Let's go over Dick Smothers' qualifications, shall we? Wikipedia describes him as an "American comedian, composer and musician from New York, New York." First of all, he never could have played all those instruments without having rhythm, and he did on TV, which is super scary to do. You think that ukulele played itself, ABC? I don't. Secondly, he's from "New York, New York," where Broadway is! Clearly he knows how to dance. If movies have taught me anything, it's that New York, New York has the highest naturally gifted dancers per capita of any city in the world (Paris is a close second, but only when Gene Kelly is there, so it doesn't count.) Oh, and did I mention that Wikipedia also claims his son, Dick Smothers, Jr., is a "pornographic actor"? Clearly, the right moves run in the family. Not to mention mind-blowing (pun intended!) porn names.

If our variety show national treasures can't get a spot on Dancing With the Stars if they want one, what kind of a nation are we running here? I mean, Master P two-left-feeted it up on that show, and he hasn't had a hit record since I was in the eighth grade. My view of the world is completely messed up now. What's next, are malls not going to let Cat Deely have pretty dresses? Are happy hours going to start turning Paula Abdul away? This is an outrage! ABC producers, for the greater good of TV legends everywhere, let Dick Smothers dance!