Previously on ANTM: We had fourteen finalists who battled it out in a fierce fight throughout the entire flipping competition! Some, like Lauren Brie, were instantly awesome and nonsensically eliminated. Some, like Nikeysha, were mere blips of suckage on the reality TV landscape and were booted before we could get too riled up about them either way. Three girls have survived it all! They are:

McKey, the strong yet feminine beauty from Lake Forest, Illinois who's shown consistent growth and improvement in her photos from week to week but faltered in her first attempt at a Cover Girl commercial and has a second personality who speaks in a vaguely European accent. The third personality enjoys wearing chain mail.

Analeigh, the pretty and peace-loving (as evidenced by that monstrosity that continuously hangs off of her neck, and no, I'm not talking about Marjorie) girl from Sacramento, California who has taken some impressive photos but struggled to work her figure skating background into her posing. She eventually figured out her body, but can she conquer her face? Am I imagining it, or is that kind of a harsh question?

Samantha, the athletic and adorable girl from Woodland Hills, California who barely escaped elimination after offending designer Jeremy Scott and his mullet. Sam managed to turn it around with a stellar photo, but the judges think she's very commercial and know for a fact that she doesn't know how to dress.

Three bitches, one top prize, 66% of dreams shattered. And that's just how Tyra likes it.

It is night in Amsterdam. And there is Tyra Mail! You see folks, there's a lot of ground to cover in the final episode and we don't have time to reflect on how anyone is or is not sad that Marjorie is gone. Analeigh certainly seems plenty peppy as she reads the mail: "Makkelyk, Fris, Mooi! Love, Tyra." I'm sure this actually translates into "Tyra Uber Alles," though the girls seem convinced that it means "Easy, Breezy, Beautiful!" Yes, folks, it's Cover Girl time. It's always Cover Girl time. Get ready for a zit or two to pop out just from the power of the TV waves. Right next to the Tyra Mail are the girls' lines for the commercial, the first of which is in Dutch. Analeigh notes that they're not going to be sleeping much. Because they're going to be shaving each others' va-jay-jays all night again? These bitches need to look into waxing for special occasions like this.

The next morning the girls head to their location where they meet Mr. Jay. He is wearing a shirt that makes you think you cracked your back and are having an acid flashback. This is perhaps why the girls are facing the opposite way and he has to yell, "Behind you!" For the first time in his life, I'm sure. He's psyched, because today they're going to be filming commercials in a little boat that's docked behind him, and shooting a print ad in a nearby building. Both, of course, are for Cover Girl. The winner's photo will be a national ad and a billboard in Times Square, and the winner will also be in Wal-Mart stores across America. Let's hope said winner has some previous experience checking and bagging that she'll be able to put to use. In Analeigh's case maybe they'll just let her be a greeter.

Jay asks if the girls can imagine having that kind of exposure before noting that he knows someone who can. And that person is of course Cycle 10 winner Whitney. Boy am I glad that her plus-sized, New York City-emptying reign of terror is coming to an end. Whitney explains that she's there to introduce new Cover Girl WetSlicks AmazeMint lip gloss. Didn't she already do that a few episodes ago? Anyway, new Cover Girl WetSlicks AmazeMint lip gloss contains Crest peppermint oil which gives you a boost of fresh breath while brightening your smile. Well I guess I can throw away that pesky old toothbrush now! New Cover Girl WetSlicks AmazeMint lip gloss is going to come particularly in handy today, as the girls will have to deliver a scene-stealing kiss at the end of their commercials. They are getting action all over Amsterdam! Jay hopes that each girl has her lines memorized, because they are all going to have to deliver the essence of Cover Girl. Goopy!

The girls get made up backstage and Analeigh notes how good new Cover Girl AmazeMint lip gloss smells. Whitney says that it's not sticky at all, unlike SOME other gross lip glosses. I believe that not one bit, but if Cover Girl would like to send me a case to test I'd be happy to put a neutral lip to the challenge. Analeigh tries to practice her lines on Sutan without much success. She says that she hardy got any sleep last night, because she was having nightmares of Marjorie stealing her lip gloss and painting "Property of Analeigh" all over her naked body, and that though she thought she had all of her lines down they went "poof," like so many ANTM stylists, as soon as she got to hair and makeup. That is a familiar, third-place kind of story.

The girls all head off on the boat, and tell us what the story of the commercial is, montage-style. Apparently, it's about three girls who are having fun on a vacation and then spot a cute boy. They don't want to talk to him, so instead decide to go up to him and kiss him. Clearly. And then they have a ménage a quatre on the high seas, and the whole time the lip gloss never budges. No rainbow parties for these girls! That's a quality product!

Sam films her commercial first under the watchful eye of Jay and Cover Girl representative Elyssa Traub. She flounders a bit at first, and Jay tells her not to lose eye contact with the camera, and also to always deliver her lines with confidence and a smile. Jay tells us that Sam is usually the girl who brings a ton of energy to the set, but today it was very apparent that she was holding back. Not good. Sam then has to kiss the random boy, and she says she hopes that he doesn't have herpes. I'm sure new CoverGirl WetSlicks AmazeMint lip gloss has STD-killing properties as well. Like Lysol for your lips! Seriously, did you ever read the back of a can of Lysol? It is at once impressive and terrifying, much like Tyra herself. Sam kisses the boy, and he says, "Amazing." "AmazeMint," she corrects him. And with that, Sam is free to disinfect herself.

McKey is up next. We are reminded that the judges had nothing good to say about her last commercial, and she says that when she got to set she was freaking out like a jitterbug. Let's hope she can put the boom-boom into our hearts. Though she has some trouble with the lines at first, she tells us that after the third take she started getting it a bit more. Jay tells us that McKey got better and sounded good, which is what he was looking for. However, he didn't love how she looked like she was having a mild seizure the whole time. Picky!

Finally we have Analeigh, who has been decked out in big, Dallas-style 80's hair. Jay says, "Take one," and Analeigh quite unfortunately goes completely blank and starts crying. Maybe she got a good look at her bedazzled jean jacket? She tells us that she could see her dreams going down the drain. At least they smell minty fresh. With a feeling of certain doom for our little skater, we head to commercials.

When we return, four takes have not improved Analeigh's performance any. At one point she even calls the product "WetSlacks," which is certainly a Freudian slip since she is obviously pissing herself. Jay just rolls his eyes. Supportive! He tells us that Analeigh was the huge surprise today. She struggled for her lines, was very wooden, and lost her whole bubbly-girl-next-door thing. Jay then feeds her each line, and of course she does better. He says that Analeigh takes direction well, but just doesn't find it for herself. Analeigh has some awkward moments kissing the male model, and Jay takes pity on her and calls it a wrap.

Back on shore the girls get made up once again in preparation for their photo shoot. It is no surprise to anyone that Jim DeYonker, whose official title, I think, is "Tyra's Bitch," is the photographer for the day. Jay tells the girls that he hopes everything goes smoothly. He has only hope to rely on, since he won't be there for the shoot. He's leaving the girls alone with Jim. I bet he has to go blow out Tyra's wigs for the mid-episode judging, then file down her calluses. Don't think that his job contract isn't without fine print, okay? Sam is first up to be photographed, and Jim gives her some direction. He tells us that Sam had great energy and is a sweet girl, but definitely struggled a bit. She needs to be more clever and imaginative in how she presents herself to the camera. Analeigh is next, and Jim tells her that she looks like she's ready to kick someone's ass and needs to appear a bit more friendly. Jim says that Analeigh can certainly work her body, and that's her strongest asset. She's great, he says, but there's more to modeling than just coming up with great poses. There is also smiling with your eyes! And tooching your booty! See, I've learned things over the cycles. Finally there's McKey. Jim says that she's cukoo in the head, but he loves that. You need kookiness to get different shots and variety, and McKey is definitely unique. It's good to finally hear confirmation that she's whacked in the brain, isn't it? And that's a wrap!

Back at home there is Tyra Mail. Tomorrow the girls will meet with the judges, and only two will continue on in hopes of becoming America's Next Top Model. The girls all look a bit sad and serious. Sam does not want one of the other girls to take away her dream, especially since she's been putting so much time and effort into it. Analeigh says that she has a chance to make it into the top two and to win the competition. She doesn't look at either Sam or McKey and think that one of them has it in the bag. Analeigh emotes, with many pauses for emphasis (or maybe Jay is feeding her lines again?), that when you want something...this badly...it's...so...painful...to know that it could just be over...so fast. Not for me. I have to say I always appreciate that Top Model limits this whole finale thing to one hour and really keeps it all moving. How else would we all have time to watch Stylista?

The girls enter the judging room and...holy shit, what is Tyra WEARING? It's like a kimono/apron combo, and her shoulder pads have apparently blocked her view to such an extent that she doesn't realize she forgot to put on pants. Trust me when I tell you that it's an alarming visage. Tyra gleefully notes that only two girls will move on to be in the final fashion show and shoot a Seventeen cover. Tyra introduces guest judge Addy van den Krommenacker. He is a preeminent designer in Holland and the final two will be walking in his fashion show. Van den Fiercenacker!

Tyra shows the girls their composite commercial. It is easy, breezy, and beautiful enough, and it's McKey's kiss that makes the final cut. We then move on to individual evaluations, starting with Samantha. Her best take has her alternately looking confused, stressed, and psychotic. Nigel tells her that she seemed distracted by herself, and that her take was choppy. Miss J. asks if she spoke Dutch at the beginning. Sam says yes, and Miss J. makes fun of her accent. As someone who characteristically sounds like he's a native of Uranus, he has no room to talk. Tyra comes to Sam's defense, saying that she thought Sam's Dutch accent was good. Addy V.D.K. agrees that the accent was good, but says that Sam wasn't very convincing. She seemed insecure, but looked great. Paulina thinks that Sam's photo is adorable, pretty and charming. However, Miss J. thinks that Sam's smile looks a bit forced. Tyra notes that Sam does not have a modelesque smile, and so needs to get in the mirror and figure it out. Sam gives a forced, unmodelesque smile before returning to her place in line.

Analeigh is up next. The judges watch her best commercial take, and Tyra sings with extra vibrato that the whole thing was "paaaaaiiiiinfuuuuuuullll." Paulina asks what happened and notes that even though she thinks Analeigh is a great little actress, this sucked. Analeigh looks totally devastated. Paulina adds that Analeigh looked gorgeous, but it's cold comfort. Tyra notes that Analeigh had a teleprompter in her first commercial. She knows how to read and be natural, but failed at memorizing and being natural. The judges then look at Analeigh's Cover Girl photo. Paulina thinks it looks like a head shot for an actress. Good call there. Tyra notes that Analeigh did the same thing over and over in her film, and adds that the models do not have to smile in every single frame. Analeigh says that she kept getting feedback that she was too sexy when she closed her lips. I can't imagine Analeigh being too sexy for anything except maybe a guest appearance with the Doodlebops, but let's go with it. Tyra then demonstrates the difference between having closed lips and being sexy, and having closed lips and being not sexy. It's a lot like the difference between smiling with your eyes and not, which is to say that she just looks nuts the whole time. And on that note, how could no one have pointed out that Analeigh looks like she has a floating eye in her picture?

Finally there's McKey. I think her best commercial take is a little stiff, but Tyra exclaims, "Look at you, Miss Lady!" She says that McKey was much better in this commercial than in the one with the teleprompter, and actually showed some personality. Addy says that McKey went a little too fast, but she looked great and he believed in her. Her photo is pretty great. She has a closed-lip smile, which becomes the bane of Analeigh's existence. Paulina says it's a great example of how you don't have to show teeth to look happy, shiny, and accessible. Nigel thinks it's the first shot where any of the girls looks like a model. Addy likes that she looks a little naughty. Tyra says that McKey is naughty-sweet in this photo, but sometimes she looks naughty-crazy. She needs to watch her eyes, and her use of chain mail.

The judges deliberate. Samantha has a great personality and a great smile, and photographs beautifully, according to Paulina, and she's curious to see how Sam will do when she walks. Nigel points out that they keep saying that Sam is a great commercial model, however from her Cover Girl photo it appears that she's in fact NOT a great commercial model. I think she'd maybe be good for the Sears catalogue, or something involving auto parts. Tyra says that Sam looks like a catalogue model, but is in fact more of an edgy, fashion, editorial girl. Paulina thinks that Analeigh is a lovely girl with lovely legs that can bend and stretch into all sorts of lovely positions. But does she have the face, Paulina asks? In case you were wondering, this is not a rhetorical question and Paulina answers herself with a curt, "No." Miss J. says that Paulina might be right about Analeigh not having the face, but she does have the walk. Nigel, however, thinks that Analeigh does have the face and can model, but her poor performance in the Cover Girl commercial took the wind out of her Dutch weed-boat sails. McKey's photo is great, her commercial performance was good, and throughout the whole competition she has shown that she can listen. The one thing that scares Tyra about McKey is the possibility of her walking on a runway. Paulina agrees that McKey does have the Lurch thing going on, which prompts Miss J. to bust into a, "You raaaaang?" And with that, the judges have reached a decision.

The girls return, and Tyra looks like she's about to beam everyone back to the home planet. Seriously, what is she wearing? Analeigh looks super sad, Sam looks tense, and McKey looks entirely clueless. And we all know that cluelessness makes for good models. This is why McKey is called first. She seems mildly excited and/or majorly medicated. This leaves Analeigh and Sam in the bottom two. A lot of the judges, including Tyra, think that Analeigh has some of the strongest poses, but her weakness is her soft, sweet, cookie-dough like commercial face. Cookie dough and fashion don't mix, as any skinny bitch will tell you. The judges think it's a shame, because her body is so fantastic. Yeah, Analeigh should maybe put a bag over her head and then try signing with an agency. And then there's Samantha. She looks very commercial when she stands in front of the judges. Then they saw her picture this week, which is very confusing. If she looks commercial in front of them, she should be able to sell commercial in a cosmetics ad. That makes the judges doubt her, because clearly they have NO IDEA who she is. Truly, it is a mystery for the ages. But in the end, Samantha gets to stay. I have to say I was pretty surprised about that. I thought Analeigh might take it all despite her squishy nose. Tyra tells Sam that she has to master how she looks in person to book go-sees, and master her smile, to make money.

Tyra gives Analeigh a quick hug and asks if she's proud of herself. Analeigh is. Tyra thinks Analeigh should be proud of herself, except for the part where she sucked during her commercial. Thanks, Mama Ty. Tyra tells Analeigh that Paulina thinks she's a star actress who can get a lot of modeling campaigns, and the panel thinks that's the direction she should go. Tyra totally just told Analeigh not to be a model! Harsh. Analeigh tells us that she's very upset, but is coming out of this experience a lot stronger and wiser. She has no regrets, as regrets are mistakes you don't learn from. Dance like no one's watching, Analeigh! She says she did her best and gave her heart, and that's all she can give. Too bad she chose "heart" over "good face." Analeigh fades from the group photo and we have our final two!

