Am I supposed to buy these Tidy Cat Crystals? I gotta tell you, I'm just getting used to clumps of clay under my toes after I shower. I'm not sure I'm gonna like month-old pee crystals. It's strange, though, that this kitty litter commercial makes me want to drink Fruitopia.
Scout and his dad are walking through a forest. See, it's sentences like that that make me think you guys assume I'm making all of this up. I'm not. Scout's dad is busting old-school on Scout. "You know, my first year I went here there was no Rawley Girls School." Them's some good proper speaking there, Mister Senator! Scout says he didn't know that. Senator Inappropriate says that he had to go into the town to date Townie chicks. "They were pretty cute." "They still are." Ew. The senator asks if Scout is seeing anybody. Instead of mentioning his girlfriend Paige, he says that he met this pretty, smart girl. There's just one problem. "She's my sister." Senator Cover-up laughs and says that is a big problem. Scout says that the Senator knew her mother. "What are you talking about?" Scout: "She knew you. She had a daughter." Scout got his face shot full of Botox before this scene. "What are you, joking?" "She's...fifteen years old...and...her mom is gone...she wants to meet you." This is my favorite line in this episode. Ready? Senator Ridiculous wins the worst-line competition with this gem: "Okay, so, what you're telling me is that there's some crazy girl running around town claiming to be my daughter?" Lock up your doors, New Rawley! There's a crazy girl running around! She's talking crazy talk! Hide your children! Scout's all, "She's not crazy," and I just can't stop giggling. The Senator says this is just not true. Scout says, "All right, then tell me this. When you came back for Homecoming, were you with a girl named Donna?" "Stop it." Scout's voice gets all strange and low and monotone and his eyes shoot blue ice as he drones, "I need to know was there a girl named Donna?" "I knew a lot of girls, Son," Senator Goodexample says. "How many?" Scout drones. They stare at each other for a long time. The announcement breaks in that the final race is about to begin. More staring. "Well, I think you've got a speech to make," Scout snarks. The Senator walks off and starts hand-shaking and baby-kissing. No, for real.