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The Telefile
We Need A <i>Melrose Place</i> Remake Like Kimberly Needed That Hole in Her Head If Denise Richards fabricating a story about how her assy reality show It's Complicated is getting picked up for another season has taught me one thing, it's to not trust what dumdum plastic surgery victims/"actresses" say about goings-on in the TV industry. Chances are, they're hoping people will accuse them of merely being confused rather than outright lying, and then realize, hey! That's not such a bad idea, what she said! Maybe we should renew that crappy show no one watched! With that said, I'm taking what Lisa Rinna has said about rumblings of a Melrose Place remake with a grain of Restalyne. I know she's hard up for work now that she's exhausted her second fifteen minutes as the token cougar on Dancing With the Stars, but let's not even put a bug in the CW's ear, OK? It's not fair to anyone.

As you'll notice from the first sentence of my post, I'm all about learning from my mistakes. And I would damn well hope that the retards who've been shoving a revamped 90210 down our throats for the last few weeks (seriously, why is that show on every single night, sometimes twice?) would know that when it comes to remaking Aaron Spelling melodramas, we're full up at the proverbial inn. It's not like 90210 has been enjoying such massive success that it makes sense to keep on pilfering from the Spelling catalog, either. By all accounts, the ship is sinking and the only thing worth salvaging from the wreckage is Brenda Walsh, who please god needs her own spin-off show.

The thing about a Melrose Place remake, aside from the fact that it's a retarded-ass idea for the above-mentioned reasons, is that all the stuff that made MP good back in the day (rich people lounging by pools, crazy bitches setting things on fire and having lobotomies and slapping each other) can currently be enjoyed on any number of reality shows, so the need for a scripted series is pretty much non-existent. Instead, they should get Heather Locklear, Kristin Davis and Marcia Cross together and do a show called Insane Over-the-Hill Ho Death Match, wherein each week the nutso characters they played on MP will face off in Survivor-esque challenges. Each week one of them will die and then get magically resurrected the following week. Lesbian love scenes and cannibalism will be prominently featured. Guaranteed ratings gold if you ask me. Which you didn't.

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