Young Americans
Winning Isn't Everything

Episode Report Card
Pamie: D | Grade It Now!
"Daddy, Daddy, If You Could Only See"

"Okay, you can open your eyes." Verve removes his hand from his face and stares. We pan up on Terri in a dress. I must say that I'm now completely used to her dressing as a boy, and I find her quite attractive in her boy clothes. I sorta think of her now as a girl that wants to be a boy, so when I see her all girled out here, it reminds me of Chloe Sevigny in If These Walls Could Talk: 2 and I really want Michelle Williams to bust in and say that it's all wrong to make her wear this dress because this isn't who she is. This is, however, the WB, and they want to remind us that it's okay if Verve and Terri kiss because they're of different sexes. I mean, it's not like they're related or anything. Wait. Whoops. Scratch that. Terri has her hair all flattened down on her head, and she looks like she's wearing one of those Lego wigs that you put on your Lego guy if they aren't wearing a Lego hat. "What?" she asks, but she does it with this strange accent that she sometimes has like she's British. Also it's important to note that the Sean Young voice wasn't Terri pretending to be a boy. That's her voice. She's got a deep voice. I would have thought that was part of the act. I'm always wrong, aren't I? Verve is pleasantly surprised to see Terri in a dress. "Wow." "Really?" Terri asks, amazed, because she, like us, assumed that Verve would only be attracted to her if she was a boy. Verve says that, last week, the only time he thought he'd see Terri in a dress was at the "Gay Pride parade." It does kind of look like Terri is now in drag. I'm that used to her being a boy. She touches her breasts a few times in the mirror and says, "Yeah, well, my mom likes me in pastels." She turns and this piano music starts up, so we have to pay attention to the following monologue. She says that she had a dress like that when she was six and she couldn't wait to show her mom what she looked like in it, but her mom went away to do Cats and by the time she came back, Terri had outgrown the dress. "Yeah, sweet story," Verve dismisses. He gives her the "come 'ere" finger and then says, "Come here," as he walks over to her and kisses her. We watch them kiss in the mirror.

Now the only person that's confused about the relationships in Young Americans is me. How come Verve isn't upset about all of this? Is he relieved Terri is a girl? Is she relieved he wasn't upset, or does she sometimes wonder if he liked her more when she was a boy and exciting and new? Does Bella even want to date Scout? If so, why? He hasn't done anything even slightly nice for her and continues to boss her around about whom she should see and where she should go and which dad she should meet. Where's Sean? Where's Paige? Where's LA Girl? Why does Will need to be with Scout if he just won back his princess? Why is it never hot in Rawley? And the most important question of all: what happened to all of the nudity? Dammit, that's why we kept watching in the first place. I haven't seen a pec in weeks and I'm getting damn tired of it, I tell you. Damn tired. I tape pictures from Playgirl and Twist up next to the Dueling Saint Clares. "This is what we want," I tell them. "Now fucking Get. To. Work." The nice thing about when the Dueling Saint Clares give me the dueling fingers is that they are so small and angry that it's just cute. It makes me giggle. The cat pukes on one of the naked pictures, so now I'm worried about what exactly we're going to see in the future.

Ye Olde Gas Pumpe. Bella and her dad are working on a '68 Chevy Truck. Bella's dads keep changing. I remember there were two in the pilot. One was Finn for a second, and then the other guy. And now there's some other guy that's not who Bella's dad was before. And Senator Calhump. She's got more dads than Staci Keanan. ["Hey, did you know that Giovanni Ribisi used to be on that show?" -- Sars] He walks over to her and says, "So. It's the big weekend. Where I get to defend my title." "What?" Bella asks all scared. He, of course, means the amount of Mercedes cars that will come into the station, not, of course, that he's her father. I'm so tired of this. He takes "twenty." Bella smiles and takes "twenty-five." On cue, the first one pulls up. Bella walks off to take it, and her dad watches her leave and smiles.

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Young Americans




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