"We've known that Britain has had Gladiators since 1992, but we've always looked the other way," said U.S. Secretary of Gladiatorial Affairs Brutus Stonehands. "This is completely surprising, and frankly, we expected more from the Brits, who are usually so polite." Of further concern to the State Department is the British Gladiators' penchant for overly violent names. While "Wolf" and "Beast" are about as nasty as it gets in the U.S., the U.K. roster includes "Predator," "Destroyer," "Battleaxe" and "Oblivion."

"Even if we sent our own Gladiators to stop them, I don't know that our guys would stand a chance," said Stonehands. "I mean, one of our guys is named 'Zen.' What's he gonna do, meditate on how many pieces Destroyer is going to break him into?" Zen could not be reached for comment, because he was crying.