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The Telefile
Baby Bees No Match for Mama Bee I am So. Effing. Excited. For this new show called Queen Bees premiering tonight on The N. It's a reality show that Videogum describes perfectly as a hybrid of Mean Girls and Intervention: seven self-described Queen Bees (or Queen B's for betch, more like) are thrown into a house together and all manner of experts attempt to rehab them and rid them of their diva ways. The B who comes out most changed by the experience gets your standard prize money, which I'm sure she will totally donate to like AmFar or something and not spend on sparkly eyeliner and t-shirts declaring that they are princesses who are going to steal your boyfriend. There is a ten-minute clip up on The N's website and it is ah-may-zing. After I watched it, I simply could not contain my joy. Can I share some thoughts with you, fair readers? Good! I was hoping you'd say that!

First of all, I'm a little confused about the element of the show that explains how friends, family and significant others nominated these girls to appear on the program because they thought they needed internal makeovers. Like, these are the very same people who are allowing the Queen B's to get away with their bullshit. It's your fault they're a-holes, a-holes! My favorite is this mom who says the last straw was when her daughter went on an $8,000 spending spree with her parents' credit card. Umm, it's called "don't give her access to your credit card." Not brain surgery, folks.

Also, these girls don't really seem genuinely mean. They seem like they're playing proscribed roles of what they think mean girls should be. Which I guess means the show is like every other "reality" show out there, so whatever. But honestly, they all seem so dumb and ludicrously out of touch with their awesomeness and prettiness. Where are they getting these ideas that they are so fabulous and beautiful? Again, I blame the people they surround themselves with. As we all learned from the aforementioned Lindsay Lohan vehicle, betches can't successfully be betches without an army of skanks and yes men/moms catering to their whims. So whoever is telling them that they're the middle-school version of Angelina Jolie is just as much to blame as their own deluded brain chemistry is.

But perhaps the funniest part of this clip -- and I think I might be veering into Mean Girl territory myself with this observation -- is the testimony from a couple of the girls' boyfriends. One seems... how do I put this delicately? Retarded. And the other is an Asian man with highlights. Translation: Gay gay gay. I'm pretty sure I could cut a few of these Queen Bs down to size simply by alerting them to the fact that the dudes they're dating are a) ugly or b) "special" or c) using them as a beard. How's that for being a Queen B, betches?

I think the best rehab these morons can get is their asses served to them by the audience whose ire they'll no doubt draw. A little well-aimed online vitriol can take down even the toughest tween like the Colossus at Rhodes. He he he. ...Wow. Maybe I really do need to go on this show.

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