--The menu of sex acts includes a variety of irresistible options, but the sexiest of all? The "Sex on the Beach," which includes a hand job followed by a VHS viewing of Beaches, staring "the incomparable Bette Midler."

-- A guided tour of the facilities by Dame Delilah herself, with architectural highlights ("There are so many windows and doors, you couldn't even count them all!")

-- Some house rules: "If you're worried about getting a disease, don't come crying to us. Consider having sex with another consenting adult like normal people do. This is a brothel. Shit happens. And so do crabs." That's true!

--Suggestions of things to do around town when you're not patronizing whorehouses such as the Toast Festival (tagline: "Forget everything you THOUGHT you knew about toast.")

--Coupons! I recommend the "Trucker's Incentive," which includes a lube job for you, and your 19 wheeler!

--Meet the staff, which includes The State's Joe Lo Truglio and Wet Hot American Summer's A.D. Miles!

--Informative customer testimonials, like "My dick is freaking out!" - Paul, Monroe, LA

-- Or just visit the online gift shoppe. Seriously, guys. Visit the online gift shoppe. Now!

And that's not all! New videos will be rolled out every Wednesday, ya Johns!