· Grill It! with Bobby Flay, which sounds like an amalgam of Boy Meets Grill and Throwdown With Bobby Flay: "Thirteen viewers [audition] for the chance to grill beside Chef Bobby Flay." Yawn.

· That new Food Network lady (who used to be a fighter pilot or some junk) Sunny Anderson will host a show called How'd That Get On My Plate? in which she will "[follow] a single ingredient from its origins to the plate." How that could top Follow That Prawn, I've no idea.

· BBQ-makin' love birds Pat and Gina Neely are gonna take their ceaseless game of grab ass on the road with their own edition of Road Tasted. (Those in the know will note that the show was initially hosted by Paula Deen's good ol' boys, Jamie and ... the less attractive one.)

· Ted Allen, late of Top Chef, will be helming Food Detectives - which is described as a "show that uses science to test various food myths." Sounds like a poor man's Good Eats if ya ask me. And even if you didn't.

· The Food Network will attempt to get all interactive and crap with this show called Ask Aida, in which a lady named -- shocker -- Aida "[solves] viewer's cooking problems." After doing some rudimentary research, I discovered that the titular Aida appears to be H.B.I.C. for some food blog called Chow. Which makes her infinitely more qualified than some people with star status on Food Network. But I'm not naming names, Rachael Ray. That's below me.

· Some ho named Alexandra Guarnaschelli will be hosting televised cooking lessons on The Cooking Loft. Yawn 2.0.

As you'll notice, Alton Brown is nowhere in this line up. WTF, Food Network? Feasting On Asphalt is only the best show on television. Get your priorities straight. And while you're at it, fix me a damned sandwich. All this talk has got me hungry.