The Emmys can just be so dull and predictable... or just outright boring. Does anyone remember last year's never ending Sopranos tribute complete with Jersey Boys singing? Yeah. This year they are trying to spice things up by having Josh Groban sing classic theme songs (yup, Friends is now classic), presenters recite memorable TV lines ("Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!"), recreating famous sets and reuniting stars of classic shows. Sounds like a lot is going on, but we've got some of our own ideas about how they could really make this show unforgettable, and, most importantly, watchable.
1. Hosts Being Eliminated Mid-Broadcast
Five hosts is clearly too many, so in true reality style, get rid of them during the show. Jeff Probst puts Ryan Seacrest's name into a bucket, votes him off show. Heidi Klum tells Howie Mandel "Auf Wiedersehen," then sends him for years of OCD therapy by kissing him on both cheeks. Tom Bergeron doesn't make it to stage at all because his annoying Dancing With the Stars cohost has locked him in a diary room backstage. Leaving Klum and Probst to battle it out in a head-to-head speed round for the title of sole Emmy host.
2. Mad Men Wins for Best Drama
If they are going to go all retro with their tributes to classic casts, then this show should hands down be the winner. This stylish drama is slow and sophisticated and just amazing. If their first season doesn't win, we hope Don Draper sleeps with all the Emmy voters' wives.
3. Alec Baldwin Loses for Comedy Actor, Goes on Angry Tirade
We love crazy stories about the talented Baldwin, and while we think he's a shoo-in to win, for his brilliant impersonation of Tracy Jordan's family alone, if he doesn't we'd love to see him just go off. Blame everyone. Blame the Academy. Blame the creator of My Name Is Earl for the loss. Call his daughter and blame her! He'd be like the Kayne of the Emmys and it would be some seriously compelling TV.
4. American Idol Finally Wins. Simon's Head Explodes.
In the five years that the Outstanding Reality-competition program award has existed, The Amazing Race has swept. Each year there's griping from the Idol camp about how they have a great and highly rated show and they should win. Well, The Amazing Race is still amazing (and just quite a technical feat) but we'd like to see Idol win, only to see Simon Cowell's head actually burst from getting what he wanted.
5. Ryan Seacrest Wins for Best Reality Host. Heads Across America Explode.
It's the first time around for this award, and Seacrest is up against the other hosts, and if he wins, well... let's just hope that doesn't happen. Because that could be a pain in the ass to clean up, and I don't think Emmy is going to reimburse audience members for having the Stanley Steemer guy come over to get reality fans' brains out of the carpet.
6. The Office and 30 Rock Tie For Best Comedy
This would be the best possible scenario, then us fans wouldn't have to choose our allegiance between the Dunder-Mifflin and TGS staffs. We could root equally for both. Everyone wins! Well... except for those other three shows that are nominated.
7. Michael Emerson Loses Best Supporting Actor, Summons Smoke Monster
Emerson's Ben Linus is one creepy dude. And we've seen what he can do when people piss him off. If someone else tries to stake claim on the prize, we'd love to see the clackety-creature come rolling through the aisle and taking down the winner. Mostly because we really miss Lost.
8. Ricky Gervais Wins for Extras, Recites His Anti-Reality/Celebrity Speech
Emmy loves Ricky Gervais (can't say that we blame them) and we're hoping he'll be rewarded for Best Actor in a Miniseries or Movie for the final episode of the BBC series. Mostly because we're hoping instead of a new speech, he'll just reuse the biting speech about reality television, famewhores and tabloids that his character spewed at the end of the show. Would love to see the look on certain people's faces. The cameramen could have a field day with reaction shots.
9. A Miniseries We've Actually Seen Wins
This is never going to happen. That would have meant that we would have had to have watched any of them.
10. Dexter Stumbles on to The Simpsons Set
If they are going to go through the trouble of bringing The Simpsons set to life, wouldn't it be awesome if TV's intense (but yet somehow sympathetic) serial killer wandered over there? He could sit on the couch, hang out with Sideshow Bob, talk about the best way to kill someone without getting caught? It would be awesome.
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