I know I'm partially to blame for the enduring success of The Hills and its respective "stars," being that despite my incessant rants that nothing ever effing happens on that show, I continue to tune in week after week, perhaps operating under the misapprehension that the one time I miss it will be the time producers finally decide to unleash a shitstorm. That said, I can't help but be infuriated by the fact that these bland tanorexics keep making money for doing essentially nothing but acting -- I use the term with no small sprinkling of irony -- like themselves. Say what you will about L.C.'s crappy fashion line -- at least it requires some measure of effort. Sure, it's unlikely she actually designs any of that ugly poo herself, but the whole endeavor is based on the idea that she has an actual interest in fashion and might have, at one point, drawn a sketch. The girl does, after all, attend fashion school (sometimes).

So here's something we're going to have to sit through on the night of September 21st. It's been announced that Josh Groban will perform a sizeable medley of classic TV themes on this year's Primetime Emmy broadcast. I can't think of too many TV themes that really lend themselves to classical voice, so this is easily my early prediction of the night's most horrifying moment. It's going to be like when the AMDA kids show up to karaoke bars in Manhattan and belt out "You Raise Me Up" with zero irony. For all you non-New Yorkers, just think of that community theater girl you know who always massacres "Come on Eileen" by refusing to move out of her head voice when you play SingStar -- it's like that. All of the above is so annoying it actually makes me yearn for the grizzled crooning of Michael McDonald. I mean, jesus, Clay Aiken would be less inappropriate than this. Though I guess I never thought the Primetime Emmys could actually make me yearn for Michael McDonald or Clay Aiken so, well-played, Groban.

Oh Chriiiiiiiist! As if they haven't already been cast out of plastic and fired in the pits of hell, Spencer and Heidi of The Hills are developing their very own line of Barbie-and-Ken-style dolls. Or at least they're dropping hints in the media that that's what they want, which apparently has succeeded in garnering Spencer an honest to god sit-down with Mattel to get the project underway. Like that Sarah Palin dressed as Britney Spears circa "Hit Me Baby One More Time" action figure wasn't enough of a signal as to the approach of Armageddon (seriously, what's next? A Tickle-Me-Joe-Biden?), the world's most heinous couple is destined to be immortalized in flesh-colored plastic.

Two of Lost Season 5's four new bad asses have been cast, and while I don't know anything about one of them, the other made movie magic in one of the greatest comedic torture scenes in cinematic history, so I'm pretty thrilled. The actor I know nothing about, Zuleikha Robinson, will play Llana, the dangerous European woman of mystery we heard about in August. Although Robinson seems to be one helluva showkiller, with a resumé that includes New Amsterdam, Rome and The Lone Gunmen, I'm pretty sure Lost will be safe from her showkilling ways.

Since I've been stuck watching the same three episodes of The Office on my iPod since NBC and iTunes squabbled about money and NBC's shows were removed a while back, I'm pretty excited about the news that the NBC shows will finally be available for me to spend my hard earned cash on again via iTunes. I know... there are probably some smart people out there who know how to take the episodes off of a DVD and put them up there, but I just don't have that kind of patience. I like to plug in my iPod, download and then sit on the bus re-watching episodes of my favorite comedies and annoying all the people on the bus who usually annoy me by talking loudly on their cell phones. It's really a fair trade.

I'm being serious! According to a recently published report, Law & Order and so-called "must-bleed" TV shows of its ilk (CSI, Criminal Minds, The Closer and what have you) that depict death and violence are linked to people buying and eating more food. Something about when being faced with one's own mortality -- because violent, ripped-from-the-headlines murders really get you thinking on a deeper level -- it's easier to rationalize eating that entire can of Pringles. Not that I've done that.

As an unabashed, longtime Bonnie Hunt enthusiast, I decided to disregard yesterday's premiere of The Bonnie Hunt Show in favor of today's episode for blog purposes, partly because Hunt seemed really nervous for the whole first episode and not entirely herself, and partly because the lunatic impression/accent generator on speed that is Robin Williams on a talk show annoyingly took up most of it. Bonnie seemed much more relaxed today during both her monologue (which she does sitting behind a desk that is so low it's distracting) and her interview with the fabulous Swoosie Kurtz, who I'd wager is a lot less frustrating to interview than Robin Williams.

As the whole TV-watching world is currently a-buzzin' with Fringe anticipation (myself very much included, as I've refused to watch a screener before tomorrow night's premiere and am determined to be surprised no matter how many spoilers I have lurking in my midst... named Angel), we listened in on an open call with creator J.J. Abrams and star Joshua Jackson recently and got an inside scoop on the show, witnessed the two react to an insane reporter's question, and even learned that invisibility may, in fact, exist. Because those are the kinds of things that happen when you're in the (long distance phone) presence of J.J. Abrams.

Now that the fall TV season is in full swing the time has come for a deluge of the second most exciting kind of pilot news in the biz. I am of course talking about the mid-season replacement shows! They are upon us! They are among us! They are being made in Tinsel Town as we speak! One in particular caught my eye this morning, first and foremost for its fabulous cast and then for its potential for being family-friendly without being a piece of crap. ABC has ordered 13 episodes of In the Motherhood, starring Chelsea Handler, Megan Mullally and Cheryl Hines as three moms and best girlfriends who (I hope) make great television and are able to blaze a new trail for family shows that are not According to Jim. Or it could go... another way.

Who doesn't like their deep fried lard with a side of hope? Hope not just that it's magically calorie free, but that the future of America is bright and full of promise? Well presumably that's exactly what the producers of Paula's Party are banking on; for the September 20 episode of the show, Paula's very special guest will be none other than Michelle Obama! According to the Village Voice, Mrs. Future First Lady (it's happening, or else I'm blowing things up!) will team up with everyone's favorite drunk Southern cook, learn the importance of frying things (seriously!), share anecdotes about the first meal she ever cooked for Barack, and wrassle up a big pot of Yes We Can chili courtesy of Mr. Future President's (what?) own well-guarded recipe.