BLOGS

The Telefile
Celebrity Rehab Part Deux: Our Dream Cast The recruiting process for a show like Celebrity Rehab is much more discriminating than you might imagine. Like The Surreal Life and other reality shows of its ilk, CR requires a very specific mix of celebrities who fall into precise pop culture-based categories. The more a categories a celeb belongs to, the more incentive, to my mind, there is to cast him or her (and the more likely he or she will be to provoke all manner of drama on the show). Taking cues from last season's diverse lineup, I've devised a crib sheet of pre-req's that stars must satisfy to be eligible for the show from here on out.

The categories are these:
1) Television has-been (Jeff Conaway)
2) Former child star (Jaimee Foxworth)
3) Porn star (Mary Carey, Chyna)
4) American Idol alum (Jessica Sierra)
5) Professional wrestler (Chyna, Ricco Rodriguez)
6) Celeb with a physical deformity (Chyna)
7) Someone whose claim to fame is chiefly their relation to someone more famous (Daniel Baldwin).
8) Music industry representative -- to keep things well-rounded, of course! (Seth Binzer, aka Shifty Shellshock)

If a celeb falls into any of the aforementioned categories, chances are good that they are de facto members of another crucial category:

9) Veteran of another trashy reality show (Brigitte Nielson).

If for any reason a celeb does not satisfy any of the aforementioned requirements, they'd damn well better have been at the center of a drunken kerfuffle or at the very least a recent and widely reported drug-related arrest or stint in rehab. It goes without saying that unless there are extenuating circumstances, these 'celebs' are never ever A-List. Or B-List. Or C-list. Or even D-List. (Kathy Griffin has given waaaay too much cache to that last category.)

Obviously I've devoted a lot of time and thought to this show and its highly proscribed rules. So I was chomping at the bit to see who would be 'cast' in the new season of CR. According to the website Reality Blurred, rumored participants for the new season include erstwhile LiLo and Hilary Duff swain Aaron Carter (who satisfies the former child star and famous by proxy categories), American Idol vet Nikki McKibbin, Heidi Fleiss (who's not a porn star per se, but close enough), and, in a series upset, Dennis Rodman, who doesn't quite fit the "famous for proximity to other famous people" profile, and therefore may well usher in a brand new category: disgraced sports stars. Rockers Sebastian Bach and Steven Tyler (who assured the press that his recent stint in rehab was for his foot and nothing else) have also been linked to the show, but have since denied their involvment.

In an effort to come to the aid of undoubtedly overextended producers, I've gone ahead and compiled a list of celebs that they ought to tap for the new CR season, along with their qualifications based on the categories just put forth:

Verne Troyer (celebs with physical deformities; veterans of other trashy reality shows)
Tatum O'Neal (former child star, center of a recent and widely reported drug-related arrest)
Jason Davis (related to someone more famous, ie Brandon Davis, though his claim to fame is almost as tenuous)
Paula Abdul (AI alum; vet of another trashy reality show)
Bobby Brown (vet of other trashy reality shows, token musician, related to someone more famous)
Lily Allen (token musician, center of recent public drunken kerfuffle)
Sean Young (center of recent public drunken kerfuffle)
Lil Wayne (token musician, center of a recent and widely reported drug-related arrest)
Kiki Dunst (recent, widely reported stint in rehab for, ahem, "depression." Ranks right up there with Steven Tyler and his foot.)

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