Mad props to my late-night editor Jeff, who kept me going when I was sick of it all.
A summer to remember. Five fifteen-year olds discover more about themselves than they ever thought possible. I'm already nauseous. They call it "The Coca-Cola Summer Premiere: Young Americans." We'll call it Diet Dawson.
We open with overhead city shots accompanied by the song from that car commercial where all the kids are driving to a party in dad's expensive convertible and decide to turn around and keep making out while looking at the stars. They want us to have that feeling going into the show. It's not working.
Ah, the voice-over. The staple of every new teen drama. "New Rawley. For me, it's home. It's an okay place to grow up, but as far as options, it's kinda limited." We see a smaller Diet Dawson walk down a street. The shot changes to an exterior view of a school. "Rawley Academy. The Billionaire Boys' Club across town. Where summer session begins this week, on about a hundred acres of rolling hills. And get this: It's high school, without parents." We see brochure-friendly shots of the rolling hills, rowing on the lake, sunsets. "For those who attend, the future can be, well [laughs], anything. And now, maybe for me, too." Diet Dawson looks up from his journal as he leans against the tree. We go to a tight close-up as we fade to black. The car commercial song continues.
I already hate this show.
A boy in a red t-shirt with a white undershirt rides his bike. He's smiley. His hair blows. He's at least twenty-five years old. He pulls into a gas station, and it's supposed to be all old-timey, but it looks like he's riding his bike through the sets of Back to the Future and Gremlins. Red Shirt walks into the gas station, slowly walks over to the COCA-COLA freezer, pulls out a dripping cold COCA-COLA bottle, uses the bottle opener, and walks outside. Close-up on Red Shirt as he says, "Hi." We see a hand washing the front of a car. She assumes he needs directions to Rawley Academy. The blonde in the half-shirt likes to smirk. During her special close-up, she tells him that he can find Rawley by following his nose. "It smells just like money." Heh. Townie humor. Oh, the fun! He says that he actually just wanted to pay for the COCA-COLA. She gives a breathless smile. So does he. She says they're on the house. Smirk. Eyebrow raise. Blonde Smirk leans over to dump her rag in a bucket, and I assume the bucket will be filled with Diet Coke. But I'm just a tad off. Instead, Red Shirt (who is pretty much just wearing a Coke can) leans over and puts one of the COCA-COLA bottles on top of the car. Car commercial song starts up again. There's, like, an old gas pump there, for some reason. She grabs the bottle of COCA-COLA and smirks. She holds it and looks at it for a while. She looks off. Red Shirt is peddling away. He raises his bottle of refreshing COCA-COLA at her. He then smiles, and puts the cool, crisp COCA-COLA to his lips, and takes a big gulp as he pedals off. Fade to black.
If this show is going to be always Coca-Cola, I'm going to be sick. For real.