According to People.com, "'This really was set up as a way to accommodate his fans who wanted to reach out to him, not as a way of finding a match for him,' an ABC rep says. Mesnick checks the address once a day and tries to respond to every fan -- even if it is just with a simple thank you."

Observations pertaining to the pathetic, sad dumbness of this gambit aside, the news got me thinking about my own childhood desires to get in touch with television personalities, both real and fictional. I never went so far as to write a fan letter, knowing even in my youthful naivety that this would be a fruitless way to reach my celebrity of choice. I do distinctly recall pleading with my dad to let me call Mr. T and Mr. Rogers respectively. Why I thought he might have their direct lines -- and why my fixation seems to have been exclusive to people named "Mister" I don't know. Kids will be kids, ya dig?

I still have little, if any desire to communicate with celebrities via the traditional pathways that have been created for super-fans. But I figured that I'd indulge myself momentarily and come up with a list of current characters/stars I'd like to have a chat with, if providence supplied me with a means more interesting or realistic than the fan mail repositories most crazy adoring/spiteful missives end up in. What follows is a sampling of the virtual conversations I'd like to conduct with some of my current-day celeb obsessions. Enjoy!

Dear Michael Cera,

I hope you'll forgive me for accosting you at that bar in Brooklyn when you were filming a scene for your movie "Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist". You see, I was using the bar not as a location for a movie but as what it was intended to be: a place for me to get ridiculously drunk in. What have you been up to lately? What's your favorite kind of sandwich? Do you want to maybe go shopping for cardigans one day? I'm free most Saturday afternoons.

Dear Tyra Banks,

What drugs are you taking and where can I score some?

Dear Jack Donaghey,

I admire your unabashed Machiavellian tendencies, corporate corruptness, political aspirations and hair. I'd be thrilled if you wanted to go out for steak one night. We could take turns telling each other jokes, the butts of which would encompass any and all minority groups, including the handicapped, the elderly, the overweight and the historically oppressed. It'll be a time!

Dear Blair Waldorf,

You are such a B and I love it! You have perfected the disdainful sneer and brought headbands back into style, and despite your uptight, rules-adhering exterior, you still know how to shake your thang like the baby vamp you are! Let's go shopping, have a spa day, get drunk on vodka martinis and talk smack about everyone. Rinse, repeat.

Dear SpongeBob,

How do you manage to stay cheerful and sunny even in your dead end job as a crabby patty-flipping peon? How is it that you tolerate your friends, who are alternately miserable curmudgeons and doltish lumbering oafs? And how do you maintain your girlish physique?

P.S. Tell Gary I said meow!