's stopped by Gregor's embrace. They pull an Ally McBeal and rip the music right off as Gregor starts speaking with his semi-accent. "And dat would beeee, introduction to grabbin' da deeeeeen's wife's ahhhhhhss." Hey, that's my line!

Will pulls away from Gregor's love and tells him, "If I were you I'd pretend I never saw that." "Why?" Gregor asks. "It's the summah session. Bikinis, mahhtinis and Lamborginis." I quickly check the MBTV forum to see if you guys hate this kid as much as I do. Funny, you're calling him Ryder. Why doesn't anyone on this show have a name that I can either hear, understand, or is given? I'm still calling him Gregor until I hear the word "Ryder" come out of someone's mouth. Gregor asks if he should knock on the door. Will says no. Gregor drums on the door. Inside, the Bryan Adams Lite goes back into his caterwauling. Finn and MamaVerve break apart. She asks Finn who's at the door. How's he supposed to know? Gregor runs off. So does Will. MamaVerve walks off with a smile. Finn looks down and shakes his head. I should have listened to my mother. She warned me, and now it's happened. My face is permanently stuck in a shit-smelling sneer.

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Young Americans

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