Sam and McKey head to their Seventeen photo shoot, where they find Ann Shoket who has come straight from a shopping spree at whatever the Dutch equivalent of Forever 21 is. Seriously, I will take Tyra's pantsless spacesuit any day over this ruffled monstrosity. Ann Shoket needs to realize that she is 40-odd damn years old (or that her penchant for underage tops makes her look 40-odd years old). Stop the insanity! Ann points out that the winner of the competition is going to be on the cover of Seventeen. This is exciting, but all I can notice is the fact that McKey is holding a stuffed koala bear wearing a t-shirt. The hell? Ann says that they'll be shooting the cover shot today, and McKey pumps her fist. All the marsupials in the house put your hands up! The girls get made up and outfitted in hideous apparel. Sam tells us that this whole thing is "so her" because she turned seventeen just three months ago. And doesn't know how to dress. McKey tells us that this has been such a great day, and the wonder of it all has just sunk in. Ann tells us that both of the girls have astounded her today, and she thinks it's going to be a tough elimination. Can't we just keep both of the girls as co-winners and vote to eliminate Ann?

The whirlwind(mill) continues as the girls head to a large building that is the site of their runway show. They enter to find some whack pink runway that Mr. Jay thought up while playing Candyland in a meth haze. Jay greets them standing atop the runway's major hill. Yes, he has climbed to the top of fashion mountain! Sam thinks that Jay has outdone himself with his whimsical magical mystery catwalk. He tells us them that he calls this his Willy Wonka / Dr. Seussian runway. Because when an Oompa Loompa makes good, he always wants to pay tribute to the master. Doopity do. He tells the girls not to worry so much about the hills, but rather about the fact that this is a looooong walk. Whitney would have had to stop for a donut midway through, is how long it is. Jay gives them some pointers for scaling fashion mountain, then sends them into hair and makeup.

Backstage, Sam is pensive. She tells us that normally she's bouncing off of the walls, but this time she's trying to focus and think about how the heck she's going to walk. Whitney enters, too, since this will be the scene of her final hurrah. There are a bunch of other gorgeous-looking Dutch models being readied as well. McKey tells us that she's anxious and excited and can't wait for the runway show to be over, because once it's through it means she's done everything she can do in the competition and it's either going to be enough or it's not. An impressive sized audience gets seated, and then Tyra greets the girls backstage. She tells them that it's okay to say, "I'm nervous," because that relaxes you. Especially when you say it after you've popped a Xanax. She tells them to go out there and make their black mama proud. That would be her. If having a black mama is an option, I totally call Tina Turner. Tyra gives the girls a big fake laugh and a hug, and the funny part is that you can tell neither of them wants to touch her and that just being around her makes them uncomfortable. Sam tells us that the best runway show ever is about to go down, and it's going to be insane. Something tells me that Sam has never heard of a little thing called ghost brides. As we ponder the magic that "Ghost Brides in Candyland" might bring in Cycle 12, we head to commercials.

When we return it's moments before the girls will head out on the runway. McKey says really excited, but also scared that something's going to go wrong. She hopes that she can pull it all together at the last second, like so many outfits made of flouncy skirts and chain mail. Sam is so nervous that she has to fan herself. Tyra, Nigel and Paulina enter and take their seats. And then freaking Miss J. struts down the runway slowly, wearing highwater pants and holding some sort of leash that's attached to a guy all in black who's holding a giant pink balloon. A guy with a giant pink balloon is the new bejeweled cockroach. The guy then pops the balloon with his teeth. Magical!

And then it's time for the show to really begin. Whitney goes out first and the camera mercifully cuts away when it's time for her to run up fashion mountain. She does look gorgeous, though, and by the time she makes it to the end of the long-ass runway she is no longer plus-sized. Then McKey walks out. She manages to look somewhat graceful running up fashion mountain, but generally is impeded by her tendency to a) lurch; b) look down while she's walking. However, she tells us that she was basking in the glory of it all. Ananda, who is the winner of Holland's Next Top Model cycle four, also walks. Sam finally walks. She explains to us that if you don't run and get some speed going up fashion mountain, you'll fall backwards. Sam also, as you might recall, is not the world's best walker. She may not have the world's best runway body, either. Sorry, healthy lady. The girls change into floor-length gowns for their second outfits, then pose together at the top of fashion mountain. Sam points out that the runway is so long that you're bound to at least have a couple of decent moments in all the time you spend walking. Lucky for them. McKey interviews that she knows she's not the strongest walker in the bunch, but she gave her all. She and Sam lurch in the finale, and Addy V.D.K. makes an appearance on the runway, too. Tyra greets the girls backstage and lies that they did a great job. Jay tells Tyra that she can walk on the runway if she wants. She doesn't, opting instead to feast on a bucket of ribs before judging.

And speaking of judging, the time has come! And you guys, holy shit. Tyra looks like one crack fiend shoulder pad-loving kind of evil alien. She's no longer going to beam the final two up to the mothership, but rather decimate everyone in the room with her smiling eyes alone. Live in fear. Sam and McKey enter in their fancy dresses. Tyra tells them that they started off in this competition as little girls, and now they're lovely young sophisticated women. If Marjorie were in the final two, Tyra would be forced to say, "Now one of you is a lovely, sophisticated woman, and the other of you is still a quivering mess of French vanilla pudding." There are judges. There are prizes - a contract with Elite Model Management, a spread and a cover in Seventeen, and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl.

And now it is time to review the girls' Top Model lives. First we look at McKey's runway performance. Miss J. says that he liked her first walk, and loved her second. Tyra liked McKey's facial expressions when she stopped in front of the judges. She didn't just serve dress, she served face. Much like how she'll be serving a delicious Moons Over My Hammy breakfast platter when this whole modeling charade is over. Nigel thinks that McKey could be a little more graceful if she learned how to walk in heels. Yeah, that's an idea. Paulina thinks that McKey's long-legged gait is beautiful. The judges then pick apart Samantha's walk. Nigel thought she looked fantastic when she came out. Miss J. says that she did exquisitely when she had a dress with a chiffon skirty overlay thingamajig. Tyra notes that she saw some worry in Sam's mouth. When Sam's worried, her pout shows it double. But a few times Tyra saw a butterfly. And then chased it to a magical land where pudding flows like a river and thus missed the end of the show.

The judges then look at the girls' photos through the ages. And by "ages" I mean past 12 weeks. In the "Voting Is Sexy" shoot of the first week, both girls relied on Modeling 101, according to Nigel. Neither was brilliant, but both showed potential. Tyra agrees, saying that Samantha broke her body in such a way that she might have actually been Modeling 201, and McKey came alive when she started to box. Then there was a swimsuit photo shoot, and both girls did marvelously. Nigel tells Sam that she looks exquisite in her photo, which is charming, sexy and feminine. Tyra tells Sam that this was the week that she became a high-fashion model and also, not coincidentally, the week that her hair was chopped off. Tyra, who must be ovulating or something, says that as soon as the hair came off Sam was like, "Waaah! Mommy, I am a model!" Tyra loves McKey's strength in her photo, and says that she has muscles, but not big ole' muscles that get in the way.

Then the girls went to Amsterdam and did a shoot on a clipper ship. This was the one where they were decked out in crazy goth pirate clothes. Both were good, but Nigel says that McKey's shot was her best to date. This was the photo in which her legs looked like they were each as long as a football field. Nigel saw the photograph and thought that she was a real model. Sam's face showed passion in her photo, which Nigel appreciated, even though her body looked like a big solid mass. Then the girls did the two-part natural/glam photo with Tyra behind the camera. Both natural shots were great, but Sam's is still Nigel's favorite. She quickly adds that it's her favorite too, even though nobody cares. Everyone on panel thinks that Sam did everything right. McKey's glam photo is perfect for high fashion, and Nigel says it's his favorite of the two. Tyra loves how inventive and communicative McKey was during the shoot. The panel also loves Sam's glam shot, and Paulina says that Sam uses all of her limbs for maximum effect.

And with that, it's time for the judges to deliberate. Nigel says that both girls are sweet, but this is not a personality contest alone. He notes that Sam looks very commercial in person, but didn't deliver a commercial photo on cue. She has shown her mettle on the high-fashion photos, however. Paulina says that Sam presents as a very healthy California girl and photographs like a high fashion model, which is unusual. What you see is not what you get. On McKey's personality, Nigel says that early on in the competition, he didn't see her as a star. Today, he saw a star. There was a powerful glint in her eye on the runway. Was she the most elegant? No, and in fact both girls could stand to practice their walks. Paulina interjects that Sam needs to practice a bit more than McKey does. Miss J. thinks that this is because McKey's height can carry her through. And plus she'll just kick the ass of anyone who says mean stuff about her. Miss J. loves McKey's high-fashion body. Nigel adds that McKey was also able to deliver a good Cover Girl shot. Both girls are tall, linebacker-ish, and sweet, according to Nigel. But only one can be America's Next Top Model, and the judges have made their decision.

The girls return, and Tyra taunts them a bit about how nervous they must be before revealing that America's Next Top Model is...McKey! I think it's because she picked the best pseudonym (after Wholahay, of course). McKey hugs Sam, then goes to hug Tyra. And Tyra is in for a surprise as McKey lifts her off the ground! She really IS strong! Tyra says that that's a first and has to collect herself. She does not like it one bit, as evidenced by her telling McKey to go over and celebrate with the other judges. Tyra asks Sam if she's proud of herself, but all of Sam's pride-thunder is stolen when you can see McKey picking up Nigel in the background! Awesome. Sam exit interviews that this competition has brought out a different side of her. She never saw herself as a pretty girl, which is totally why she decided to enter a modeling competition. Now she does see herself as a pretty girl. Ah, victory. McKey continues to pick up the judges one by one, and in an interesting turn of events, Miss J. seems to be the only one who's able to pick HER up. He wears so much eyeliner and sparkly do-rags that you forget what a big guy he actually is.

In any case, McKey is excited. Tyra goes and jumps at her, apparently wanting to be airborne again, but McKey does not take the bait. I'm sure later in the evening after a few white Russians they'll be playing airplane, though. McKey tells us that she was never the little girl who wanted to grow up and be a model. She was a hard-core tomboy who was into soccer, and started modeling when she was 15. Oh wow! Who knew she even modeled at all? They really made it seem like she dropped off of the UFC turnip truck. McKey put all of her competitive spirit into modeling, and wanted it so bad, but it never happened. ANTM was the last stop for her, and luckily it worked out. And I bet she is going to have some whack-ass My Life as a Cover Girl spots. But wait! It's not over! McKey shoots her post-victory photos ASAP, with Nigel as the photographer. She looks kind of crazy and overstimulated, so I hope that worked out okay. Tyra totally makes McKey pick her up again for the benefit of the cameras, then runs out of the room all mock-scared. Tyra gives McKey a few voiced over words of love as we see her final photos, and then reminds us that fame is fleeting and that casting for the next cycle has begun. At least McKey can remain relatively confident that she'll come out on top in the upcoming Battle of the Model Cage Fighters special. Unless Brandy shows up.

And with that, another season has come to a close. Thank you all for reading and I'll see you in the spring! Until then, don't forget your face. Love, Potes.

Potes isn't a recapper - she's a minty fresh smile booster! She can be reached at potesypotes@gmail.com.

Now that this cycle is O-V-E-R, let's reminisce about the kookiest moments with our America's Next Top Model: Wackiest Cycle Ever! gallery.

Previously on ANTM: Amsterdam! The girls avoided the weed, but embraced the Red Light District where Sheena got to legitimately whore it up. A photo shoot on the high seas had some girls rocking, and the others feeling all washed up. Despite her general hilarity, Sheena ran out of chances to show her high fashion potential and was sent home. In other news, McKey entered panel looking like she got lost on the way to the Renaissance Faire. Five bitches remain!

It is a gray Amsterdam afternoon as the girls ride home in their van after panel. They celebrate their ascension to the top five. Analeigh tells us that she knows she's improving. However, she confessionalizes, she knows that the other girls don't see her as competition and think that she's just a pretty girl. She points out that at the end of the day it doesn't matter a hoot what those petty bitches think. It only matters what the petty bitches on the panel think. And at least one of them has to think that Analeigh has kind of a large nose, right?

In the van, Elina says in disbelief, "Apparently I was STIFF." Yeah, apparently. She wonders where they're getting this "stiff" thing from. Maybe from the fact that she resembles nothing so much than a little goblin carved on the end of an old-fashioned umbrella handle? Even allied nation Marjorie is getting a little tired of Elina. She says that Elina has been in the bottom two because she's not trying, and the judges want to see her push and do something different. Marjorie adds that she thinks Elina gives the same face week after week. Well then! What else does Marjorie think, you ask? She thinks that Elina thinks that she's got everything right, and that can be a little tiring. My how quickly Marjorie has turned on her fellow European friend. Maybe Elina put the moves on Marjorie's boyfriend Analeigh during the va-jay-jay shaving party?

Sam, meanwhile, feels amazing about being in the top five. She wants everyone to celebrate good times, come on. However, celebration doesn't come naturally to Marjorie, who is nervous per usual. The competition is getting to her, and she thinks that she's mediocre compared to the rest of the girls. Even compared to Sam? Come on, now, Frenchie. Marjorie doesn't understand how the rest of the girls can feel so comfortable after panel when there is clearly impending doom. Sam just shrugs her shoulder and drinks some more American Self-Confidence Juice.

Tyra Mail! "You have to be more than good looking if you want that first booking. Love, Tyra." Everyone assumes that this means they'll be heading out on go-sees, a.k.a. running around like crazy people. Marjorie gives a sideways look of extra dread. The girls head to Touche modeling agency, where they meet managing director Frederick Koster and his colleague Pearl MacNack. People in Amsterdam have the best names! Frederick and Pearl tell the girls that there are five top designers (well, top designers in Amsterdam) that they'll be seeing today. The designers will evaluate the girls on their portfolios, runway walks, general appearance, and personality. The most impressive model will win the challenge. Frederick tells the girls that since Amsterdam is a water city, they'll be heading to the castings on boats. Any chance that Amsterdam's canals are filled with sharks or other human flesh-eating fishes? Hey, a girl can dream. Frederick notes that there are maps in the boats, and that they have until 5:00 p.m. to do their castings. And you know the drill, just like all the girls know the drill - if you're late, you're disqualified. This is always a good opportunity to see who is the dumbest bitch of all!

As the girls set off, Marjorie reminds us that they don't have to see all five designers, but should try to see as many as they can within the allotted time frame. The girls hop into their respective boats, which are driven by total hotties. Analeigh tells us with frustration that the boats go really slowly. I think that gives you extra time to mack on your boat driver and should be considered a boon. However, all the girls can think of are getting to their precious go-sees. Marjorie tells us that she's nervous because she has no sense of direction and gets frazzled really easily. Yeah, that's a pretty bad combo when you're darting around a strange city and trying to impress strangers who can make or break you.

Sam finds her first designer, Marlies Dekkers, who apparently specializes in ladies' underthings. Sam kisses Marlies three times, because that's what you do in Amsterdam. Sam also gets the biggest cheese on her face because she's trying to make a good first impression. It works, as Marlies tells us that Sam was very nice and made a good connection. Sadly for Sam, however, she's too commercial and not editorial enough for Marlies' taste. I think this is code for "not beanpole skinny with big boobs." Marlies will not book Samantha. McKey meets first with designer Monique Collignon, who was struck instantly by her gorgeous, special, beautiful face. So maybe the judges haven't been blowing smoke up our collective asses with talk about how the rare and lovely McKey can make even chain mail look high-fashion. Monique loves McKey and says that she would be stunning in a show.

