Oh Dick Wolf, what would a world without you look like? Where would we be without your deft interpretations of lurid tabloid dramas and celebrity dust-ups? Without that masterful way you have of weaving narratives loosely based on real events so that in our collective memory, we draw just as often from the truths you invent as the one supplied by the New York Post, US Weekly, et al? For tomorrow night's L&O season finale we get yet another ripped-from-the-headlines tale, this one owing its plot to the recent Spitzer/call-girl fiasco. It was only a matter of time, you realize. I wonder how literally the show's gonna take this puppy. The governor is played by the fully follicled Tom Everett Scott, rather than a balding Spitzer look-alike, but are we still going to have to suffer through scenes of him going to town on his special lady friend while sporting classy black dress socks? Le shudder.

Heroes fans still saddened by the death of pixie-ish Eden McCain in Season 1 will rejoice at the addition of a new evil pixie to the cast of Heroes. (No, Kristen Bell and Hayden Panettiere are not pixies, they're vixens. Get it straight.) Brea Grant, who briefly played a love interest on Friday Night Lights, will be joing the cast in Season 3 as a super-fast villain. I would tell you what her name was on FNL, as well as who she dated and why they broke up, but my love for funny sports movies does not extend to overly serious sports TV shows. Sorry.

Gods Frakkin' Dammit. Those were the words that literally came out of my mouth when I read the news this morning that Katee Sackhoff was going to be doing four episodes of Nip/Tuck next season. I'm thrilled that Starbuck has another big gig since BSG's coming to an end (though I can't really talk about that... still in denial). However, this news is good for her, but bad for me because now I've got to start watching Nip/Tuck again.

Toby's gone. Amy Ryan braves Dunder-Mifflin. Kevin is special. Michael's going to be a daddy... sort of. Andy steals Jim's thunder, but Dwight makes that alright. Ryan gets busted. Let's just say if you didn't watch The Office finale, you need to. Right now. While it wasn't as surprising as the JAM kiss, it had its ups and downs and freakin' Jenna Fischer rocks it out of the park. Watch the full episode in all it's glory after the jump.

Again, I'm watching another upfront from the comfort of my desk chair. It really isn't all that bad... though it does mean no party and no mingling with stars, but I'll live. While CW apparently is becoming all lifestyles of the rich and famous, Fox seems to be just about action, Idol and some more action. Which works. If it ain't broke...

So I didn't get invited to CBS's big swanky upfront at Carnegie Hall. Which is fine since I probably would have ended up in the fourth balcony and I get wicked vertigo at that place. But I did get to watch the event from the comfort of my own desk (and thank god, because it was really long) via a satellite stream. Nice! Or well... parts of it were nice. Parts of it were downright tedious, but again, this is aimed at the advertisers so clearly I'm not the target demo for this.

After the obligatory intros from high-ranking execs and Les Moonves talking about all of the different aspects of CBS (We've got outdoor marketing! We're interactive! We're not just for old people any more!) They bring out Craig Ferguson. Let's just say, I'll take Jimmy Kimmel making fun of NBC any day instead of Craig Ferguson's lame attempts at jokes. I mean, he's talking about New York smelling like urine. Really? Then he talks about billboards. I think he might be missing some of the lines on the teleprompter... or reading them after the images come up on the massive screen. Hard to tell.

You couldn't make this shit up if you tried: MTV has developed a new reality show called Exiled! that cherry-picks eight of the most obnoxious ass-faces from their series My Super Sweet Sixteen and sends them away to a variety of third world nations for a "reality check." Guess the girls on this show are too young to have embraced the concept of "slumming it" yet and/or have not yet discovered the rich-kid rite of passage that is the Peace Corps. Then again, the idea here is not to help communities in need, but to rehab a gaggle of bratty girls and break them of their silver spoon habits. You know, the important stuff! At least we can rest easy knowing the answer to that age-old question of what to get the girl who has everything. A case of dysentery! Based on the clip (courtesy of Jezebel's Slut Machine), the privileged tweens will trek to remote destinations like Thailand and Peru and contend with elephant poop, altitude sickness, mosquitos and live chicken slaughter while earning the (justified) loathing of their patient host-families. Is it just me or is this starting to sound like advertising copy for an eco-tourism pamphlet?

Fun party? Check. Pretty people? Check. Addictive, if unoriginal shows? Check. Girls with green hair? Check. The CW announced their new Fall lineup at their upfront party at a swanky shindig in a tent at Lincoln Center. And while the evening gets an A, the new show prospects get a B at best. Though I'll probably end up watching them. Damn you CW and your pretty vapid shows.

I arrived at the CW upfront, which was at Lincoln Center in some big outdoor tents. Was greeted by a girl in a chartreuse colored wig holding similarly colored apple martinis. I decided to pass and head straight for the food since the ABC upfront didn't have snacks. Once inside there were massive screens everywhere displaying the press lineup on the lime green carpet. I was with some friends and we grabbed some yummy shish kabobs and watched Kelly Taylor talking and taking photos. Then I saw Julie Chen, dressed in a rather subdued ensemble, and I just had to say hello. I mean, much as everyone picks on her, I love that she's in on the joke. I walked right over to her as her husband was trying to usher her to the press section, and I was lamely like, "Julie, just wanted to tell you that I love Big Brother" and she's like, "Walk with me." So we chatted for a hot minute and then Mr. Moonves kind of gave a look like, "Are we done mingling with the commoners" and she's like, "Wait, she likes Big Brother." Which kind of got a half a smile. Awesome. I love me some Julie Chen even more now.

New York's prestigious Paley Center for Media (formerly known as the Museum of Television & Radio) is hosting a live event called "Click Critics: The Power of Fan Websites" at 6PM on Monday, May 19. The musical duo known as Previously on Lost will perform their musical recaps of Lost episodes, and a panel of experts from TV sites will discuss "the influence of fan sites on programming, the culture of actively engaged critical communities, and their position in the 'legitimate' critical landscape." It'll be a lot more fun than it sounds, we promise.

Panelists include folks who work on Whedonesque, Lostpedia, Ugly Is In, Galactica Sitrep, OfficeTally and... Television Without Pity. You can find out more info here and buy discount tickets here. We know we're going to have a geeky good time, and we hope some of our NY-area readers can make it to the event.

Two, count 'em, two new shows. That's all that is on the ABC slate for the fall. They've got more than 15 in development for the midseason, most of which they didn't have any information on, but only one reality show and one drama (which is a remake of a British series). That's it.