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The Telefile

It's Britney, Bitch

by Lauren Gitlin September 4, 2008 12:10 pm
It's Britney, Bitch The bitch is back y'all! It comes as no surprise to anyone who lives on the earth and has use of their eyes that Ms. Spears will be gracing us with her newly toned, less obviously addled presence for the MTV VMA's this Sunday. (BTW who here loves those promos with Russell Brand where she totally cops to the fact that she doesn't know who the hell he is?)

The new news, though, is that Brit Brit will be opening the show just like she did last year. Well, hopefully not like she did last year. Hopefully the opposite of like she did last year. You guys, I don't want to jinx anything, but I think, to paraphrase Kathy Griffin, we might just have our diva back.

I'm waiting with bated breath to see what she's gonna pull out of her extensions. Unfortch, Her Faux-Cheezness will not be performing per se (sucks, because I'd already picked out the perfect song for her and everything! The lyrics to "Piece of Me"-- "I'm Miss Bad Media Karma/Another day, another drama" -- are so apropos, don't you think?) But obvi they're gonna have to do some sort of wink to last year's fiasco and her subsequent, intricately documented unraveling, whether it entails a dance number featuring fat suit costumes (I'm such a betch!) or having Britney carried in on a stretcher or an "artsy" sequence like in her video for "Everytime" in which she drowns in a jumbo-sized martini glass filled with Ecstasy pills.

Whatever the case, this is one pop culture clusterfuck where I can safely say the majority of the people watching are gonna be pulling for her for once rather than hoping she screws it up. I have faith that our little pop princess has it in her to wow us like it's 1999. But if she does nail it, it's the inevitable after-party mentality we'll really have to worry about. Daddy can't watch her forever, and I don't think anyone -- Britney, her fans or the patient staff of various posh rehab facilities -- will be able to weather another relapse if she falls off the wagon again. I nominate Christian Siriano to step in as Brit's handler/stylist/guardian angel. If anyone can shame her into forgoing her go-to coke, Meth and spiked Pepsi cocktail with a gentle but firm "hot trannie mess" admonishment, it's him.

Tune into the VMA's this Sunday, September 7 at 9 PM on MTV, or just read our snarktastic recap, which'll be up the morning after. It'll probably be way better anyway.

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