Meanwhile, Marjorie is wandering around Amsterdam. It would be helpful if she had a red striped hat and shirt so we could spot her more easily amidst a crowd of people or parked bikes or circus performers. As it is, Marjorie's drab ensemble has her blending in with the canal water. She tells us that she's very confused, and it's hard for her to understand the directions of how to get around such a complicated city. Sam is lost, too. She tells us that the street names in Amsterdam are totally unpronounceable. And before you dismiss her as completely xenophobic, take a gander at saying "Oudekennissteeg Centrum" three times fast. That's a lot of letters. Sam has collapsed all Dutch streets into one mythical place called "Paagenlaagensmaagensmaagaberg." I think that's where Rumpelstiltskin lives. Speaking of spinning straw into gold, Analeigh is lost as well and backs up Sam's contention that there are some crazy street names. Marjorie tries to ask pedestrians for help and they look at her like she's crazy and/or are utterly unhelpful.

Analeigh finally makes it to designer Hans Ubbink. He says that he's looking for personality above all. He wants her to be herself as much as possible but still give him a model feel. Analeigh confessionalizes that she really wants this challenge win, because it will prove that international designers are looking at her through the eyes of love and that she can get hired. Hans really likes her. Meanwhile, Elina sees designer Mart Visser who, you can tell by the scarf looped around his neck, is one bitchy queen. As Elina changes into one of Mart's designs, he feels her and notes that she's hot. She says that she was rushing to get there and he simply says, "Never run." He then tells us that he has a problem with someone coming in with a sweaty back, because that means mortal sweat will touch his expensive clothes, and that is unacceptable. After one walk Mart tells Elina that he's seen enough. He interviews that Elina's walk was okay and her looks were okay but he wouldn't book her as a model because she's playing a model but isn't a model. Whereas Mart isn't merely playing an asshole, he is an asshole.

McKey, Elina, Sam and Analeigh make their way to their second go-sees, while Marjorie continues to wander aimlessly with nary a go-see under her belt. She's totally frazzled at not finding her first designers, and heads back to her boat. Her driver starts to steer her to her second location, and Marjorie fears that she's not going to make it to see even one designer. And in her home continent, too! It is the cruel sort of irony that only a European citizen could truly appreciate and feel dour about. As she makes a sadder face than usual, we head to commercials.

When we return, Marjorie tells her driver that she doesn't have a good sense of direction to begin with. She feels more and more terrible and interviews that ANTM has a track record of eliminating girls for doing a bad job at go-sees since the point of being a good model is to be bankable. Or bangable, depending on your perspective. Marjorie finally finds Marlies Dekkers. And I'm sure parading around in elaborate skivvies will make Marjorie feel totally at ease after her traumatic two-hour wander through the streets of Amsterdam. Marjorie's body is pretty banging. She has that Raquel Welch kind of body with the curvy hips and little waist / flat tummy. She's skin-nay. Marlies tells us that Marjorie is not comfortable with her body, and is a little too hunched for comfort. Yeah, I would guess that the "Hunchback of Notre Dame" signature doesn't translate too well to the runway. Dragging your clubfoot behind you doesn't make a great impression at fashion week. Marlies gives Marjorie a posture lesson, then tells her not to be too nervous. Marjorie sees Elina on the way out and tells her this has been the most horrible experience of her life. Er, that's the spirit, little buckaroo. Next, Elina walks for Marlies, who notes that she has a lot of tattoos. Marlies says that she can't work with Elina, because what people will immediately see is the tattoos instead of her design. Elina is disappointed, and interviews that tattoos are the best way that she can express herself. Yeah, why bother with talking or making facial expressions when you can just get inked. When someone says that they can't hire her because of her tattoos, says Elina, it's kind of like a personal hit. I think there are a lot of people out there who would like to give Elina a personal hit.

McKey walks for Mart Visser. He tells us that when she entered he immediately thought that he wanted to have her for his show. She has the attitude, the hair, and the face. All of this blinding success has gone to McKey's bubble head, and, she tells us, she keeps forgetting to keep track of time and/or ask what time it is. McKey feels amazing to be surrounded by so much beauty. As she travels in her boat she puts her face up to the sun, shakes her head a little and says, "Yay! Sunshine!" Yeah, she's screwed. Elina heads to her fourth go-see as Analeigh makes her way to number three. They happen to be at the same designer, and so Analeigh has to wait until Elina is finished. Analeigh repeats that if the other girls don't see her as competition she's just going to see it as inspiration to prove them wrong. We don't get to hear what Monique Collignon thinks of Elina, but she does tell us that Analeigh has a kind of style that she would appreciate for her shows. Monique thinks that she's willing to learn.

Marjorie finally makes her way to her second go-see with designer Hans Ubbink. Marjorie still can't walk for crap, which is largely, though not totally, the problem. Hans tells her that he's seen enough. Outside of his studio, Marjorie breaks down and says that she REALLY doesn't think she booked Hans. She decides to head back to Touche, because she has to get a point for not being disqualified. I support her decision to put herself out of at least this temporary bit of misery. Analeigh makes it back to Touche. Meanwhile, McKey is floating in bliss and asks her driver in a suddenly vaguely European accent how long it takes to get back. It's about 4:50, and Elina's driver pulls her out of her boat. She loses a shoe in the process but is carefree in her timeliness and her boast-worthy four go-sees. Sam also makes it back to Touche in time. Everyone of course notices that McKey isn't there, and they all hope with all their might that she is late and gets disqualified. Bitchery! McKey hoists herself out of her boat and makes a break for the building, but it is all for naught. The clock hits five and she's out. She confessionalizes in a suddenly increasingly European accent that it's a real hit on her confidence, as the girl who's never late, to be late. I don't know how she's managed to be the girl who's never late when she apparently doesn't own a watch.

Frederick and Pearl greet the girls, and Frederick says he's very disappointed. This is, of course, because McKey was late. He looks disgusted, though this could be because he finally got a glimpse of his own shirt. Pearl tells McKey that she got a great response from the designers and all of them would like to work with her. She could have been the winner of the challenge. McKey confessionalizes in a European accent worthy of Madonna that she can take some comfort in the fact that she "puuh-fooooohmed" well and obviously needs to carry a watch or something. Or, like, not be such a dumb-ass.

Frederick gives the other girls their critiques. The clients said that Sam was a bit too commercial, and is not really an haute couture model. He sums up his feelings about this by adding, "It's a pity." Pearl tells Elina that she's a very good runway model, but she has a lot of tattoos, which can be a problem for some clients. Frederick tells Marjorie that she was very nervous, and the designers were very disappointed. She also needs to stop holding herself like she just left an appointment at the osteoporosis clinic. And finally Pearl tells Analeigh that the clients loved her hair and she looked really fresh. However, she might be trying too hard to please the clients. She should be a little more relaxed.

Pearl announces that, for the first time in Top Model history, all of the designers have provided items for the challenge's prize. As a result, it's worth over $18,000. Fierce! And the winner is Analeigh. She's blissful, and Pearl tells her that her prize will be at home in the apartment. Analeigh feels incredible to be not just a pretty girl, but a pretty girl who can book high fashion jobs. McKey feels like a doofus with only a mystifying accent to comfort her.

When the girls return home, Analeigh's expensive clothes are waiting for her and the others drool with envy. I hope drool spots come out of expensive clothes when you take them to the cleaner. McKey tries to put on a smile, but you can tell she's seething inside. She interviews that she would have been the challenge winner had she not been "dis-quoooool-ified" for being late. But, says McKey, she's not here to win prooooyzes, she's heee-ahhh to be America's Next Tooop Mooodel. And to annoy us all with this flippin' accent! Seriously, you guys, it's killing me. Meanwhile, Elina confessionalizes that she's jealous. She doesn't think Analeigh should have won the challenge. Instead, she thinks that she or McKey should have taken the prize. Way to stand behind the friend who shaved your hoo-ha mere days ago.

Tyra Mail! "You've never been exposed like this before, but you'll be amazed after. Love, Tyra." My, that IS intriguing! Sam hopes it's not a nude shoot, because she doesn't want to be naked. Marjorie, meanwhile, is feeling more Eeyore than usual. She did so badly at the go-sees, she's just hoping that she can do well at her photo shoot. As Marjorie makes her way upstairs, Sam says that she feels bad for her and wonders what the heck happened. Elina replies that Marjorie just got too nervous. Marjorie runs a bath. Analeigh sits on the side of the tub this time and gives Marjorie a pep talk. She tells Marjorie that everyone sees her as competition, and that she and McKey are the only ones who haven't yet been in the bottom two. Analeigh wants to shake her and say, "Friggin' Marjorie you're amazing, you're beautiful," and then slap her, and then say, "Just get it into your head you make a great model." And then make sweet, passionate love with the help of some choice souvenirs picked up in the Red Light District. But Marjorie is in no mood for lovemaking. She doesn't see what the other girls see in her. She interviews that she's starting to believe that maybe this is a hoax and that she was led to believe she could model, but really she can't. Finally Tyra Banks gets her revenge against France, the country that defiled her when she was a mere 16 years old! Sorry, Marjorie. Marjorie tells Analeigh that this experience is so stressful - let her repeat, SO STRESSFUL - and that she hated today. She thinks that doing poorly in the go-sees will get her in the bottom two or sent home. That's for sure. Sorry, Marge. Analeigh tells Marjorie not to bring this energy to the shoot, and Marjorie just stares at her with the giant eyes of a scrappy French street urchin. While you hear the faint strains of "Castle on a Cloud" playing in the distance, we head to commercials.

And hey! There is no Whitney's My Life as a Cover Girl commercial! I guess they've run out of even crappy Cover Girl things for her to do. Yay!

When we return the girls head off to their shoot, and Sam hopes that if they're going to be nude they're nude in a fashionable, couture manner, and not [Sam scary face/voice]: "HI I'M NUDE!" And like, pumping gas from betwixt their legs or whatever. When the girls get to the set they see Jay Manuel putting makeup on a man who is facing away from them. He puts down his brush for a moment, and then asks them if Christian's face can take this much makeup. Christian turns around looking like a Cirque de Soleil clown. Tyra then appears on a balcony and yells, "Hell no!" She glides down the stairs looking crazier than ever, then ominously asks the girls how they're doing today before telling them that she'll be shooting them today. And they're conveniently lined up for her, too! Seriously, at this point I wouldn't be surprised if she offed them all just so she could get back to filming more promo spots for Stylista.

In any case, Christian's face is an example of what Tyra does not want to see. She tells the girls that they'll be photographed two ways: clean and "after," which means totally done up and glam and fierce and ferocious. Sam is relieved that she's not going to be nude, even if there is a chance that Tyra actually is going to kill her. Elina thinks it's great that Tyra will be photographing them, since she'll bring out the best in everybody. Or give them completely contradictory advice and confuse them into a breakdown. Marjorie, meanwhile, is completely frightened at the thought of being shot by Tyra Banks. Oh, me too, Marjorie. Sometimes I think I see her sneaking into my window at night. It's why I leave a bucket of ribs outside of my bedroom door before I go to sleep. Appease the Gods if you want to live to see the next morning, I always like to say. Tyra is going to shoot them in black and white, so she says it's all about the shapes and patterns of their outfits.

Tyra will shoot the "clean" photo first, in which the girls wear their own clothes. Sam is first. The sounds of the go-see designers saying "too commercial" ring in her ears, and she thinks to herself that she has to be perfect. Part of being "clean" apparently means being braless, which actually works to Sam's advantage. She's perky from head to toe, that one. Tyra takes a few frames, then tells Sam to think "Oliver Twist" and give her boy. Sam does and everyone seems pleased. Sam then heads upstairs to get the hair and makeup and full-on parachute pants. Tyra tells us that Samantha comes alive with makeup and theatrics. Jay agrees, saying that she's naturally theatrical and that's why she works well with all the "stuff" piled on. Sam rocks it so much that both Tyra and Jay go into a Miss J. eyeball-rolling scream. It's high praise.

Next it's Marjorie's turn. Tyra does a test shot in which she asks for pure Polaroid Marjorie, and tells Marjorie to make it usable. She does, as she gives a little hunchy pose. Marjorie then jumps around to try to get her nerves out. We cut to Jay, in an interview, asking Tyra if Marjorie inspires her. We cut back to Tyra telling Marjorie that they're going to go for "the normal ones" first. Then Tyra says to Jay, "Was I excited to shoot her? ...No." Jay thinks that it's the nerves stepping in, and adds that Marjorie was a little intimidated by Tyra. Marjorie is a little intimidated by a leaf blowing in the wind. Tyra tells Marjorie to just flow and stop thinking about what the next shot is going to be. When the clean shoot is finally done, Tyra gives Marjorie a pat on the head and then asks what's up with her hair, which feels like fur. Christian says that he would love to cut her hair super-short, and then he does! She looks like Annie Lennox circa the early Eurythmics days, and her heavy makeup and jailhouse romper for the second part of the shoot only add to the effect. She interviews that the competition is not known for being merciful, and you either deliver or you don't. So make like Mr. McFeely and be speedy, Eponine. Tyra shifts the lighting around for the second part of Marjorie's shoot, just to try to convince us that she's a real photographer and stuff. Marjorie does a little better in her glamorous shot, and Tyra tells us that she pulled off the makeup. There is no orgasmic Miss J. face, though, so I think Marjorie might be in a spot of trouble.

Next up is Analeigh. She interviews that Tyra is the ultimate judge, so it's extremely nerve-wracking to shoot with her. However, it doesn't seem like she has much to worry about as Tyra, after changing her hair from a milkmaid braid to a ponytail, is done with her. Oh, but then Tyra interviews that she doesn't think that Analeigh is a washed face girl. She needs makeup. Analeigh gets all crazy looking and after Tyra tells her to look like a broken down doll her shoot is over. She seems pretty safe.

Elina is next, and Tyra asks her what's up with her nails. In fact, Elina has long nails. Not, like, hoochie at the mall nails with palm trees painted on them, but French manicure variety long. Tyra tells her that she can't model with them. But nails are the second best way that Elina can think of to express herself! That's like a personal attack! Elina interviews that she's been in the bottom two, and has heard everything positive and negative from Tyra. She thinks she can take everything that Tyra says and prove that she's not a stiff freak with control issues. Yeah, good luck with that. During her clean-faced shoot, Jay tells Elina to relax and stop posing so much. Rather, she should act like she's just hanging out. Elina can't seem to get it, though. As soon as Tyra was ready to snap a frame, Elina would go from natural to posed. Tyra tells her to stick her neck forward and part one of her shoot is done. While Elina is getting made up for the second half, Tyra tells Jay that she got it toward the end. Jay disagrees. He says that Tyra tricked her into it, and there's a difference between the two. Tyra is happy to take all the credit for Elina's good shots. In her crazy makeup glam shot, Jay yells at Elina to let loose for a change. Despite Jay's and Gloria Estefan's advice, Elina cannot, in fact, let it loose. Her last five "crazy" frames were even more posed than ever.

