The only real nuggets this extended teaser reveals is that Dan is getting frisky at a book reading with some ho who apparently makes a habit of hooking pseudo-intellectuals at the 92nd Street Y and that Blair is on her way back from Paris, as documented by Gossip Girl. Oh and that based on the vehicular sex scene that Nate and his cougar lady friend engage in in the opening shot, rich people are Just Like Us! Oh, don't act like you never did it in the front seat of a car, you're not fooling anyone!

Based on these precious few revelatory minutes, allow me to make a few predictions about what we can expect from the new season:

Blair and Chuck will continue their hate-sexy pas de deux, dating various minor players to make each other jealous and wearing really insane outfits while they do it. (Note to producers -- transvestites are the new black, so please consider a cross-dressing sequence in which Blair dons Chuck's scarf and orders him to wear her negligee.) They'll spend the whole season prancing and strutting around each other, then they'll finally go to Bone Town, Blair will suffer a pregnancy scare and the emotional intensity of the situation will bring them together at last.

Serena will keep on being a whiny, insufferable ho and will have sex with Nate, Chuck, Dan and Dan's dad Rufus, find out she has herpes and have to deliver the news to all four aforementioned suitors, who will subsequently mount a smear campaign against her that will inspire her mom to send her back to reform school. There, she'll realize that her endlessly ho-ey ways were really just symptomatic of the emotional void she felt by refusing to let herself accept that she is actually a big ol' lez. Reform school will bring out the gay in her (like it does to everyone) and when we next see her, she'll have cropped hair, whiskers, a paunch and three golden retrievers whose names are references to Indigo Girls songs.

Jenny Humphrey, who has been sewing her little heart out all summer as Blair's mom's sweatshop slave, has turned to compulsive over-eating to fend off the stress of working 22-hour days in a cramped, windowless room on Park Avenue. When Blair returns, she'll take pity on Jenny and spring for gastric bypass surgery, but Jenny will have an adverse reaction to the anesthesia and die on the table.

Nate will realize that the empty sex he's been having with the Hamptons' community of soccer moms is causing a moral conundrum. He'll turn to Jesus for answers and spend the majority of the season proselytizing and secretly frequenting bondage clubs in Times Square.

Dan will write a roman à clef about the hijinks of the rich and privileged and enjoy brief celebrity in the New York literary scene, but will suffer a psychotic break when the book is optioned for a movie and start self-medicating with prescription pills. One fateful night, he'll unwittingly mix a toxic cocktail of Percosets, his dad's Viagra and Jenny's diet pills and will fall into a coma.

Hey, it could happen!