Beck: "Sometimes we have to look beyond the evidence, and make up wild scenarios. Or I'm sorry, do you not run an improbably successful print magazine with exactly that premise?"
Goose, verbatim: "My wife is not a terrorist! She owns a clock shoppe!"
Beck: "Then why did she get kidnapped by the highest-end mercenary in the world?"
Goose: "This is the part where I talk about the trope of you acting like you 'get' me."
THE GOOSE BUREAU OF MAGICAL CLOCK INVESTIGATION
Skeptics: "Goose, why are you running around looking at clocks?"
Goose: "I'm looking for one magic clock! I know how to do clocks, because my wife was a clock shoppe owner. Rather than a terrorist."
Skeptics: "Quick, say all the clock words you know. They can be titles for hypothetically future episodes of this show that is going to be cancelled immediately for being retarded."
Goose: "Okay and after I do that... Oh look, a magic diamond inside this clock. Sometimes that happens."
Skeptics: "We're skeptical about that, but tell us more."
Goose: "And also, if you hold it up to this light projector, it makes maps."
Skeptic: "Like treasure maps?"
Goose: "No, you fucking idiot. Treasure maps make me so skeptical!"
Skeptic: "This is the part where I shout out The Goonies. Shout out to The Goonies! That was the part where I shouted out The Goonies. A movie that was made before I was born and has no relevance here."
Goose: "Cool let's talk about that for a really long time. I've heard that is a thing that people do. I heard this from a Quentin Tarantino movie."
Skeptics: "Also not, in all honestly, that relevant. You are really fucking old, huh?"
Goose: "You know who we need to talk to?"
Skeptics: "Probably the Priest. That character that didn't exist at all until just now."
Goose: "Yeah, I have a network of contacts among all the stupid shitty things we don't believe in and think are stupid, as our job. They love it when I come around and shit on all the things they care about."
FATHER CHARLES S. DUTTON, IN FACT
Fr. Roc: "Whoa, for a skeptical person you sure do have a magical diamond."
Goose: "I don't believe any of this! But tell me more."
Fr. Roc: "You know how certain priests speak certain dead versions of certain dead languages? And write on diamonds in those languages? And stow them in magic clocks? That's what you've got going on here."