Finally there's McKey. She does so well in her clean pose that Tyra can't even think of a vaguely amusing comment. All she says is, "That girl...she can model." Tyra then decides to challenge McKey during the glam shot by having her done up in an A Clockwork Orange face with the one crazy eye. This at least gives Tyra the opportunity to say, "Work that eye!" as she shoots McKey, which is kind of awesome. To be frank, though, the makeup looks pretty stupid. But as it was Tyra's idea, everyone on her payroll will extol its brilliance until the last bag of weed in Amsterdam has been smoked. That's a wrap!

Back at the house, there is Tyra Mail. Someone is going home. Elina and Sam talk about how excited they are to see their pictures tomorrow, while Marjorie merely hopes that she's not eliminated. She interviews that the entire competition has been really difficult for her, whereas people like Elina seem to never doubt themselves and think they have this in the bag. Elina, conversely, thinks she has it in the bag. She thinks she's done what she can do to impress Tyra, and if Tyra isn't impressed all Elina can do is rip her hair out and scream. Which, in fact, would probably make a good photo. A dollar short, you know? With this, we head to commercials.

We enter panel. Tyra has apparently just rushed over from painting her hotel room and didn't have time to change. There are prizes, there are judges. Jay Manuel is the guest judge for the week, which seems to make everyone nervous and/or bored. Sam is up first for evaluation. She tells the panel that she made it to four go-sees, and Tyra announces that Sam booked two jobs. She must at least be happy that she's sticking with her pattern of mediocrity. Oh, and then it's time to learn Tyra's inspiration for the photo shoot. It will come as a shock to you to know that Tyra was her own inspiration. Photographer Ruvan Afanador shot Tyra for The New York Times Magazine, and asked if he could photograph her with no makeup. Tyra, against the better judgment of drag queens all over the world, said yes, and the idea for this shoot was born. In any case, back to Sam. Her clean photo is great. Nigel says that it looks like a Calvin Klein ad, and Paulina says that she wants to see Sam like this all the time. It's Nigel's favorite shot to date, and he says that if Sam looked like that and had that attitude at her go-sees, she'd book every job. The glam shot is also pretty fab. Jay tells Sam that she made Tyra so excited while she was shooting her, and that's really the job of every model. Kudos all around!

Next up is Analeigh, who booked three out of three jobs on her go-sees. Her clean photo is so-so. Nigel says that he usually thinks of Analeigh as a natural beauty, and that maybe she was intimidated by Tyra. He notes that Samantha's picture looks like a campaign, while Analeigh's picture looks like casting for a campaign. Her glam shot, however, is a huge improvement. Nigel says that it's perfect and Paulina announces, "Heavy makeup is for you, girl." Yeah, do what you can to cover up that face!

Next we have Marjorie. She made it to two go-sees. She explains that it was a mortifying experience, and she psyched herself out with her infamous nerves. Out of her two go-sees, Marjorie booked none. Not a shocker. Marjorie's clean photo looks alternately like a broken-down marionette and a weeping willow according to Miss J. Jay Manuel says that what's interesting is that this shot was Marjorie's first frame test shot. The rest of her film did not measure up to her first shot because she psyched herself out. Marjorie's glam shot, however, is a beautiful picture. Tyra says that the girl in the picture is strong, sharp and cunning, while the girl in front of them is meek, timid and unsure. They need to figure out how to fix Marjorie's split personality.

Next there's Elina. Tyra tells her that she looks like a bad version of Angelina Jolie in Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I thought that was Elina's thing? Miss J. has Elina remove her blouse and just wear her suit jacket, which the panel says is a big improvement. Tyra tells Elina that the go-see designers thought she was smart and very well spoken, but her tattoos were distracting. She booked two out of four jobs. Tyra and Jay explain to Elina her problem of going from natural to forced pose just as a shot is being taken. Her glamorous shot is not crazy like Tyra requested. Elina tells the panel that when they ask her to be crazy she has no idea what to do. They ask her to do a crazy pose right then, and she proves the point she just made by giving some sort of lame catalogue pose. Jay says, "You're 18, right?" and Elina nods. Jay tries to make some sort of point but it's interrupted by Tyra who is amazed that Elina is 18. The rest of the panel can't really believe it either. They force her to do what all 18 year olds do, which is shake their hair and scream. Elina laughs a little, like she always does when she's been required to partake in a "fun" thing. Truly, though, it is disturbing that she's not actually a 40-year-old woman.

Finally we have McKey. She went to four go-sees, but of course was late coming back to the agency. It's a pity, because she booked all of her go-sees and would have won the challenge had she been on time. But no matter. We see McKey's clean photo, and Tyra takes the opportunity to talk once again about that signature pose teach from a few weeks ago. You're a genius, we get it. Watch Stylista, airing immediately after America's Next Top Model! The panel also seems to like McKey's glam crazy-eye shot. Paulina gives kudos to McKey for having come so far from her boxing days. With that, the girls are dismissed to ponder who gets the big boot back to America, and we head to commercials.

And hey! It's Top Models in Action! Remember Mollie Sue of the no personality? She's taken the international fashion world by storm. She's based in Paris and lives the glamorous life posing for magazines and working the runway. Good for her!

The judges deliberate. Samantha has blown Nigel away. Analeigh is a dream according to Paulina, except that she has large eyes, a fairly substantial nose, and a large mouth. Her face, in short, does not photograph well. Nigel rushes to Analeigh's defense, saying that just because her face doesn't photograph in a way that Paulina likes it doesn't mean she's not photogenic. He thinks that one could learn to love a look like Analeigh's. Nigel would not book Marjorie for a job, because she's a nervous wreck. Paulina knew that "go and sees" would be Marjorie's downfall. Tyra patronizingly says that she loves how Paulina calls them "go and sees." Jay points out that people like vulnerability but not frailty. McKey's glamorous shot is true fashion. Elina does not look 18, and needs to let go of her control. Nigel doesn't think her beauty is inspirational. Miss J. does an Elina impression, which is the kiss of death. And with that, the panel has made its decision.

The girls return. Tyra has eight photos in her hands, due to the fact that each girl had two photos this week. The first name who she's going to call is Samantha. Good times for her! Next is McKey, who still looks insane in her weird-ass wardrobe. Then there's Analeigh, who has to work on the natural, pure version of herself. This leaves Elina and Marjorie to step forward. Europeans on the block! Both young women have potential, but stand in their own way. Elina has a face that doesn't come by often and a beautiful confidence. She photographs exquisitely. But she holds on. She holds on with all her might, and that diminishes her beauty. And then there's Marjorie. She's exquisite and has all the potential and makings of a top model. But she's kind of a freak. And she freaked out even more when she had to interact with unknown humans in a strange city. However, she stays! Marjorie takes her photos, and hopefully a helping of confidence to get her through next week. Elina tears up as she hugs Tyra and says that the experience has been amazing. Tyra tells her not to let control get in the way of her career, because she has something amazing. She's the girl with the tattoos and edge, and she needs to bring it out instead of acting like she just accidentally wandered out of the nursing home.

Elina exit interviews that she didn't think entering this competition would reveal anything new about herself. However, it has, and now she's aware of what she needs to improve on as a model and a person. She has to address her control issues, and is happy that she learned this lesson now. With that, she gets to head back to mom's house. I bet they've been enjoying watching all of these episodes together and talking about the feelings of maternal hatred that were announced on a national stage! Good times.

Next week: "YOU HAD SEX?!?!?" part deux.

Potes went on 117 go-sees and booked none. She can be reached at potesypotes@gmail.com.

Practice your innate ferocity with the help of our ANTM: Fiercest Moments gallery.

Previously on ANTM: Tyra taught the girls how to work their signature poses, and Marjorie made everyone sing "Baby Got (Hunch)Back." Lauren Brie failed in the week's award-show-themed photo shoot and was sent home. Seven bitches remain!

As the girls head home from judging in their limo, Sheena laments the fact that the judges don't think she's modelesque. Someone yells at her to prove them wrong. Sheena interviews that being in the bottom two is nerve-wracking, and this week she has to bring it. Every time Sheena says anything I am reminded of Maria, the little girl whom I mentor, who upon decking out some sort of Barbie-typed paper doll, yelled out, "My girl looks bangin', okay?" She could for sure grow up to be a sassy wannabe model. Elina, meanwhile, talks to Marjorie and complains that Tyra told her that she still wasn't letting go, even when she cried one tear and her heart grew ten sizes that day. Marjorie sympathizes, saying that such a thing is really hard to hear when your Teflon soul moved three centimeters to the left. Elina pauses for a moment, then says, "God, it's even getting to me right now!" and sheds ANOTHER TEAR! Miraculous. Elina interviews that it's frustrating when the judges say she's not open. And then, the kicker. She adds that the reason why she might be a little more reserved is because she's from Europe, and Europeans have a different way of approaching certain situations. Would someone from Europe like to speak up and tell me why you all are so dead inside?

Back in the limo, Elina says that unless you're from Europe you won't understand. Marjorie adds that every time she cried she was instantly told to shut up. Uhhhhh....huh I think that these two might blame their manners of being less on Europe and more on their weird-ass fucking parents. My parents only told me to shut up when I sang commercials for album compilations verbatim at the dinner table. Joslyn represents all of us when she rolls her eyes as Marjorie and Elina say that it's hard to be understood in the U.S. Okay, what about Roberto Benigni? He seemed awfully expressive! And Marcel Marceau? He expressed all human emotions through creepy-ass clown makeup alone! Marjorie interviews that she definitely understands where Elina's coming from, and that they have a commonality because they're both European. Sam asks the two of them if it is, in fact, true that they came to the U.S. when they were eight and thus have had eleven years to adapt. Elina acts like it's the stupidest question she's ever heard in her life and then spits out, "Do you understand how hurtful that is? As if I haven't dealt with this my whole life? Living here?" She looks like a dragon lady right now. A dead-inside, European dragon lady wearing a beret atop her stank red weave. Oh, and then she cries another tear. WE GET IT.

Sheena asks the two of them if they're happy in America, as they seem quite frustrated. This is apparently not an appropriate question, either, and both Marjorie and Elina get very mad. Marjorie assures Sheena that they're not leaving, but it's a fact that they had to adapt. Sam thinks it's a hot load that they're going to blame all of their problems on being immigrants. If you're, like, being held at Guantanamo then you can blame all of your problems on being an immigrant. If you're on a reality show to become a fashion model, then maybe just chill for a minute. Don't you guys feel like Tyra is totally trying to get us to hate Europe? Why can't we just hate Marjorie and (especially) Elina on their own merits? Sheena says that you're only an immigrant in your mind, and you're only the way you feel. Marjorie interviews that the others don't care to understand her and Elina, and want them to say that they're different and wrong. No, I think they just want you to stop whining all the time.

Oh God, but it's still not over. Elina and Marjorie debrief Analeigh on the whole limo situation, and Elina says that when Sheena asked if they were happy in America, she might as well have just told them to go back to their countries. Marjorie agrees that they're being attacked. And you know, when they're talking to the women of color in the house, these bitches need to just step off. In the kitchen, McKey says it's annoying that every single time Marjorie or Elina are different about something they blame it on their European-ness and tell the others that they wouldn't understand. Like how they spell "color" with a "u" and shit. Sam wants to karate chop them. Sheena adds that in the competition this is going to be their default, so the others might as well let them be. However, Sheena secretly does not want to let them be. She interviews that Elina and Marjorie are making themselves out to be victims. She adds that her mother is foreign and speaks with an accent. Sheena embraces her culture, but at the same time can still feel American. At the kitchen table Sheena tells the others that it's all about where you're going, not where you're from. Joslyn, meanwhile, has other concerns. She interviews that she doesn't have time to worry about immigration and tears. Her main focus is to step back up the Top Model ladder, and it's getting harder and harder. She's starting to feel like she's breaking down. And, not being from Europe, she has nothing to blame that upon.

Tyra Mail! "Work it, sell it, own it. Love, Tyra." Before the girls can even speculate upon what awaits them, they enter a big pink building and are greeted by a familiar face. It is a bald man who says, "One of us is ordinary." Then another emerges from a curtain and says, "Two of us are extraordinary." Yes, friends, it's Ron and Richard Harris, the Aswirl Twins. Sam loves them and their big matching broaches. The Aswirl Twins are there to teach the girls how to work with accessories - gloves, scarves, hats and the like. Aswirl Twin One ties a blue scarf around his waist. That's a long scarf. Aswirl Twin Two says that a simple handbag is an item that can come alive through modeling. But hopefully not alive in the way that it eats your hand when you reach in to grab for lip gloss.

The girls take a turn at modeling with accessories. McKey does not know the proper way to rotate a stupid looking hat. Sheena thinks she can damn sure work a scarf, and we get no argument from the Aswirl Twins. Joslyn shows the versatility of her bag by turning it from a bag with a handle to a bag where the handle is hidden. Amazing! Marjorie wraps a skirt around herself in something of a clueless manner. Aswirl Twin Two shows her how to wrap the skirt in such a way that it's easy to get out of the skirt. This is a trick that's come in handy for him many a time. Europeans wrap their skirts in a completely different way, so Marjorie can't be blamed. Cultural tyranny!

The girls make their way to an area with a stage for their challenge. As music plays, a creature from my nightmares emerges. It is a person in a lime green bodysuit that covers even the face, wearing a purple dress, pearl necklace, and kicky hat. There is a TV screen immediately to the person's left, in which all human parts of the person disappear, making it look like the clothes are walking around by themselves, like in Bedknobs and Broomsticks. But it is not substitutiary locomotion that's making the clothes dance - it's James St. James, self-proclaimed freakshow author and fashion provocateur. I wonder what the starting salary for a freakshow author and fashion provocateur is. Sheena explains to us that James St. James is out of the box. It was a sad day when someone removed that lid. James explains that the girls will be performing in an avant-garde fashion preview of Petro Zillia's invisible model collection. James introduces Nony Tochterman, the fashion designer for Petro Zillia. If you think this is confusing to read, you should get a look at this lady. It's like Woody Allen got caught in an explosion at the cotton candy factory. I can't be sure, but she may have a prosthetic forehead. Nony says that she spends a lot of time designing her pieces, and she wants them to look a certain way when they're showcased. Mostly, she doesn't want models to eff them up, which is why the girls will be invisible! Except for their bright green bodysuits, you'll hardly be able to see them at all. Nony will be in the audience watching to see who makes her clothing the star of the night.

The girls put on their green bodysuits. If I put that thing on all you would see walking across the TV screen would be armpits. Petro Zillia designs are put atop the green spandex. Joslyn likes her flowy purple dress, and thinks that the belt could be taken off to show that she learned something during her teach. Marjorie gets a colorful, tight tube dress. She says that it's a sexy dress, but she's a person who never feels sexy. Because, contrary to popular belief, Europeans never feel sexy. And speaking of not feeling sexy, Ann Shoket, editor-in-chief of Seventeen is there to help judge the challenge. She tells the girls that the winner of the challenge will be in a beautiful holiday fashion and accessories story in the December/January issue of Seventeen. The nightclub seems to be about half-full as the girls prepare to go on. James tells them not to fall off the stage. Ignore that terrible advice! Do a Liza for us! Elina, meanwhile, starts freaking out and is unable to breathe with the green bodysuit covering her face. What? Europeans have smaller nostrils than the rest of us! Sheena interviews that, panic attack or asphyxiation or whatever, Elina's going to have to work it somehow. As Elina says she doesn't think she can do it, we head to commercials.

