Reunite Van Halen (Again): Yes, I know David Lee Roth is back in Van Halen and that they tour and everything now. Yes, I know Roth and Sammy Hagar once toured together as solo artists. This is not good enough. I want David Blaine to somehow use his magic powers normally reserved for breath-holding and extreme temperature-surviving to convince Sammy to share the stage with Roth and the entire Van Halen gang for a live medley of "Panama" and "Why Can't This Be Love?" (Because really, why can't it?) It can't be done, you say? Tell that to the guy who gets buried alive for a living. If anything could ever get these guys to put the bullshit aside, it's magic!

Kidnap the World's Greatest Scientists, Make Them Create a Real Jurassic Park, Teach the Velociraptors to Juggle: It's not impressive enough to just bring dinosaurs back from extinction -- anybody can do that. I know because I saw it in a movie. The true prestige of this trick would be to transform the heinously violent nature of these creatures into light child's birthday party entertainment. Sure, you might lose a few toddlers here and there in the trial periods, but think of what hope it would give us for repeat assaulters like the Chupacabra or Mike Tyson.

Buy the DeLorean Off eBay, Invent Time Travel, Bring Me Back a Bitchin' Sword: This one's as self-explanatory as it is absolutely necessary.

Get a Desk Job Like the Rest of Us, Act Like a Normal Human Being: Blaine strikes me as the kid in Toys 'R Us who held his breath until he got whatever he wanted, all grown up. Angel just thinks he is convinced he's a bat. Either way, dude's freak show persona is beat. The best thing he could do publicly at this juncture (I read everything Gawker writes about Lizzie Grubman, so I am literally a PR expert) is to shock us all by becoming an account executive at MetLife for 72 whole hours! He'd have to wear a tie! And attend meetings! And... make water cooler small talk! And photocopies! And not hold his breath or nearly fall off a building or anything for a paycheck for once! Actually, this may be the one stunt David Blaine cannot do. All the others, no problem, but this one? Let's just say the gauntlet is set, Blaine. Make your move!