Awful. Just awful. Is it really a surprise that I got it in my head this was an NBC show?
Okay, so White Vincent the Nazi Apocalypse Antichrist Terrorist Mercenary shows up at the Nazi Submarine where we discovered the corpse of Anthony Edward's Nazi Priest Apostle twin, during the search for his wife, a Clock Whisperer. It's kind of awkward, because he has kidnapped Goose's wife and previously blew up the FBI lady's husband. Instead of arresting him, shooting him, or asking him to explain this stupid show, they opt for uh, letting him just chill, letting him blow up the Nazi submarine, and letting him escape across the tundra.
Oh, and there is a Nazi watch, I guess now there are watches also. Twelve watches that lead to twelve constellations that point the way to racism and AIDS jokes. White Vincent thinks about dissolving Jacinda from The Real World with about a million buckets of lye he happens to have around just for dissolving ladies, but then remembers she is very good at fixing Nazi watches.
FBI lady is in trouble, since she not only did not do her job but in fact did the opposite of her job, and Goose gets very mad at her for not wandering around screaming WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS every five seconds like he is doing. Back at their dumb magazine, we learn that Charles S. Dutton survived having his throat slashed, the better to explain made-up things that make no sense whatsoever, with hilarious conviction. "Some people think AIDS is a Biblical plague! I myself do not believe this, but some people do!"
The same way that sentence tries to have it both ways -- to be both exactly as racist and hateful and dumb and awful as it is, but also tell you it's not doing those things -- the show and episode only get awfuller and more inane from there. They talk about Apocalypses for about a million years and then just abruptly decide that Apocalypses are stupid and they don't want to talk about them anymore, they would rather talk about this Nazi watch that Goose took a picture of, which is also a constellation of stars, which is also a place in India -- such is the way of things, on this show -- so he goes to India.
But not before he randomly remembers to tell his protégées about how he is a man who is also a clock who is also a corpse who is also an Apostle that is a secret. They are interested in these facts, and want to find out more about a journal that FBI Lady stole from New Bartholomew's Nazi sub, because maybe it will tell them more about what it is like to be a Nazi saint clone. Girl Skeptic goes to FBI lady's house, which is like an "artist's loft" from a '90s movie, and they talk about FBI lady's tattoos because she has a million tattoos.
Guess what, each of her tattoos is also the location of a clock that contains a diamond that has a treasure map that leads to a corpse that has a watch that has constellations on it that leads to a treasure map that leads to a diamond that is inside a clock that is also a tattoo. Just kidding. FBI lady gives her the journal of New Bartholomew, which proves that a face is not the only thing the two men share: Old New Bartholomew also wouldn't shut up about WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS.
Because yeah, when you're just making shit up anyway, you could be a secret Apostle of the Catholic Church but also be a Nazi, or married to a lady, or full of clocks, or even a Hindu lady. Yeah, sometimes a Hindu lady can also be a Christian saint at the same time. You know, like how a racecar could also be a wedding cake, or the word fllobnatz also means "a tiny bird perched on my arm, singing a gleeful tune." Fllobnatz.
Oh sorry, were you not aware that's how concepts and words work?
Hank does his best to get mugged in India, mainly by just Hankin' up a storm everywhere he goes, but FBI lady randomly shows up and saves him, so they go meet New Thomas, who is just this Hindu lady whose magic power is: Standing around. They call her Standing Woman, for cryptic reasons, and her thing is that she will never, ever sit down. After about five minutes of Hank's bullshit, she sits down. Why was she standing there?
A clock. She was standing on a clock, obviously. Gotta catch 'em all. She says some shit about how she was buds with Nazi Goose and over in his journal he says some shit about how "in that moment" they weren't Indian and white, or Hindus or Nazis: Just people who were secretly Christian saints. Just people, you know, who had that in common.
The SkeptiKids go see David Lee from The Good Wife, who -- just like in that show, I've always imagined -- has a huge collection of Nazi memorabilia. Instead of leaving his house immediately or blowing it up, they have tea with him and chat about how the Nazis weren't so bad, like how some of them were even Apostles of the Secret Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Clocks, and they see a movie of Old New Bartholomew that blows their minds because he looks just like this guy they know who already explained that to them. They also find out that Old Dirty Bastard left his Goose-wife back then because he was "a threat to God," which is a pretty bad-ass excuse for leaving your wife.
