Everyone is up in arms about the rumors that Ryan Seacrest might be taking over for Larry King if and when old Lightning Rod retires. Ok yes. On the surface of things, this might seem like sacrilege. For one thing, we're talking about Ryan Fucking Seacrest here. I'm not generally a paranoid person, but the Seacrest Sprawl that's been happening in recent years -- the production company, the hosting gig on E! News and Idol, the radio show, not to mention a gig pinch-hitting for Dick Clark on New Years' Eve in 2007 and (kind of brilliant) cameo in Knocked Up -- is getting perilously close to an all-out entertainment monopoly. I mean Christ. I wouldn't rule out the possibility that he's cloned himself and is hatching an evil plot to take over the world. True, he is smug and fake and his teeth are unnaturally white and his strategically placed highlights scream Nancy Boy. We can all agree on that. But here's the thing. Larry King, you guys? He kind of sucks. I mean, duh he is a hard-ass for surviving eight hundred sixty-seven triple-bypass surgeries and for getting married 13 times, and I dare you to find anyone who looks more dapper in a pair of suspenders. But I can't tell you how many times he's left me gape-mouthed at the ill-informed and downright idiotic questions he asks guests on his show. He's like Martin Short's TV host caricature Jiminy Glick, who admits while interviewing Jerry Seinfeld that he's never seen the comedian's eponymous show, but he's told it's funny. The man is a legend, sure. But I think he's interpreted that to mean that when you come on his show, you can't expect him to have wasted his precious time learning who you are or why you're there. You know, like mortal TV journalists are supposed to. I mean come on, he's Larry King!

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, except to say that Seacrest is dumb. But so is Larry. He's just the dumb we know. So everyone needs to chillax.