I'm waiting with bated breath to see what she's gonna pull out of her extensions. Unfortch, Her Faux-Cheezness will not be performing per se (sucks, because I'd already picked out the perfect song for her and everything! The lyrics to "Piece of Me"-- "I'm Miss Bad Media Karma/Another day, another drama" -- are so apropos, don't you think?) But obvi they're gonna have to do some sort of wink to last year's fiasco and her subsequent, intricately documented unraveling, whether it entails a dance number featuring fat suit costumes (I'm such a betch!) or having Britney carried in on a stretcher or an "artsy" sequence like in her video for "Everytime" in which she drowns in a jumbo-sized martini glass filled with Ecstasy pills.

Whatever the case, this is one pop culture clusterfuck where I can safely say the majority of the people watching are gonna be pulling for her for once rather than hoping she screws it up. I have faith that our little pop princess has it in her to wow us like it's 1999. But if she does nail it, it's the inevitable after-party mentality we'll really have to worry about. Daddy can't watch her forever, and I don't think anyone -- Britney, her fans or the patient staff of various posh rehab facilities -- will be able to weather another relapse if she falls off the wagon again. I nominate Christian Siriano to step in as Brit's handler/stylist/guardian angel. If anyone can shame her into forgoing her go-to coke, Meth and spiked Pepsi cocktail with a gentle but firm "hot trannie mess" admonishment, it's him.

Tune into the VMA's this Sunday, September 7 at 9 PM on MTV, or just read our snarktastic recap, which'll be up the morning after. It'll probably be way better anyway.