Old Dirty Bastard, according to Standing Woman -- for whom FBI lady is translating, because not only does she have a million tattoos but she also speaks every language, which is explained in the earlier scene where she foreshadows this development by telling Girl Skeptic, "Did you know I speak like every language?" -- also told her that if she ever saw his face, she should destroy the clock, because he is the harbinger of the Angel of Death.
Then a priest shoots at them and dies, both out nowhere, because sometimes that'll happen. Priests are known to go rogue. I guess this is because the Rosicrucians are not too happy about Goose being the New New Bartholomew and finding all these clocks? So now both sides of the eternal Nazi/Jesus war are coming after him? I don't know. There is simply no way to know.
Hank sees Vincent drive off with his DRAGONS and he and the DRAGONS have a little screaming conversation about things like, "How are you," and "Is the Nazi Antichrist treating you well" and she's all, "He made me fix a watch, which is lucky because that is my main thing! See you later!" and he's like, WAAAAALT.
So apparently yes, Goose is bringing about the Apocalypse by stopping the Apocalypse, so he needs to stop stopping the Apocalypse, which can't be stopped because it is has already started. This bitch really should have sat down sooner, because her blood sugar is clearly not where it should be. He tells her to go stuff herself because WALT and she says, "Okay then, thanks for the Apocalypse," and then they notice that the rivers are running red with blood and fish guts, and then he tells the FBI lady that the Apocalypse is coming and she's like, "I know, I was standing right there for that whole boring conversation, and I even translated it" and he's like, "You keep me honest."
So next week, this motherfucking show better be canceled because it is the worst thing I have ever seen. It is worse than Bunheads, and that is not a comparison I would throw around lightly. But if it doesn't, thrill to this scintillating and not-at-all retarded synopsis that was written by an actual person and not, like, Horse_ebooks: "In another face-to-face showdown with White Vincent, Hank begins to realize there is more to this connection than meets the eye -- or in this case White Vincent's eyes."
Hank's wife was kidnapped after she bought a random clock at the flea market, which was quite the coincidence considering that this particular random clock -- which was not kidnapped along with her, despite being the reason she was kidnapped -- contained a magic diamond that led him to his own dead body in a Nazi sub in Canada. Turns out the Rosicrucians nominated a new set of Apostles in the 1930s, including a Nazi commandant who was also, somehow, Hank -- the better to either start or stop the Nazi Apocalypse through the creation and hiding of clocks, which lead to these New Apostles, who in turn have more clocks (and as we'll see, sundry other timepieces) that lead to yet more clocks and eventually a Thing that is a secret but it seems will "render God irrelevant." At Zero Hour, the Apocalypse will either start or stop -- or possibly it is already happening, clocks or no clocks -- but none of this is very important to Hank, who just wants to get his wife back.
ONE IS THE NAZIEST NUMBER
When we last left Hank and Beck, they were chilling out at the Nazi sub, wondering just what the heck was going on. Beck snags a diary from the Nazi Hank -- but not the watch he's carrying -- as an obfuscatory Rosicrucian voices incomprehensibly over: "One is the number of Man. One is the number of You. But sometimes One is not One, sometimes One is Two."
Hank: "White Vincent! How weird to run into you here, at my dead Nazi body. I'm sure you have business inside that submarine, but first can you tell me if you've killed my wife yet? Apparently, I just have to believe."
White Vincent, verbatim: "So how does it feel to look upon yourself, Hank? It's like the insides of your head sort of break apart, don't they? Understand this, when I execute you, it will be out of mercy."
Beck: "That is very interesting, but I am actually going to be the killer right now. Of you."
Hank: "Beck, stop doing your job! Don't you understand that my problems are much more important than you killing the guy who killed your husband and is starting the Apocalypse, and also is a terrorist and also a highly paid mercenary?"
Beck: "I don't see how that's possible."
Hank: "Just trust me."
White Vincent: "I trust you. We have a common interest."
Beck: "Uh, no. I'm pretty sure I'm just gonna kill this dude."
But then she doesn't. The whole made-up conflict just goes away, leaving the overheated score to calm itself down. White Vincent grabs a watch from the dead Nazi that Hank had the foresight to photograph in detail and then blows up his own vehicle so that they are both stunned. Making little snow angels on the tundra while White Vincent gets the heck on out of there.