When we return, Elina hears the music and starts dancing with James and starts to feel very good and very fun and forgets all about her panic attack. Aw, man, I was hoping for a spandex-covered freak out. James pushes Elina on stage, where she prances and makes use of her dress's big sleeve. McKey has a full skirt and wants to show how it moves. However, she pulled the dress as wide as it could go, and Ann says that's not what the dress is supposed to look like. Nony does not look amused by Ann. Marjorie tells us that the green bodysuit is very hot, and you can't see. In some ways this is helpful for Marjorie, because she can't see the audience. In other ways it is not helpful, as the top of her dress has settled around her waist and she has no idea. Nony just shakes her head. When Marjorie goes backstage and learns that her green bodysuited chesticles were on display, she feels embarrassed and humiliated. Now that is an emotion that transcends cultural differences. Analeigh works a pearl necklace, which Ann likes, and Samantha swirls and twirls and takes her jacket on and off like a fool. Nony is disgusted. Joslyn takes off her belt and shimmies it behind her shoulders. Ann grimaces. Sheena shakes and shakes in her ruffly dress, and I think Nony wants to stab a fork into her prosthetic forehead. If she did, I wonder what would come out.

Ann and Nony give the girls their critiques. Nony tells Joslyn that never in fashion do you want to represent a strip show. She encourages her to strive for elegance. Sheena had too much movement. Marjorie was practically half-naked, and needs to rely on senses other than vision to know when clothes are falling down. Elina had elegant movement, and showed her big sleeve off to good effect. And she's the winner. Europe: 1. America: 765. Fighting oppression one green body suit at a time. Sam is pissed that Elina won, but not for the normal reasons. Turns out that Elina hates holidays and is an atheist, so her appearance in a holiday editorial seems a bit ironic. Well, maybe it does to those of us born on U.S. soil, but not to Europeans, who eat irony like so many Croque-monsieurs. We travel with Elina and her two buddies, Analeigh and Marjorie, as they shoot their holiday spread. There is nothing holiday-ish about it, so I think the atheists of the world will probably approve.

Tyra Mail! "A well-read model is always prompt. Love, Tyra." The girls deduce that they will be shooting a commercial. Meanwhile, Joslyn is feeling a bit under the weather, both physically and, it must be said, mentally. She looks like she's about to crack. In the kitchen, someone is eating teriyaki sauce, and Sam takes the opportunity to do her famous "oriental" impersonation. Analeigh tells her that this could possibly be offensive. Sam doesn't understand what could possibly be offensive, and Analeigh tells her that she has to be careful with some of her accents. Oh, she has a whole repertoire, does she? That actually sounds like it might be pretty horrible. Sheena pipes in by saying that she's Asian and she's not even offended. Marjorie shoots a look over to Elina, and Sheena decides it's time to have it out. She tells Marjorie and Elina that since the conversation on the bus, they've been acting a certain way and things have changed. Elina's all, "Since you insulted us?" She was about to say "me," because she really could give a rat about Marjorie.

Sheena soliloquizes, "Bottom line is, we all come from some sort of background, whether we have been repressed, whether we have been racially criticized. Stop putting it on being European. Grow out of it. Come out the shell." Elina says that her performance has been criticized because of her way. What she doesn't understand is it's not the European way that's being criticized, but rather her generally douchey way. Sheena says that she's not going to criticize, she's going to ask questions, such as whether Elina felt conflicted about doing a Christmas spread in Seventeen. Elina does not, and I'm with her on that. It would be pretty stupid of her to deny a modeling gig just because she's a godless heathen. She should have some accomplishments to mull over as she spends eternity in hell. Sheena basically calls Elina a hypocrite, and Elina says this is the silliest thing she's ever heard in her life. Sheena thinks that Elina thinks it's silly because she doesn't know what to say in the face of such an accurate point. In fact, it's just silly. Marjorie and Elina sit in the confessional together, and Marjorie says that the others are bitter about not winning and are trying to accuse Elina of being a beneficiary of something she does not deserve. I don't know what that means, but it sounds vaguely European in nature. Sheena and Elina do the, "Are you finished? Are YOU finished?" game and we head to commercials.

Oh, hey, it's Whitney. Oooh, and a cute dog! I would watch that dog's My Life As A Cover Girl every week and squeal with delight. As it is, Whitney's voice makes me want to continue my slow process of deafening myself a little more each day with consistent Q-Tip use.

When we return, Elina says that she doesn't think an understanding can be reached with the other girls. But she doesn't care, because she's in it to win it. Sheena tells us that there's a huge divide in the house, and it's almost like good versus evil. Like the Revolutionary War! I totally want to go dump a teabag in the river or something. Joslyn, meanwhile, is not feeling so hot. She's coughing and generally looking kind of aggrieved. Being sick, she says, she'll have to work that much harder.

The girls head off to a beautiful house in Bel Air, where they see Mr. Jay and a mysterious lady in a chair. Said lady turns around, and it's Whitney. Oh, great. She starts blathering on about some sort of hideous eye shadow and some sort of clumpy mascara, and how when you put it all together it makes for statement-making eyes. Jay and Whitney note that when it's time to film commercials, top models tend to forget their lines. We get flashbacks to winners past biffing their scripts. Jay tells the girls that they'll be getting a teleprompter today, but if they haven't studied their script they're going to sound like jerks anyway, so it's not that much of an advantage. Frank Ockenfels will be the director for the shoot. The girls get their hair and garish makeup done, and practice their lines. We get a close-up of McKey's script, which was clearly printed out on someone's crappy inkjet. Sheena chats up Whitney by saying that she was in the bottom two last week. She's ready to show that she deserves to live another week.

Sam is up first to shoot her commercial. Jay says that in the real world a person would get a couple of takes, but for the purposes of the competition each girl will get five. Frank blocks the commercial with Sam, who seems to vaguely understand what he's telling her. The commercial is standard easy, breezy fair. You know, "life's a blast," "get an eyeful of this," "big, beautiful look at me color," etc. Jay tells us that Sam brought her natural energy to the set, and he loved it. Joslyn, meanwhile, feels terrible. She can't concentrate on reading her lines backstage because she's so nauseous. Methinks she's gonna blow!

Elina is up next. Frank tells her to make it conversational, make it open, make it her. Well, if he wants Elina to be true to herself it will be dead-eyed and sullen. And it kind of is. I think that Elina is so surly all the time because she looks kind of weird when she smiles. This is also true of Europeans because of lack of adequate dental care. Jay kind of rolls his eyes at Elina, and then tells her that she's still too controlled. She's tired of hearing it, and he's tired of saying it. He say that she needs to communicate the lines, not just read them. She tries to convince us that Cover Girl puts the "pow" in "powder." If Cover Girl has taken care of the "pow," that leaves Elina to bring the "der." She gets a couple of takes and tells us that ultimately she thinks she had fun. Inasmuch as someone from Europe can ever have fun.

We then have McKey. Why is she so creepy all the time? Her face looks great, but she just always seems so odd. She has some blocking problems at first, then jumbles her lines. Jay says that McKey is clueless, and clueless does not make a Cover Girl. Next we have Analeigh, who starts her commercial by applying some eye shadow. I almost believe her when she says life's a blast! Hey, I want to have purple eyeshadow too! Jay tells Analeigh that he really feels like she's talking to him and is engaged. He probably is the target audience for this particular product. Jay tells us that Analeigh was great, and that when she speaks she becomes way more beautiful. Meanwhile, Joslyn does some quality hurling backstage. I wish showing puking on TV was illegal. Sheena wonders if Joslyn will be okay and able to do the shoot.

Next up is Marjorie. Jay notes to the Cover Girl rep that she always lets her nerves get in the way. This shoot is no exception. Marjorie looks like she's about to cry the whole time she's filming her first take. And then she does cry when Jay talks to her. Jay is nicer than Marjorie's parents, and does not tell her to shut up. He should, though. He does, to his credit, say that they coddle her to calm her down, but the judges are only going to get pickier and pickier as the competition nears its end. They can only hold her up for so long. Marjorie does her subsequent takes, which are much better.

Sheena is next. She knows she's got it. She was feeling what she was saying, she tells us, and she really believed in the product to boot! She is really engaging if still mildly hooch. Frank tells us that every motion had a fluid point to it, and there were no moments where she was stopping or looking at her feet or falling down the stairs. Finally, there's Joslyn. Jay tells her that they're going to do it as quickly as possible, and that if she feels sick she should tell him and take a break. It won't count against her, unless she hurls on the Cover Girl rep. Joslyn assures us that even though she was very sick, she had no intention of giving up. Her first take is super stagey and overexpressive. Jay asks if they served ham and cheese between takes. I hope not, because ham and cheese hurl is the worst kind, after oatmeal hurl. She does another take, and Jay mouths that she way overdid it. Jay says that Joslyn's sickness read in her eyes. Her first couple of takes were a bit much, and the last take was flat. It's sad times for Joslyn. No amount of turquoise eye shadow can help her now.

Back at home there is Tyra Mail. Someone is getting the boot. Sheena tells us that she wants Marjorie or Elina to go, because those two are the most spiteful and hateful towards her. Marjorie freaks out that she'll be on the chopping block. She says that no one else broke down during the commercial, and no one else sashayed around during the challenge with their dress half falling off. She's scared and says she doesn't want to go home as we head to commercials.

When we return, it's panel time. Tyra welcomes the girls. There are prizes, there are judges, there are questionable wardrobe choices. Frank Ockenfels is the guest judge. Tyra beings the panel process by reminding the girls of Cycle 6, when the girls had to walk in impossibly high heels and maybe broke their ankles but who cares because they signed their lives away when they came on the show! Tyra went out and found some hideous orange and yellow clogs for the girls to work. Each model has to walk in them, to kind of hilarious effect. Marjorie has never looked so elfin. Sheena actually does a pretty good job, as does Joslyn, even though she adds a wink at the end of her walk. Sam sucks, and maybe falls on her ass. Once they're done, Tyra tells the girls that it's important to know how to walk in all kinds of shoes, and especially wooden clogs. Why is this? Because they're going overseas to Amsterdam! And then the Aswirl Twins come out dressed as windmills, and Paulina and Miss J. are wearing blonde braids, and there's a yellow flashing "Amersterdam" caption at the bottom of the screen along with some little bobbing Dutch people, and it's all kind of freaky like that point in Xanadu where they turn into trippy drug-fueled cartoons. And then Tyra takes great glee in cutting this happy moment short by noting that not everyone's going to Holland. So cruel!

Once the Amsterdam hijinx are over, it's time for evaluations. Sam is up first. I find her commercial reading to be a bit aggressive. Tyra tells Sam that she had a teleprompter and still wasn't able to make the commercial her own. Frank says that Sam didn't enunciate her words, and then everyone does an impression of her. Fun times! Marjorie is next. Her rapid-fire dialogue leads Miss J. to compare her to a clucking chicken, which cracks Sheena up. Analeigh is next. Tyra tells her that her commercial is the best she's ever seen in the history of America's Next Top Model. That is high praise, even if 95% of the contestants are actually functionally retarded. Frank gives her props for being the only one to use the product. It is indeed a good commercial, and Analeigh is pleased.

Next we have Joslyn. She sucks, and does that Sarah Palin wink again. Nigel tells her there's a time to wink and a time not to wink. In case you were wondering, this commercial falls into the latter category. Tyra gives Joslyn credit for not letting her sickness show in her commercial, but says that her laugh was awfully fake. Paulina had more of a problem with her wild gesticulating. Then there's Elina. She's dull and soulless. Nigel notes that Elina looks down when she's walking down stairs, which is a bad thing. Frank says that Elina's whole performance was a closed fist, which is of course consistent with what the judges have been saying all along. Then we have Sheena. Miss J. thought that Sheena was about to bust into the snake. Paulina says that Sheena's manner really works for TV, and Sheena seems happy. Finally there's McKey. Paulina says that the beginning of the commercial was disastrous, except for the fact that she looked gorgeous. Tyra agrees that it was not good.

Oh, and then it's Top Models in Action! Jaslene won Cycle 8 and now lives in New York City and is signed with Elite. She's had some runway shows and some campaigns and still probably talks with the deaf voice.

The judges deliberate. Nigel quite liked Samantha's video, as did Frank. Paulina says that she's likeable, and a top model should be likeable. Marjorie is chicken-like, according to J. Tyra says that Marjorie used her awkward chicken-ish ways to her advantage for about two seconds in the commercial. Analeigh was perfect and blew everyone away. Joslyn has fallen, and can't get up. The whole panel wonders what's up with the wink, too. Miss J. thinks that she harkens back to the days when there were print girls and runway girls. Print girls were gorgeous and personality-free, while runway girls had personality but maybe not flawless looks. Joslyn falls into the latter category. Elina was tight per usual. Nigel says that she's beautiful, but it doesn't translate into a commercial in part because of her lack of natural charm. Sheena has looks that can kill, which Paulina thinks is good. She's expressive and is aware of her body. Miss J. calls this the "Sheena Inky Slink." McKey's face is the best for makeup, says Nigel, but she was a disaster in motion. Paulina points out that they have a difficult decision ahead, because some girls are fantastic commercial models, and some are wonderful photo models, but there's no one who's great at both. Except for Tyra.

The girls return. There are seven girls standing before Tyra, and six screen grabs in Tyra's hands. The first name that Tyra is going to call is...Analeigh, of course! Next is Sheena, who is thrilled. Tyra next calls Samantha, Marjorie, and McKey. Will someone explain to me what the heck is up with McKey's wardrobe? It's worse than Tyra's. Anyway, this of course leaves Elina and Joslyn in the bottom two. Joslyn looks worried, while Elina is stone faced. Joslyn took fantastic photos in the competition but then faltered, while Elina took strong pictures but isn't translating well into moving pictures. One thing about both girls, says Tyra, is that they have such a strength. Elina's strength is in desperate need of control, while Joslyn has survivor-type strength. And Joslyn is going to be able to survive her ouster, says Tyra, as she hands Elina a photo with encouragement to let go. Maybe once she's back in her homeland she'll be able to do so. Tyra is proud of Joslyn for pushing through while she was sick, but she says that the judges won't give her pity points. And then she says other stuff, but I don't know what it is because my DVR cut off! The CW needs to chill with those endless Stylista promos. Sorry, guys!

Next week: Tyra and co. will have an excuse for seeming like they're high off their asses.

Potes is sometimes easy but never breezy. You can reach her at potesypotes@gmail.com.

Practice your ferocity by consulting our ANTM: Fiercest Moments gallery.

Previously on ANTM: Okay, this is hilarious. Tyra voices over, "Marjorie's lack of confidence hurt her in the challenge," despite the fact that Paulina totally made a big point out of the fact that Marjorie is not confidence-impaired, but rather European. Something tells me the rotating supermodel guest seat on the panel will have a new skinny ass in it next season. Clark finally got the boot in a 60's mod giant natural disaster themed shoot. Yeah, you heard me right. Eight bitches remain!

