Fade to Scout, Will and Bella sitting on the pier in the setting sun as we have to hear Diet Dawson give the recap: "And so, our adventure begins. We find our heroes, and we uncover our fears. And sometimes, we triumph."

Dude. It's just the first episode. Calm your ass down.

One last Coke commercial. They got it in, those bastards.

Next week Terri's hair gets shorter, Bella says something about having been in a boys' dorm after hours before, there's a brawl between Will and Scout at a saloon, and Will looks at the ground while he sits on a stoop. You know you can't wait.

Is that sticky coating on my tongue from all the Coke, or from the saccharine dialogue? I'd better go brush my teeth, regardless. It's nasty. I feel like I just had oral sex with some Yellow Peeps.