American Idol meets 24: Jack and The Terrorists battle it out onstage, and tell each other off through song! Jack aces "Rock You Like a Hurricane," The Terrorists attempt "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" but it's pitchy, dawg, and America wins! Chloe butchers "Midnight Train to Georgia" (she's really not a belter), blames Milo's corpse for it, and Simon Cowell assassinates a Palmer family member out of frustration. Martha Logan and Paula Abdul exchange crazy, Jack (mistakenly) suspects the Sanjaya crying girl has Russian extremist ties and tortures her to death for intel, Seacrest catches a stray bullet whilst reading, "If you want to save the terrorists, text 5702..." and America wins again!

Lost meets Samantha Who?: The car crash we previously thought caused Samantha's amnesia is revealed to have been staged by Charles Widmore in retaliation for Ben's insolence. The amnesia was actually caused by post-traumatic stress due to a mercenary mission she performed with Sayid (she really was a really, really bad person back then), though Ben (translation: that squirrelly Carlton Cuse) won't really say why. Jack in turn blames himself for it, Kate ruins everything, Hurley and Sookie-from-Gilmore bond over token jolly/chubby character-ness, and Sawyer and Samantha's best bud Andrea hook up because they're both sluts. Oh, and Rousseau is back from the dead because that's just what's right.

Heroes meets The Office: Michael makes awkward and inappropriate cheerleader fantasy jokes in front of Claire, prompting Jim to mutter "Touch the cheerleader. Go to jail." over and over for the entire episode. Dwight challenges Sylar to a leg-wrestling match, manages to beat him on account of all the Red Bull intake, and Sylar, thinking he has found his new arch nemesis, steals his brain in hopes of absorbing his "powers." All of Dwight's dreams come true. Michael's gay crisis over Ryan is revisited when he realizes Nate is just a much better-looking version of him, which launches a whole new slew of over-compensating cheerleader fantasy jokes. Niki's she-Hulk alter ego meets Angela, and is all like, "Wow! That girl needs to chill!" And Creed closes the show with a rousing rendition of Madonna's 4 Minutes to Save the World, complete with Madge-inspired hip thrusts.

House meets Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader: It turns out House is, but Chase is not -- he was sick the day they taught "Egypt" in school. House, vindicated by this, celebrates by making a whole mess of sarcastic jokes about people who make sarcastic jokes about the possibility of being a redneck in addition to his weekly jabs at Cuddy's inappropriate clothing. Plus, we all learn how to convert liters to gallons!

30 Rock meets Medium: Devalos convinces Allison to do some P.R. for the D.A.'s office by guest hosting TGS. Allison and Frank hit it off right away when they realize they both suffer from unpredictable visions, though Frank's are mostly of Nell Carter and they're due to 'shrooms. Lemon and Jenna are racked with insecurity when the former finds out Allison's rack is real, and the latter finds out Allison's hair is real. They drown their sorrows in a big pail of Everclear and a stuffed crust pizza and drunk dial Donaghy's office until the sun comes up. Kenneth accuses Allison of witchcraft when he catches her humming his dead gram-gram's favorite tune, but Lutz assures him Jimmy Crack Corn is a lot of people's favorite songs and all is well.