We enter the Top Model kitchen, where Sam makes pancakes and McKey makes salad. Sam mentions that her dad is super strict, and that children of parents who are super strict turn out frickin' crazy. Maybe this explains the hiking of the dress on the runway? Elina jumps in to say that her mom has controlled her her whole life, which is the genesis of all her control issues. She says that she wants to control everything because for such a long time she couldn't control anything. She's got her own mind. She wants to make her own decisions. When it has to do with her life, she wants to be the one in control. Elina interviews that her mom is very conservative and controlling and Russian. Elina moved to the U.S. from the Ukraine when she was 8. She wasn't allowed to express her emotions, because you just don't do that in Europe. Do we need to, like, send Oprah on some sort of European tour to get these emotionally dead people to get in touch with their feelings? Does Dr. Phil need to do group therapy with the whole continent? Elina says that her mom never let her do anything, and that during her whole life she's only ever had one friend. Okay, in all fairness that might not be her mom's fault entirely.

Lauren Brie, meanwhile, interviews with absolutely no expression that last week the judges told her to let her personality shine through. She's very confused, and is worried that she might go home. Sheena tells us that Lauren Brie is a very smart girl, but not a very exciting girl. Basically, Lauren Brie is doomed. We cut to the girls sunning themselves on the lawn, and get a close up of Elina's stomach tattoo which reads, "A voice for those who can't speak." Her oppressive Russian mother sure didn't stop her from getting all inked up, did she? Elina asks the others if they think Analeigh will be a successful international model. Lauren Brie doesn't think so. Elina doesn't either because, she says, Analeigh doesn't look like a model. Analeigh comes out and asks the others if they see her as competition. They pretend not to have heard her, and so Marjorie rephrases the question in a clearer manner. Analeigh tells Marjorie not to make them answer. She knows what's what, yo. Elina tells Analeigh that she's a very pretty girl, but doesn't look like a model. I guess she's giving a voice for those who can't speak other than behind peoples' backs. Analeigh sucks on a lollipop contemplatively. She confessionalizes that McKey and Elina have amazing faces, Marjorie is a natural model, and Lauren Brie can't take a bad picture. And then there's Maude. Analeigh is frustrated because she can't find her niche.

The girls head off on their bus and wonder what surprising, horrible fate awaits them. They enter a photo studio with all sorts of lovely clothes hanging, and see Tyra Mail. But there's no text. And that's because this is a Tyra Mail special delivery by Miss Tyra herself! And you know, I appreciate Tyra's right to eat ribs and be whatever size she pleases, but that bitch needs to stop with the coochie-grazing skirts. Tyra reads her mail aloud: "Neither rain nor sleet nor my achy, achy feet will keep you from your Tyra Mail this week. It's time you learn your signature style so you'll be a fierce top model [snap] child. I'll show you my tricks, but let's be frank...you'll be thanking Miss Tyra when you're making big bank. Love, Tyra." It's a dramatic reading on par with anything ever attempted by the late Sir Laurence Olivier. Tyra scurries out the door and the girls see another note waiting for them. It says, "Go get dressed and change into your black dresses and heels..." Those ellipses at the end read ominously, don't they? Like what follows is an unspoken, "Tyra's going to slather you in BBQ and make you her next meal."

After the girls change into their identical black dresses they walk on set to see Tyra being shot by Jim de Yonker. She holds a leg up in the air and Sheena says, "So that's how she do it...that's how she gets all them shots." The final product is airbrushed to this side of Mars. Tyra welcomes the girls to her photo shoot, then asks them if they recall Top Model's emphasis on girls having a signature walk. Wait, I thought everyone bitch slapped Camille for the whole signature walk thing? It's the infamous Top Model consistency in advice! In any case, Tyra says that the signature walk is Miss J.'s territory. Her territory, you will be pleased to know, is the signature pose. Tyra tells us that Gisele is famous for looking like she has scoliosis. Not to be outdone, Tyra's signature is, of course, her eyes. Yeah, if Tyra is known for two things it's totally her eyes. The girls today will be doing a twenty-picture shoot. Tyra's going to let them go freestyle for the first ten photos, and then they'll get to look at the monitor and see what they've done. At that point, Tyra will also coach them and send them off to do their last ten frames with all sorts of newfound knowledge. Analeigh tells us that any young model would kill to have twenty frames and a critique with Tyra.

Analeigh is up first. Tyra asks what her signature is, and Analeigh says that it's Ice Castles. She's a skater, and so does a lot with her legs. I thought her signature was not living up to her potential. Even though she said she'd be quiet during the first ten frames, Tyra can't help herself and shouts out that some of Analeigh's poses are too literal. Lauren Brie interviews that she sees Analeigh as an average girl trying to force something. The more I hear Lauren Brie speak, the more I'm convinced that the big ole forehead conceals a whole lot of empty space. Tyra critiques Analeigh by saying that she lost her shoe and had tight lips. It's advice sure to turn Analeigh into the best model ever. Before Analeigh starts her final ten frames, Tyra asks what kind of skater she is. Turns out she's a rebel skater. I love when the girls have to pull out nonsensical shit in response to Tyra's stupid questions. Sadly for Analeigh she's still too literal and Tyra gives her a seven.

McKey is next. Her signature is an over the shoulder pose. Tyra advises her to work the curve of the neck, then tells her to make like she just got punched. Suddenly, McKey's signature pose is "boxer." But, like, boxer with a swan-like neck. Tyra tells us that McKey did really well, once she straightened her out. Then we have Sam, whose hands are her signature pose. Hilariously the caption reads, "Signature pose: 'her hands.'" Elina interviews that Sam has a good face, but it's probably not strong enough to keep her in the competition. Tyra advises Sam not to think about the hands too much, other than as an extension of herself. An extension that's attached to her wrists, in fact. In her final shot Sam's hands look like giant lobster claws coming to avenge their people, so long boiled alive in a stock pot.

Lauren Brie's signature is "awkward." This basically means that she turns her feet in a lot. Lauren Brie interviews that it was difficult to come up with a signature pose because there's nothing really unique about her modeling yet. Tyra tells Lauren Brie that she looks bored, and in one shot she looks like an amputee. An amputee about to pleasure herself, I might add. In an interview, Sheena underscores the fact that Lauren Brie is bland. I don't know, "masturbating amputee" seems pretty unique and compelling to me. Before her final ten frames, Tyra tells Lauren Brie that her signature is "surfer dope chick." Tyra says that Lauren Brie's poses were pretty but empty. Tyra wants Lauren Brie to fill it with something. Maybe she could borrow some of what Tyra's full of. In the confessional Lauren cries because she's been pushed into the "personality, or lack thereof" slot. We head to commercials.

When we return, Sheena tells Tyra that her signature pose is diva-ness, minus the hooch. But the hooch shines from within. The girl just can't help it. Tyra gives her boobs a firm pat to prove that she has them too, and that if you hunch your back a bit they look smaller. Stripper music plays while Sheena is posing. Sam tells us that when she thinks of Sheena she thinks of boobs and butt flying around everywhere. If she's walking past you sometimes you have to duck to avoid getting a concussion. Tyra looks at Sheena's film and tells her that her signature is "cultural dance." Sheena apparently is usually thinking about cultural dances, so this is perfect. Do you think "cultural dances" include dances reminiscent of Culture Club, where you just kind of sway back and forth and snap? Will Sheena tumble 4 us? Tyra tells Sheena how to do an African dance because, as we have seen with the "cultural dance" moniker, Tyra knows a lot about culture.

Joslyn is next. She tells Tyra that she likes to pose kind of wide. Tyra Banks is not having it. She tells Joslyn that she gets a little stiff when she poses, and adds that she's stronger in profile than she is head-on. Thus, Joslyn's signature pose becomes "profile." Tyra tells us that there are all sorts of things you can do to be sexy from the side, such as waving your hands in the air like you just don't care. Then we have Elina. Poor Elina doesn't even get to choose her own signature pose. Before she can say anything Tyra tells her that she wants to be the "top model of the world." If Tyra weren't so straight-laced I would theorize that she's on drugs. Maybe her problem is that she needs some drugs. I mean, even a shot of Robitussin, you know? Elina's first ten shots look too catalogue, so Tyra tells her to make some shapes and exaggerate them. Elina is - surprise! - too controlled, and Tyra says that she hasn't yet realized that the magic will happen when she lets go.

Next is Marjorie. She has a clear vision for her signature pose: the hunchback of Notre Dame. Stick an accent aigu on it and call it a day. It's brilliant. Tyra yells out things like, "A hump on the back!" and "Beautiful spirit but nobody knows!" and "Bong! Bong! Bong!" Marjorie's back is a bit too hunched, and she's losing her neck. In her final ten frames, however, her hump is fiercer and fiercer. It's like the Hunchback himself is working the runway for Zac Posen. Tyra loves it. She says that Marjorie played into her weaknesses - her awkwardness and nerves - and wrapped it with a hunchy bow and made it beautiful.

Tyra reveals to the girls that this was a challenge, and that the winner and a friend will win some diamonds. I love how Tyra doesn't even bother to learn the names of her sponsors anymore. She gets down to business and announces Marjorie to be the winner. Marjorie picks Analeigh to share her prize, and Lauren Brie snarks that the two of them are like "the little couple of the house." But not with any action or I'm assuming we would have seen it. Tyra bids the girls adieu, and Marjorie and Analeigh head to Rafinity to pick out some jewels. Ann Mangini, the owner of Rafinity -- who should be glad she grew up before the term "mangina" was invented -- welcomes Marjorie and Analeigh and says that they each get to pick out one piece of gold and diamond jewelry. But not the $200,000 piece. Analeigh picks a big diamond peace sign to replace the big nickel peace sign she got from Claire's. Marjorie, always true to type, picks a diamond square. Too bad there wasn't a little diamond frowny face.

Back at home, there is Tyra Mail. "You better bring it, or you're never going to work in this town again. Love, Tyra." If they're lucky they'll never work in L.A. again. Sam reminds us that she was called first last week, and says that Tyra expects a lot of her, and so she can't let Tyra down. I love how she thinks that Tyra gives a rat. The girls head to the Orpheum theater, where the marquee reads, "Night at the Fiercees." Sheena tells us that the theater is the most incredible place she's ever seen, and that whatever they're about to do is going to be off the hizzle. When she Snoop-speaks, it's as if she's doing a cultural dance...of words. The girls sit in the audience, and an announcer introduces Jay Manuel. The curtain on the stage opens to reveal Jay, wearing an ascot. He tells the girls that the theater will serve as the backdrop for today's photo shoot. Mike Rosenthal will be the photographer, and some of the girls will get to pose with hot male models. Jay reminds us all that Tyra created "The Fiercee Awards," which aired on her talk show. Of course she did. He adds that any awards show has unscripted moments - some of them you see, and some you don't. So each girl will have an embarrassing moment to act out. Haven't they been acting out their embarrassing moment for six weeks now?

Marjorie is up first. She is wearing a turban. Do I need to tell you any more? She is nervous that her acting skills aren't top notch. When in doubt, accentuate the turban. Marjorie is posing as a star who has to pee but can't get out of her dress. Or, rather, a hunchback in a turban who has to pee but can't get out of her dress. As it happens, Marjorie is rather brilliant. Jay gives all the credit to Tyra, as he is contractually obligated to do. Samantha is next. She is posing as a starlet who is trying to read cue cards, but a bright light is shining in her eyes. Sam tries on all sorts of strange vaguely European accents. She starts off rough, but eventually gives a couple of good shots. Elina is assigned the role of an overemotional actress who can't stop crying. She is of course terrified that she might have to show an emotion other than mother-hating. Jay notes that Elina has one fake tear rolling down her face, but today he wants real tears. If she starts I'm kind of afraid that she'll flood the theater. Elina interviews that she needs to lose control, and as such this might be her last shoot. Commercials.

Oh, and it's Whitney's My Life As A Cover Girl. An average day for Whitney involves...wait, trick question! Now that she's a cover girl, there are no average days. Blah blah Outlast blah.

When we return, Jay asks Elina to let go. He would hate for the judges to say that Elina is beautiful and takes great pictures but is consistently controlled. Well, they've been saying it from day one so deal. Therapist Jay tells Elina that everyone has insecurities, and at the base level it usually comes down to, "Are we good enough?" Wow, what a different take on the concept. Elina interviews that she hates showing insecurities, and hates crying in front of people. Elina begins posing, and Jay tells her that he wants to see her look like she thinks she's not good enough. He asks where she feels she's not good enough. As Mike shoots, Elina says that she doesn't trust herself. Jay asks, "In whose eyes are you afraid of disappointing? Yourself or someone else?" That's the kind of suspect command of the language that leads you to become the Republican nominee for vice president. J. / Jay in 2012! We cut to a teary Elina interviewing that she's tired of not letting it out. She knows this is something she has to get through to be successful. Jay tells Elina that she looks the best she has in the whole competition. She's learned to let go, which she says is the most important thing. I'm sure when she gets home her mom is going to beat her with some wire hangers for this display.

Lauren Brie is next as the starlet who trips en route to getting her award. Make that tripping in a way that also looks like she's surfing. Lauren Brie tells us that things are getting more difficult as the concepts of the shoots are getting harder to grasp. Mike tells Lauren Brie that she looks forced and like she's posing, and he wants it to appear more natural. Jay tells us that Lauren Brie looked beautiful, but also like a mannequin falling down, minus an errant hand flying off. McKey is next as the actress who thinks she's going to get the award but doesn't. She gets to pose with a hot male model, and seems to do okay. Sheena is up as a star whose dress is stepped on by a starlet, played by Marjorie. Sheena takes great enjoyment in squeezing Marjorie's padded boobs. Sheena knows that if she wore padding it would be over. Jay asks Sheena to bring her signature cultural dance to the shoot, but instead she just glares at Marjorie. Jay says that she reeled it in way too much, and it was neither pretty or believable.

We then have Joslyn as the starlet who discovers that another starlet, played by Lauren Brie, is wearing the same gown. She wants to work with her profile more, and Jay suggests that she gives a three-quarter profile. Her posing instantly becomes more fashion-y. Next is Analeigh, as the interviewer with attitude. She's a bit stressed out because she still hasn't figured out her signature pose. However, she's realized that she needs to stop doubting her abilities. If she brings it and commits, she says, she can do it. Analeigh starts off too sweet, but eventually gets to the point where Michael tells her that she does bitchy really well. Analeigh tells us that she's improving, and is encouraged by her good performance on the shoot. And that's a wrap!

Back at the house, there is Tyra Mail. Someone is getting the boot. Sheena interviews that she's always nervous at panel. No matter how well you do, one shot can either make you or send you home. Sam works on a Rubik's Cube. Seriously. Analeigh confessionalizes that she's still not safe because she hasn't wowed the judges yet. Lauren Brie is also nervous, and notes that the competition is getting harder and harder. You never know what's going to happen, she says. Yeah, unless you're familiar with a little something called the "loser's edit." Sorry, L.B. Commercials.

We enter panel by seeing bits of Tyra's photo shoot. Her embarrassing moment is apparently feather dusting before she accepts her Fiercee. Yeah, I don't know either. And then, holy camole! Tyra is wearing some sort of hooded getup at panel. She looks like a human clitoris. Wearing fingerless gloves! Curiouser and curiouser. Tyra explains that to go along with the whole Fiercees theme she decided to be Little Black Riding Hood. The girls all sort of laugh nervously and hope they make it out of panel alive.

