Well. As long as you fucking say it, then I guess you are cootie-protected from all criticism.

BAVARIA

Norbert Peter Steinke IV: "New Bartholomew is, and was, and kind of both, a man."
Skeptics: "Wait, the map leads to a man?"
Norbert Peter Steinke IV: "Is that not what I just said? In fact, is that not the only thing I have really said so far?"
Skeptics: "Okay, then who is he. And why he is a location who is a person? Make sure your answer is good and crazy."

"Twelve numbers on the clock. Twelve men to save the world. Twelve Apostles. The men Christ entrusted with the salvation of mankind."

A person who literally works at a magazine that is literally about skepticism then says: "Yeah, but that was two thousand years ago!"

Norbert Peter Steinke IV: "No it wasn't, retard. Pretending that the Bible is literally true demeans us all, atheists and people of faith alike. Just because it never happened doesn't mean it isn't real. But in any case, I'm talking about some other twelve apostles. Secret ones. You are not cool enough to know about them. Maybe the Shriners are, but not you."
Skeptics: "This is exactly the kind of shit we like, which is the opposite of who we are."

"In 1938, Europe was in flames. The very future of the world was in doubt. So the Church... did something that has never been done, in two thousand years! We appointed twelve New Apostles! New Luke, New Peter, New Bartholomew. And they were given a secret, one that not even the Pope knew. A secret that could bring about the end of the world."

Skeptics: "That is crazy as shit. Do go on."
Norbert Peter Steinke IV: "Then they all died. The end."
Skeptics: "Wait, what? You are old and weird!"
Norbert Peter Steinke IV: "Or something. We don't know. They scattered all over the globe, so the Nazis wouldn't find them. And then we made these clocks."
Skeptics: "Did this really happen? Are you Catfishing us right now?"
Norbert Peter Steinke IV: "I was in charge of New Bartholomew's clock. The skinny on him is, quote, he was a holy man, he was a noble man, he was a Nazi officer."