Young Americans
Pilot

Episode Report Card
Pamie: D | 4 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
They were Young Americans

Fade into a bunch of boys standing on the pier. Oh, and Terri, leaning against a post. I guess this is supposed to be some sort of class. Who knows. Verve walks up to Terri and says, "'Scool bike." Terri has the scariest ears I've ever seen. They hang three inches above the rim of her baseball cap, and they are all translucent and huge. Like baby elephant ears. Verve tells Terri that students aren't allowed to have motorcycles. Terri pulls the coolio by saying that she does lots of things students aren't allowed to do and no one has stopped her yet. Verve says that she'll eventually get busted unless she makes friends with someone who is in the know with the higher-ups. If she lets him ride it every once in a while. I'm bored. Verve calls her bike a "hog." Verve says he can keep a secret. "Can you?" Terri deadpans.

Oh, Captain, my Captain. "Afternoon, Gentlemen!" A man makes a beeline to the edge of the pier. "My name is Finn. No 'Mister' necessary." He walks straight into the lake. Everyone has a good laugh at the nutty professor. Will, however, takes this all very seriously, because he like, gets it, you know? "What?" Finn asks. He also has stubble. A little George Michael beard. He looks like Bill Pullman after an all-nighter with Nick Nolte. "It's time to throw convention out the window. Get ready for the greatest summer of your lives." Everyone smiles, looks down and thinks, "Because I'm getting laid! Woo-hoo!" Finn tells everyone to get in the boat. Everyone gets in the crew boat as the True Romance music starts up.

They row. Finn is in a different boat with a Janet Jackson headset on, asking the boys for the greatest writer that ever lived. Everyone is quite shy, until Will (who is pretty much just Ethan Hawke in Dead Poets Society for this entire scene) shouts, "Faulkner." Finn says that's interesting, but wrong. It's Shakespeare, because he's Finn's favorite. Oh, English teacher humor. When will it end? No, really. When does this end? Because I am so hating life right now, I can't even tell you. "Remember, I'm not just here to make you a kick-ass crew team, but to edify you about the superstars of literature." Now, let's welcome, all the way from Las Vegas, Siegfried and Roy!

Finn announces that the boys will learn of Shakespeare and Faulkner and Hemingway and Steinbeck. And they will only read books by men because they are men, and they will shake their penises at the world and give a mighty yawp. Terri looks concerned. That must be why they have her as the coxswain. Oh. They probably have her as coxswain for a joke. About the cock. And Swain. Like Swank. "Those guys have passion!" Finn interrupts my stream of consciousness. "Let me tell you about passion!" Please, do. "Doesn't come from here [points to head]. And it doesn't come from here [points to chest]. Comes from right here! [grabs and wiggles his crotch]." He tells Will that he's going to have to know these things if he's going to live up to his "impressive test scores." Apparently Will never learned how to cheat on a test, and got himself the third-highest test score in Rawley history. Smooth move, Diet Dawson. Someone does Terri's voice-over like Sean Young as she tells two-man that he's going into the water too early. The boys pass a group of scantily-clad girls shouting and waving on the shore. Finn tells them their heads should be in the boat. Whoa. I just saw some girl's ass. Smirks. Wind-blown hair. Smiles. Winking. Triumphant music plays. This is like watching Fraternity Vacation. Where's Wendy Jo Sperber? "Keep that up, you'll be catching a crab!" Thanks, Finn.

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Young Americans

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