Monday: "Twins Reunited." Unless those are Siamese twins with a rare form of near-sightedness you're reuniting, I don't give a hell.

Tuesday: "Polygamy in America." This one sounds good at first, but it's a re-run and I already saw it. It's about the Big Love kind of polygamy, where everyone is rich and all the women can read. What kind of polygamy show is that? Bring a book.

Wednesday: "Bette Midler: 62 and Heading for Vegas!" Bette Midler's not crazy enough! Bring Celine back!

Thursday: "Confronting the Attacker." That's code for people sitting on a couch crying for an hour. Can't Nate Berkus just show me his gold leaf ceiling again?

Friday: "Children of Divorce Reveal Their Secret Thoughts." I bet you all the money I won from my Top Chef pool with the aforementioned drunken idiot friends that none of these thoughts will surprise you. Children of divorce are not rare anomalies; they're everywhere, and many of them frequently talk about their painful childhoods, so either you are one of those children or you know at least a dozen of them. Can't Nate Berkus show me how to throw a theme party with a gold leaf ceiling or something?