McKey is up first. Paulina thinks that her photo is beautiful, and Nigel adds that she doesn't look okay - she looks like she's falling apart. This is good in context, though, since she thought she was going to win the Fiercee but lost to someone who was apparently fiercer. Nigel adds that this is the most beautiful photo he's seen of McKey. Paulina is happy to see McKey coming out more and more, because she thinks McKey is so full of potential. Tyra, however, says that the photo would be more interesting if we saw a person fighting inside - like, say, a boxer - and trying to cover the emotion. Because everyone who loses at an award show - Tyra being among them apparently for her 12-time nominee status for an Insufferable Award - has a quivery smile.

Sheena is next and Tyra compliments her on not looking like a whore. Sheena's photo gets mixed reviews. Nigel tells her not to look all the way to one side with her eyes, because she looks like a white-eyed alien slash possessed. Tyra explains that this is what's called a "cheat" in modeling. Paulina adds that Sheena's body in her photo is good but not mind blowing. She could have done a little more cultural dancing, in other words. Analeigh's reporter with an attitude is next. Mike was impressed with what she did with the character, and Tyra notes that Analeigh is exasperated in her photo but still modeling and working the concave back. It's good news for Analeigh all around. Then we have Samantha. Miss J. is not too excited about Samantha being blinded by the light. Paulina thinks she looks like she's sad or might cry or might sneeze. She doesn't really get what the photo is trying to tell her. Nigel tells her, however, that it's a good shot and a good emotion and that she's doing well overall.

Joslyn is next. Tyra says that this is the prettiest shot she's seen of Joslyn in the whole competition. Tyra mentions that they discovered Joslyn's strong profile during the week's challenge. Joslyn says that this makes her feel good, because she's always been insecure about her nose. She does have a little bit of a honker. Oh, and apparently she just heard my mean remark because she starts to cry. She's always considered her nose to be very big. Tyra tells Joslyn that every model has some part that's ugly. However, you have to learn to pose to make even the ugly parts work. Marjorie is up next, and Tyra reminds us that she was the challenge winner for the week with her bad-ass hunchback self. The judges all ooh and aaah and wow when they see Marjorie's photo. Nigel tells her that she gets herself into the most extraordinary positions, and looks incredible. Mike says that he likes that even in such an extreme pose Marjorie managed to keep her mouth relaxed. Tyra of course takes all the credit for any fierce hunching that Marjorie did in her shoot. Overall, it's a great critique.

Next we have Lauren Brie. Her tripping photo is not believable, says Nigel, and it looks like she's floating. Tyra tells Lauren Brie that she doesn't let go enough. There's some worry on her face in the shoot, but it doesn't read in the wide shot. She needs to ugly it up a little more. Paulina tells Lauren Brie that she should be doing better week by week and not sliding backwards. Finally we have Elina. Paulina tells Elina that the camera loves her, but there's nothing about her shot that says "overemotional." Tyra notes that in her film it looked like Elina was really crying at one point. Elina jumps in to get her emotional breakthrough points and says that she was crying a lot. However, it wasn't conveying with the camera. There were real tears, but controlled real tears. Elina chooses this moment to go for bonus crying at panel points, with yet more controlled real tears. Elina says that she let go in her shoot, and if that's not enough she doesn't know what to do. Nigel notes that she gives off a very steely vibe. That being said, the modeling industry is about displaying emotion. Unless you display too much emotion. You know, it all changes from week to week. Tyra invokes Halle Berry's Oscar speech, which was a hot emotional mess, yet fierce.

And then it's time for Top Models in Action! Remember Dani, who won the whole show in Cycle 6? She's now in New York City posing and working the runway. She has a couple of campaigns, and looks pretty great. Yay!

The judges deliberate. Paulina says that Sheena has gorgeous legs, but doesn't have the makings of a model. Nigel adds that Sheena has really gone downhill for him. Tyra, however, likes the fact that Sheena didn't look like such a hooch at panel. Paulina is happy to see McKey's potential coming out more and more. Mike says that the shot turned out great, but it was like pulling teeth. Paulina says that at the beginning she didn't think Analeigh had the makings of a model, but for the second week in a row she's being proven wrong. Nigel agrees that Analeigh is doing a great job, and says that her photo is far from amateur. Nigel really likes Samantha's picture, even though it's not really conveying what it's supposed to. Tyra wonders if Nigel really likes is the photography. Paulina agrees that Mike did a great job, but Sam was mediocre. Joslyn looks the most beautiful she's looked so far, says Nigel, and agrees that her profile is stunning. Miss J. talks about himself for a minute, for no reason at all. Marjorie was Mike's favorite for the day. Tyra j'adores how Marjorie is making un pee-pee. Elina has an exquisite face, but she did not do a good job in her photo. She needs to let go of the control without feeling like she's humiliating herself. Nigel is not sold by the picture, and Tyra says that human moments are the most beautiful of all. Lauren Brie has a strong face that photographs well. However, her photo this week sucks. Nigel wonders if doing so well early on was a detriment, and now she's just coasting. Mike says that Lauren Brie is pretty in person, but was as stiff as a mannequin. And with that, the judges have reached their decision.

The girls return. There are eight girls, and seven photos. And the first name that Tyra is going to call is...Marjorie. Marjorie is awkwardly thrilled. Marjorie's girlfriend Hannah is called next, followed by McKey, Samantha, Elina, and Joslyn. This leaves Sheena and Lauren Brie in the bottom two. Tyra tells them that they're polar opposites. Lauren Brie is gorgeous, interesting, odd, alienesque and high fashion. She has the type of face that doesn't come along all that often in the fashion industry. But what she's lacking is personality. Sheena, on the other hand, has personality to spare. She shines and inspires people. She's pretty, but not necessarily modelesque, and maybe too sexy for some of the judges. And you all have been watching this show for a long time, and know that personality always trumps model looks. Sheena gets the photo. Tyra tells her to find the balance between going too crazy and being flat. Lauren Brie hugs Tyra, and Tyra asks her why she thinks she's going home. Lauren Brie says it's because the judges can't see her personality. Lauren Brie thinks this is unfortunate for the judges because she is, in fact, a great person and has tons of friends. Tyra explains that being in the public eye is about more than relating to your equally boring friends. Lauren Brie can't wait to get the fuck out of the room. In her exit interview she says that it sucks when someone takes a shot at your personality. She once again emphasizes that her friends at home know she's a great person with a fun, great personality. She's just not as outgoing as some of her fellow contestants. Lauren Brie admits that maybe the drive isn't there anymore. The competition is stressful, and she kind of gave up. For her own sake, I'm really glad she didn't admit that to Tyra.

Coming up: Commercials! And fights!

Learn how to smile with your eyes by consulting our ANTM Fiercest Moments gallery.

Previously on ANTM: Makeovers! There was, as Rob Base predicted, joy and pain, sunshine and rain. You know who doesn't like rain? Elina, because her big curly McDonald fro will frizz to the sixth floor. Isis and Hannah had some hard times during a swimwear photo shoot due to package worries and crazy eyes, respectively. But it was Brittany who got the boot back to Vegas. Eh, at least she can see Cher at Caesar's as many times as she wants. Eleven bitches remain!

We begin with the girls entering their house at night. They see Elina's first place photo on the plasma screen, and she is happy. Analeigh shares with Marjorie and Hannah that she's afraid she's going to wind up in the bottom two again. It's a terrifying experience, she tells us, and even though she tried to hide her tears a few escaped. While this makes me feel a little bad for Analeigh, Hannah has no sympathy. She busts out with, "I feel like you guys are always wallowing. I am so over the pity party." Yeah, I mean God. It's not like they got practically gang raped or anything. Marjorie tells Hannah that she's being insensitive. And really, you are in this house either to bitch at people or listen to other people bitch. Just deal with it. Hannah confessionalizes that Analeigh and Marjorie get so wrapped up in the negatives that they can't remember the positives. She looks and sounds so much like a big annoying buck-toothed cartoon character right now, I can't even tell you. She continues by saying, "I don't understand pity parties. You pick up your beans and you keep on rolling." She even has her own catch phrase! About beans, beans the musical fruit, no less.

Tyra Mail! "Tomorrow your model dreams could end up in the gutter! Love, Tyra." Analeigh is apparently a genius, and deduces that they'll be doing runway walks in the bowling alley. This comes to pass the next day, when the girls meet Miss J. at a bowling alley called Lucky Strike. Miss J. relives his pre-Tyra days by disinfecting shoes behind the counter. These shoes, however, are fierce bowling heels. Hannah is amazed, as they don't have stiletto bowling shoes in Alaska. Miss J. tells the girls that runway is about precision, because models walk on every surface possible. Today, of course, they'll be sliding and gliding in lane number four. Does this whole thing make you want to go to rock n' bowl or what? My local lanes have karaoke in the bowling bar on rock n' bowl night. You know you're moving to Cranston, Rhode Island, bitches.

Isis walks first. She tells us that runway is the one thing she's totally confident with, and that she's been looking forward to this day for so long. She slips almost immediately but manages not to fall. Miss J. says that Isis walks a bit like she's on ice. He then tries to make an Ice-is pun, but it really doesn't make any sense. Quelle surprise. Analeigh is next, and J. yells for speed and energy. Analeigh gives him neither, and J. tells us he's not sure that Analeigh can be a top model if she can't follow directions. Marjorie is next. She is about as awkward as you'd expect. But not as awkward as Hannah! Hannah looks like she's trying to keep those beans she's so fond of referencing from dropping out of her ass. Miss J. turns to the other girls and says, "Help her when you get home." He says that she walked almost slightly crazy, then delights himself by doing an impression of her. Hannah knows that a model must have a good walk, which means she also knows that she's probably screwed. McKey is wearing a green velvet cape-dress like she just came from the Renaissance Faire. The hell? Miss J. yells at Sheena to shake it but not break it because they boys won't take it. Jocelyn gives good energy, Miss J. says, and he doesn't even mind that she gives a "little extra." If a girl gives extra, he says, you can pull her back just a bit. Samantha is wicked bow-legged, and Jay can in fact bowl between her gams. Sam is ready to make bow legs her trademark. Elina's control-freakishness extends to her walk, and J. tells her that she needs to let go.

Back at the house, some of the girls try to give Hannah runway tips. To her credit, she really seems to be practicing. Isis says that Hannah has potential, but at this point she really needs a lot of runway training. Then there's more Tyra Mail! "You think you have this competition in the bank? You may be walking right out of it. Love, Tyra." The girls know that some runway lies ahead.

Clark and Lauren Brie lounge on the couch and talk shit about people. As you do. Well, they talk some nice about people, too, but it's all in the shit-talking context, and you know that they despise every complimentary word they're forced to say about someone. Lauren Brie starts by saying that McKey has the most Cover Girl face. Clark seems to agree. Lauren Brie adds that Elina also has an amazing face. Clark covets Elina's eyebrows. And then Lauren Brie gets a very hushed tone as she notes that Isis hasn't been doing very well. Clark notes in an even more hushed tone that in the real world of modeling she doesn't see Isis being booked because of her manly body. This includes her man-hands and man-feet and man-waist. Lipless McJawbone has little room to talk. And yet, she continues to talk. Clark interviews that it's about time for Isis to go home, and that modeling just isn't for her. She adds in conversation with Lauren Brie that most supermodels aren't 5'7". Clark, don't make me quiz you on the meaning of the Pigford Doctrine.

Meanwhile, Isis has some friends of her own and is talking to them. She says she finds that a lot of women are intimidated by her. McKey notes that this is probably because Isis does "girl" better than most girls and everybody laughs. McKey continues that she doesn't think about whether she believes what Isis is doing is right or wrong, because it's not her choice to make. She interviews that Isis is always going to have people talking about her, and just has to stay strong. Isis says that people can think what they want, but when she's on the runway they can't tell her nothing. She's here for the long run, she says, and someone - McKey, I guess - says, "You're one of us, Isis." I don't know that I'd take that particularly as a compliment, but Isis seems to enjoy it nonetheless. Commercials.

When we return, the girls are practicing runway all over the house in preparation for what they assume is a runway challenge. Analeigh tells us that at this point it's vital that she start making her way up. The girls head to what appears to be a bank building, where they meet Miss J. He confirms that they will indeed have a runway challenge, and that they'll be wearing the clothing of a very talented designer, who also happens to be one of Miss J.'s closest and dearest friends. Please don't tell us it's Tyra in disguise. But nay, it's Jeremy Scott, who rocks the house in a top hat and track suit. He tells the girls that they'll be walking in the vintage bank because his collection is inspired by opulence and wealth. Ah, so that explains the top hat. Except not really. In any case, the girls are also going to portray cat burglars. It's like The Great Muppet Caper! But will Hannah really be able to get the baseball diamond to Nicky Holiday successfully? I do look forward to the moment when Tyra comes crashing through the window on a motorcycle. A free night at the Happiness Hotel for everybody!

The girls get their hair, makeup and wardrobe done. McKey has to wear a red velvet toga with a curtain rod attached to it. Jeremy Scott asks her how she feels and she says, "Amazing." She looks like the Ghost of Christmas Present, which I guess could be considered amazing in some sense. Samantha practices her walk in the hallway and pulls her short dress up in a manner that she seems to consider sexy. Jeremy says to her, "You're raising your dress. Do not model like that." Except we don't see his lips move, so he may or may not have said it to her directly.

As the girls are getting ready, Miss J. calls them together to tell them that there's a twist to the challenge: they'll be blindfolded. Everyone is shocked and Hannah, who just learned to walk yesterday, can't believe the gosh-heck-darn that this is happening. Miss J. then announces that Jay Manuel and Ann Shoket, the editor-in-chief of Seventeen, will be the judges for the challenge. You know that the only reason that Seventeen still agrees to be part of this madness is because Ann Shoket loves to see herself on TV. Ann tells the girls that the challenge winner will get to shoot a Seventeen advertorial for Kira Plastinina, and will get to bring along two friends to boot. Sheena interviews that Kira Plastinina is a 15-year-old designer from Moscow. She sees Kira's success as evidence that you can do anything you want at any age if you have the right determination. Unless you are a 25 year old who wants to be America's Next Top Model. Sorry, old hags!

And then, the other stiletto drops. Jay tells the girls that it's time to get serious and ramp up the competition. Thus, the girls will have to walk tonight like it's their last runway show. Because, indeed, it will be one girl's last challenge. No photo shoot, no panel. That unlucky bitch is going home tonight. Super secret surprise mid-episode elimination! I mean, it's a little shady, but that's why we watch, right? Sam tells us that she's freaking out. The girls get outfitted in their blindfolds, and McKey tells us that you can, in fact, see a little bit with them on. Rats! I was hoping that someone would fall right in Ann Shoket's lap, or at least chip a tooth.

The show begins with a hunky male cat burglar descending from a balcony and opening the bank vault. There actually appears to be an audience for this show, which is both surprising and exciting. Elina emerges first and walks the plank/runway. She seems to do a pretty good job, and interviews that walking on the runway is one of the best natural highs you can get - even if you suck, you feel so cool. Analeigh is next in a truly hideous French-maid-slash-pioneer-schoolmarm dress. Analeigh, despite the blindfold, was smiling with her friggin' eyes and had all the confidence in the world, she tells us. Then there's Samantha. She bowlegs down the runway. And then! In slow motion! We see her lift her dress up, exactly as Jeremy allegedly told her not to do. The Jays and Ann cover their faces in shame. Backstage, Jeremy says that he told Samantha fifteen times not to do that. In Samantha's defense, she's wearing black leggings, and that thing is a shirt.

