*(Ugh, I just spewed New Barfolomew all over the tundra. Really? Will it really? Will it just "pit" them against each other? That sounds rough. But you know, if I don't have to look at Matthew Fox's stupid trashy woman-beating pointless shitty sinew of a face it'll be half as dumb, I guess. Half as dumb as Lost being, you know, still way too dumb to feel proud about, but at least this show has a shitload of magical clocks, which Lost had a lot of but not nearly this many from what I remember.)

Tsunami Tallullah? Tropical Storm Keanu? Hurricane Lady Miss Keir?

"NO! ZERO HOUR, DUH!"

And I'm gonna be high as a kite by then. God willing. Or I guess Russell Tovey's Ass willing.

NEXT WEEK

Goose deals with being a clone of a replacement of an Apostle. Beck watches him barf and wonders where she fucked up exactly in her life. Skeptic #1 believes some more things without a lick of proof, while Skeptic #2 does that but also pines for her and make a mixtape and pathetic but unrelenting sexual advances. Jacinda is secretly a ninja who can take care of herself, just kidding she fixes a clock. White Vincent and an assortment of random old dudes are like, "Have I told you a super weird story lately without a point or even an ending? This is 'the part' where I do that. Just like in your American movies."

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, Deception, Zero Hour, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and a novelette, "The Commonplace Book," appeared this fall on Tor.com.