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What’s Grosser Than Gross? Hurl!

by Angel Cohn July 15, 2008 10:16 pm
What’s Grosser Than Gross? <I>Hurl</I>!

Seriously, I thought there was no way Hurl! could be as disgusting as it seemed in its premise. I was proven wrong tonight. Very, very, very wrong. Even the little intro promos of a dog barfing are icky. Thankfully they somehow block people doing most of the actually vomiting (I'm insanely grateful for this fact) but that doesn't stop the sounds. The sounds are so much worse than I could have imagined.

Here's the gist. Five stupid asses are taken into a dark and shady tunnel, presented with a scale filled with such tasty delights as macaroni and cheese (they make special note of it being organic... why does that matter?) Those who eat the most get to move on to the next round. And if they puke they are out. The competitors tonight ate upwards of two pounds of the cheesy substance. With only orange soda (no mention of if that is organic or not) to wash it down with. There's a Hurl Watch (you know, looking at people who are gagging to see if they are going to lose their lunch), which is something I never thought I'd see in my entire life. And the rules state that they can vomit in their mouth, but no swallowed food can leave their mouth. This is as repulsive as it sounds. I'm sure the frat brothers that invented this idiotic game show after a drunken 4th of July expedition to Coney Island are really proud of themselves. And I'm positive their moms are just bragging to everyone they've ever met.

The three players who make it to the next round are subjected to the balls of hurl. Yeah, if you are still reading, you read that right. Big metal balls that are spun in dizzying circles by guys who are smartly wearing Hazmat suits. Those who don't upchuck move on.

At the next station there's more food to be eaten. In the premiere it was pumpkin pie (Again, organic. Again, I wonder who cares.) There's a lot of time spent on technique. From the guys who stuff their faces with their hands to the guys who just use their spoon as a shovel. For the record, shoveling seems to be the fastest method.

Survive dessert with the top two amounts eaten and it is time for more spinning. First to hurl loses. The prize is $1,000. Which I find insane. That's the lamest prize ever. Apparently they get bragging rights too. Not worth it. If neither pukes, they are handed pies in the balls (which should be noted look really uncomfortable) and tasked to eat as much as possible. Employing the "gag attack" (making wretching noises to unsettle your opponent) is encouraged. And apparently works. If no one pukes, on to more spinning. Repeat ad nauseum. Literally.

When they do hurl, they measure the amount that is expelled with little hurl buckets. The mean, mean camera guys really like to show the aftermath of the hurling. I'm so disgusted, but this may be the best diet ever. I'm not hungry, or do I think I ever will be again.

The thing that really baffles me though (I know, there's a lot to be confused by) is the spectators. The guys in Hazmat suits are being paid. The morons who are doing the eating/puking are also in it for a prize (however miniscule it may be). But what do the onlookers get out of this? The pleasure of seeing other people vomit? Watching people eat a lot? I really don't understand. Much like I don't understand why anyone would watch this show. I know, I know, I'm watching it. But just for this one episode and never, ever again. Curiosity got the best of me. I'm sure other people will feel the same way. But if you want to watch people doing insane stuff and inflicting forms of torture on their bodies, stick with other G4 offerings like Ninja Warrior or The Unbeatable Banzuke. You'll feel better afterwards. Trust me.

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