Sheena is next, and works it like you knew she would. Clark walks and Jay snarks, "Is the military in town?" I think Lauren Brie looks a little weird, but we hear no commentary about her so I guess she's fine. Marjorie has a really tight dress on, but still manages to broken-down-doll it. The Jays laugh at her, so I don't know if that's good or bad. Joslyn is conscious of not being too dramatic - she says her game plan was to walk straight, do some cute poses and go back. She actually does look pretty fierce. Hannah is a fucking nightmare. She walks like a robot with bombs for testicles. She blames it on nerves, and says she forgot everything she might have picked up on. Isis is next, and tells us that runway is her thing and the crowd went crazy when she walked. She thinks she has this competition in the bag. McKey does as well as one can do while wearing a curtain rod. And with that, the show is complete!

And now for the moment of truth slash doom. Miss J. tells them that overall they did pretty damn good. Analeigh was fantastical and fabulous. Jay says that this was the first time he saw the girl from casting step out in front of him. And with Bride of Frankenstein pioneer schoolmarm hair, no less! Samantha's arms were going like a windmill, and then the dress rode up, and it was oh no's all around. The crowd loved Joslyn's energy, says Jay, and Ann Shoket calls Joslyn, who is wearing a dress with foxes on it, a foxy lady. That's the kind of linguistic innovation you'd expect from the editor-in-chief of Seventeen. Hannah looked a bit nervous. She admits that she kept feeling like she was falling off the runway, and Ann points out that she looked scared. It was bad. Ann announces the challenge winner. It's Joslyn! Oh, good for her. She really has grown on me. She lets out a "Thank you, Jesus!" and tells us that her adrenaline is pumping.

And now for the bad news. Well, let's wait and determine if we really feel that what's about to happen is bad or good, shall we? Jay is going to eliminate someone right now, bitches, for real for real. He and Miss J. talked it over. And they determined...that Hannah gets the boot! I mean, not that I'm secretly thrilling inside or anything. Hannah whines, "I'm really sad right now!" Oh, is that a pity party I hear? Methinks Hannah has some beans to collect. Hannah is worried that she disappointed her family, though she knows that they're so proud of her already. Well, they can't watch the show in Town Without Electricity, Alaska. She should just tell them that she won. She tells us that she's learned a lot about herself - primarily that she's racist - and a lot about other people - primarily that they all think she's racist. She tried her hardest, she says, and that's all you can do. And then she's gone. Seriously. No more fanfare than that. Don't you secretly think that Tyra just started watching some footage and put her two brain cells together to come up with a way to get this bitch out?

And there's not even a commercial after Hannah is eliminated! Burn. Instead we see Joslyn, Sheena and Isis head off to meet Kira Plastinina and do their advertorial shoot. Kira is adorable and, in case you didn't hear it the first time, fifteen years old, and makes me feel like I've accomplished nothing in my life. The shoot seems to go pretty well. Yay, Joslyn!

Back at home, there is yet more Tyra Mail: "This competition is deep. Some will rise above, and some will go under. Love, Tyra." Sheena deduces that this is a photo shoot, and it's going to be fierce. Marjorie and Analeigh talk. Marjorie says that Hannah really improved but was the obvious choice to go home. Analeigh can't even suspend her pity party for a moment in honor of her former comrade, and says that while she used to be excited about the photo shoots, now she's just nervous. She's the only one who's not doing well, she says. The girls with similarly bad critiques are now all gone. She knows she has to improve and bring back the girl the judges saw in casting. The first step is getting her confidence back. Marjorie tells Analeigh that she can't go home as we head to commercials.

And then it's Whitney's "My Life As a Cover Girl" ad. In case you were wondering, New York is a place to be seen, to be found, and to take in. Whitney is getting to know the city, which conveniently appears to have about three residents as she's biking through it. She says there's nothing better than being the next big thing. How would she know?

The next morning, Jay Manuel - fully decked out in porn gym shorts and a wife-beater - surprises the girls at their house with a wake-up call. Turns out they're having a photo shoot at their house! Elina thinks this is great news, because it's comforting to have the shoot on their own turf. I don't know. With all the bad vibes these bitches throw, I feel like a production assistant should be waving a smudge stick around on the hour. Jay calls the girls out to the pool, of which he is now the lifeguard, and asks how many times at panel Tyra asks them to smile with their eyes. If any of these girls knew the infinity symbol, they'd be making it right now. He tells the girls that they'll be shot from the nose up, in the water! Isis is nervous, because she's never really done the "pool thing" with a bikini on. However, she tells us that she's not going to let this water shoot make her lose her personality again. I say that you just let that thing flop around if it must and leave it to the retouchers to take care of.

Jay introduces the photographer for the shoot, whom he says cares more about their eyes than any other part of their body. And the photographer is Nigel, making Jay's last statement patently untrue. Analeigh tells us that Nigel is sexy in a wetsuit. Despite myself, I have to admit that he kind of is. Nigel tells the girls that there is nothing more important than their eyes, which are also the windows to their soul. They are sometimes blue and crying in the rain. Sometimes they're private and watching you. Sometimes they're of the tiger, rising up to the challenge of a rival. He tells them they can express any emotion with their eyes, but the one non-negotiable is that they have to bring it. Nigel then says, "Are you ready to get wet?" Yeah.

The girls go into hair and makeup. They're getting crazy fierce eye makeup, the better with which to provide a transparent view into their souls. McKey is first in the pool. She seems to be wearing only some nude undergarments, so I guess the idea is that they're supposed to look like they're naked under the water. McKey is nervous, as she only has two looks with her eyes: the squint, and the wide open. There's also the "twitching thing," but she wisely chooses not to use that option. To be fair to McKey, she seems to have dental floss hanging over one eye, which must be distracting. Upon her last frame, Jay just says, "Hmm." That's not good!

Next up is Joslyn. She looks really awkward, and Nigel has to ask her a couple of times if she's okay. Jay notes that it almost looks like she's drowning. Nigel confirms with Joslyn that she can't swim. He says he knew from the get-go that she couldn't swim. A model doesn't have to be able to do everything, he tells us, but it's worth making the photographer and crew aware when you can't do something. Joslyn sputters and coughs in agreement. Next is Clark, who does surprisingly well. At one point Nigel says to her seductively, "What are you thinking right now?" Clark says she's thinking that she's lying on a bed. Jeebus. Jay tells us that Clark made it come alive with her body language and her eyes. He adds that what she was doing was straight-up flirting with Nigel. You know Clark likes them bald and pervy, to remind her of grandpappy.

Marjorie is next, and Jay tells her to use her body. She does her usual broken-down hunchback thing, and Jay loves it. He says that she almost looks like a sea mammal coming out of the water, and means it as a compliment. He tells her that she's genius. Marjorie stays strong for yet another week! She's really rocking it. Isis is next, and reminds us that until she has her gender reassignment surgery, she has to take care of some extra things that the other girls don't have to worry about. For instance, she has three pairs of undergarments on, just in case the wang tape starts to peel off. Poor Isis. I do see how this might be distressing. She's very nervous, and it affects her shoot. Jay tells her that she's looking sleepy, then interviews that her nervousness can definitely translate to the photographer. To top it off, she has a droopy Cyclops eye. The hormone shots are not going to help that, unfortunately.

Analeigh is up next. She tells us that this is an extremely important shoot for her, and she either has to kill it or go home. And she kills it! Jay exclaims, "Finally, the model comes to life!" She finally stepped up her game, he says, adding that sometimes it pays to be in the bottom two because you wake right up. Analeigh tells us, "I'm high on life right now, yo." Was she secretly raised by DJ Jazzy Jeff or something? Then we have Sheena, who says that she's ready to go to war. And she kills it too. Jay tells her that what she's doing is so pretty, and Nigel points out that Sheena is so good that he's silent. And she doesn't look like a hooch! Well, her body with the exception of one leg is all underwater, so that probably helps to tone the hooch down.

Lauren Brie is next and manages to get her legs up in some crazy places. She's like a synchronized swimmer! In his pervy way, Nigel compliments her on her nimbleness. Lauren Brie then does some cool stuff with her arms. She basically kills it once again. Elina is up next, with what looks like lobster tentacles coming from her eyes. After several shots, Nigel asks her to surprise him with something different, because her shots are all looking the same. Elina says that she's stuck, and Jay gives her the innovative advice to think outside the box a bit. Cliché and unhelpful is totally his thing. Nigel interviews that Elina admitted she got stuck, which is okay, but still she gave them nothing. At the end of her shoot, Nigel tells her that she shouldn't have to be guided with what to do with her fingers and that sort of thing. If I had a nickel for every time he's said that to a 19-year-old.

Samantha is next, with a leafy crown on her head. After a few shots, Jay asks her what thing she can do with her body that's really unique. She starts doing some more physical poses, and Jay likes how animalistic she is. He interviews that she brought something very new to the table. She made it work, which is especially impressive as she managed to be unique while also being the last girl to shoot. And with that, it's a wrap!

Back at home, there is Tyra Mail! A bitch is going home. Make that another bitch. I totally forgot that Hannah was ever even a part of this show! The girls all gleefully bid goodbye to Elina's plasma screen photo, and she looks kind of peeved about it. Elina shares with Sheena that she didn't do well in her photo shoot. She's upset about that, because she likes to be able to perform without help. She hates asking for help - surprise, surprise - and so it really got to her. Elina interviews that this was her worst photo shoot, and so she's very nervous. Sheena tells her that she still could have gotten a good shot, particularly given her lovely face and eyes. Elina does not seem convinced.

Meanwhile, Isis is on the phone with her godfather, Tremaine. She tells him that things are getting really, really hard, and she's not translating to pictures. Tremain tells Isis that she's the person who can set herself up for failure, and also the person who can make herself accomplishments. Linguistically that last part was a little awkward, but let's just go with the spirit of the sentiment. It's not what she is, he says, it's who she is. It's not what they think she is, it's who she knows she is inside. What I believe he's saying is that she should rise above the tranny slot that 19 Productions has carved out for her and be the fully awesome human being that she is inside. I imagine that being typecast as the transgender person, or the lesbian, or the ghetto girl, or the plus-size model, or the girl who is legally blind or won't stop crying about her weave can really get to you at some point. Isis seems to be heartened by his advice. She interviews that she's still nervous about going home this week, but she gave her all, so whatever's going to happen will happen. Tremaine tells Isis to make the judges understand why she's the goddess that she is. And unless she believes it, he says, they're not gonna see shit. I totally want Tremaine to be my life coach! With this, we head to commercials.

We enter panel with video footage of Tyra's version of the week's shoot. It involves her drinking water from a glass while fully clothed. But her eyes are saying, "I'm practically naked in a pool!" Tyra acknowledges the surprise elimination, which leaves ten girls in front of her now. It just goes to show, she says, that you think you know Top Model, but you have no idea. Girl, I have been recapping this shit for nine seasons. I have an idea. There are prizes, there are judges. Jeremy Scott is the guest judge for the week. Joy. He seems like a Class A d-bag. With a mullet and very tiny bangs. Maybe that's why he was wearing the top hat before.

Oh, but wait. Before we get to panel, we have to have a story from Grandma Tyra. Apparently the idea for this photo shoot came when Tyra and her friend Robin went to Mexico for vacation. They took all these "crazy fun pictures," because they love to model all the time, and then they took some more crazy fun shots with their lips and noses under the water. And Tyra looked at Robin and said, "Robin, I'm going to do this for a photo shoot for America's Next Top Model." I guess you never know at which retarded moment of your life inspiration will strike. And P.S., Tyra is still prettier than you.

Sheena is up first for evaluation. Her photo is intense and fierce. Nigel says that she was great to shoot, and Tyra compliments her on really going for it. Next up is Joslyn. Tyra tells her that she has too much white under her eye in her photo. She needs to squint and smile with her eyes. Nigel tells Joslyn that she can't swim, and looked like she was drowning. Paulina agrees that she looked terrified. Marjorie is next. I think she looks cool and a lot like Annie Lennox, but Paulina says that personally, this shot would give her nightmares. Maybe Paulina has a deep-rooted fear of sea mammals? Nigel says that it's not always about being pretty, but about pushing it to another level. Tyra says that high fashion is about making people have a reaction, and she thinks it's a beautiful picture.

Next is Lauren Brie. Paulina busts out with an, "Oh yeah, baby." Tyra loves the mystery and devilishness in Lauren Brie's eyes. It gets raves all around. Then there's Isis. Paulina tells her that her arm draws more attention to the picture than her eyes, which is not good. Nigel says that Isis got so wrapped up with her swimsuit and "various other elements" that she was just bobbing in the water. Isis confesses that she was worried about what might come off or pop out. Nigel tells her that she made too much of a big deal about it, and it hampered her performance.

Next is Clark. Nigel tells her that she was great, and the only one who smiled not just with her eyes, but with her whole body. Tyra loves the photo too. Then we have McKey. Tyra thinks the photo is great, and very intense. Paulina would have liked the shot more if it weren't for McKey's big old hand coming out of the water. Nigel says that a hand can work, but doesn't work in this instance because it looks like a club. Jeremy, who only cares about things having to do with himself, notes that McKey had the most difficult outfit at the runway show and pulled it off with great charm.

Then there's Elina. Nigel says that he expected so much out of Elina, but she just got stuck in the water. Tyra asks why she got so stuck. Elina says that she's never posed in water, and it came as a shock. Tyra tells Elina that because she has such heavily hooded eyes, she shouldn't tilt her head down. She loses her eyes because the meat falls on top of her eyes. That particular imagery makes me want to barf. Thanks, Tyra. We then have Analeigh, whose photo makes good use of her legs. Nigel loves it, and says that she took advantage of her skater talents and combined it with her great eyes and great legs. Paulina says that her eyes in particular aren't to die for, but the whole shot is.

Samantha is last up. Tyra tells Samantha that she has a gift of her hands. There's no model working now or recently who does the things that she does with her hands. Jeremy loves the photo, and in fact thinks it's one of the best, however she did the worst in the runway show. She was touching her body and raising her dress, which made Jeremy seethe. He notes that perhaps with the blindfold on she thought there was a pole at the end of the runway. He only wishes that strippers would wear his ugly ass clothes. He really lays into Samantha, saying that she was representing him as a designer, and that it's not her show and she's not a rock star. Tyra is happy that Jeremy is being so passionate, because it makes the models understand that they are modeling for a designer, and the designer's reputation is on the line. This is a business first, she says. Samantha looks like she kind of wants to cry, but doesn't. Good for her.

And then it's time for Top Models in Action! Remember ? After spending two months overseas, Chantal now resides in L.A. and is signed with Nous model management. Apparently she has been working nonstop. For example, she just posed for a KMS national hair campaign. You know that this "Top Models in Action" spot seemed like a good idea until the producers realized that after Toccara and Shannon things get pretty bleak.

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