Paragraph 2: This "Julia" is indeed Alexis, superbad attorney and bastard daughter of the Cassadine world-freezing dynasty. She's also the show's number-one favorite punching bag, which might explain why she's looking so rough.

Paragraph 4: Jason finally getting a damn haircut was the subject of an urgent, celebratory phone call from my sister. That hair ruined so many lives.

Paragraph 12: The small child/bad actress would be Christina, Alexis's daughter with Sonny, but because of Alexis's utterly ill-advised marriage to Rick, he's got visiting rights or some such nonsense, despite the fact that Rick slept with Alexis's other daughter (Kelly Monaco). Like I said: punching bag. Rick is also Sonny's half-brother, a lawyer, and a semi-criminal operator. And a douuuuuuchebag.

Paragraph 15: It's probably because Maxie is my favorite character on this seriously dumb show, but Felicia totally deserves it. She abandoned her kids for years, never visited, and then it turns out she lied about having to be away to care for her sick Aztec princess grandmother (that was the storyline, right? Back in the '80s when you could be expected to believe that this blue-eyed blonde was part-Native American?) and was really cavorting around the globe with Maxie and Georgie's equally deadbeat dad? Played by Jack Wagner, her real-life husband? Who, after they divorced, moved on to Heather Locklear? Bitch on, Maxie.

Paragraph 16: Don't believe that's Kin Shriner's real-life kid, but on the show, that's indeed Scotty's son. "Logan." Which, because you all watch TV, you know automatically means that he's a brooding, shady antihero who is totally wrong for the blonde ingenue, but she falls for him anyway.

Paragraph 17: Ah, "that lady who used to be on many other soaps." Robin Christopher. Just as gorgeous today as she's ever been. You may remember her as the second (better) Lorna Devon from the late, lamented Another World. You may also remember her as...well, more on that in a minute.

Paragraph 20: I'm sure opinions are mixed, but in the battle of Kelly Monaco ("Sam") versus Liz: Team Sam, right here. Liz was awesome when she was the bitchy, kind of trampy (but in a safe way) younger sister to...that blonde girl who was her sister and then went away (great, now I need some footnotes). But over the years, as happens on these shows, Liz became boring, then sainted, then judgy. Sam's kind of a moron, kind of a bitch, and kind of a ho, but...I'm cool with that.

Paragraph 21: "Red-headed stepchild" = Michael. Who is Carly's son by A.J. (deceased), who she first lied and said was Jason's back when everybody thought he was Tony's (also deceased). Then Sonny legally adopted him when he married Carly. That was, like, three Carlys ago. Michael is also the most completely annoying child on all of television and I defy anyone to watch a week's worth of GH and not want to shove his face into kitty litter.

Paragraph 23: "Morgan" is indeed the other Little Carly. This time he really is Sonny's bio kid. And adorable, unlike his hateful brother. And Sonny and Jax still despise each other, but a detente has set in. For the children, you know. Sonny still tries to bang Carly every chance he gets.

Paragraph 26: Yes, it looks like Maxie's boyfriend, Hot Cooper, is the dreaded Text Message Killer. Because the War in Iraq made him crazy, see. In a rare show of kindness towards the viewers, the actor who plays Cooper went and got himself pasty- and bloated-looking so as to minimize our trauma now that he's being written off as a killer. I'm not even going into how his name is "Cooper Barrett" and was originally intended to usher in the return of the now-departed Barrett family, including a recast for Vanessa Marcil's beloved "Brenda." God, this is the gayest thing I have ever written for this site, you guys. And that's really saying something.

Paragraph 28: I'm not 100% positive, but it probably has something to do with Kate (Sonny's pretty-much-girlfriend) trying to atone for having a history (in the whole year she's been on the show) of hating kids in general and Sonny's kids in particular. Which, given that one of Sonny's kids is Michael, is totally understandable and makes me like her.

Paragraph 29: Oh my God, Liz with the painting. Or "charcoals." Jesus.

Paragraph 30: Okay, so back to Robin Christopher. Yes, she's playing the same "Skye" from All My Children. She also played her on One Life To Live. She's gone from being the black sheep of the wealthy and influential Chandler family on AMC to the black sheep of the wealthy and influential Quartermaines on GH. Truthfully, I don't think she's the natural born child of either family, but that's one muddy mess, Skye's parentage. I do know that her mom is Linda "Shoulderpads" Dano, just as she was back on Another World. Aw.

Paragraph 32: Actually, Jerry was totally bad a year ago when they (re-)introduced him as an evil, evil, hostage-taking, murdering, mean person. But then the show tried to play us all for saps and pretend like he was all reformed and fixed him up with Alexis of all people (sigh, "punching bag," I'm not kidding). Thank God they've at least dropped that charade.

Paragraph 34: Ah yes, the worst-kept paternity secret in town. Liz named the baby Jacob Martin! The man who she desperately wanted no one to know was the father is named Jason Morgan. She sucks so bad.

And that's General Hospital, Miss Alli. Now you know.