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The Least Scary Supernatural TV Shows of All Time
There have always been two kinds of supernatural shows on TV: those that were trying to be funny, like I Dream of Jeannie and Big Wolf on Campus, and those that were trying to be scary, like The Twilight Zone and Friday the 13th: The Series. Some straddled the line, managing both with equal skill, like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Supernatural manages to be pretty scary most of the time, but many shows have aimed for scary and fallen horribly short. Here are a few of the most egregious examples.
10. Kolchak the Night Stalker (1974-1975)
That title alone sets the bar pretty high for scariness, but when the frighteningly named Kolchak turns out to be Ralphie's dad from A Christmas Story, wearing a pork pie hat and investigating supernatural killers in between covering fashion shows, you might have a disconnect. And the killers -- including guys dressed like magicians, women pretending to be mannequins, and Spanish moss creatures -- aren't remotely scary, even by 1970s standards.
9. Moonlight (2007-2008)
Even with its regular dose of Whedonesque humor, Angel was pretty scary a lot of the time. Vampires lurked in the darkness, demons stalked the streets and humans were nothing but cattle to the forces of evil. Moonlight, however, thought it would be a good idea to let vampires walk around in the sun with only mild discomfort, have an on-call clean-up service for "accidents" and actually be a mostly sentimental and weepy lot. It's not the first work of fiction to portray them as such, but this show seemed to make them particularly non-threatening.
8. Charmed (1998-2006)
While I would be uneasy at the thought of a visit from my three annoying, argumentative sisters, there wasn't anything at all scary about this tale of young, career-oriented witches. True, they fought the forces of darkness in between straightening out their jobs and love lives, but did you notice that after the first couple of seasons, the forces of darkness looked a lot like ordinary people?
7. Dark Shadows (1966-1971)
Sure, Dark Shadows started out as a plain old soap opera, but the addition of ghosts and vampires didn't make it any less a soap opera. When you're shooting a daily television drama, your money goes towards paying the writers and actors, not re-shooting awkward line readings or awful performances, and certainly not making that rubber bat on a string look any more real.
6. Ghost Whisperer (2005-present)
Maybe some of the ghosts on this show could have scared us by suddenly popping up and acting all creepy, but we were usually too distracted by obnoxious sidekick Jay Mohr (recently replaced by the equally obnoxious Jaime Kennedy) and/or Jennifer Love Hewitt's low-cut sundress to notice. Seriously, the scariest thing on that show is the fear that Hewitt might put on a turtleneck and the ratings would go down the toilet.
5. The Others (2000)
How forgettable was this show about a group of psychics? So forgettable that they made a movie with the same title a year later, and they didn't think it would really be an issue. Beat-up looking ghosts and women speaking ominously from the corner of a dark room only underlined the fact that most of the threats they faced were COMPLETELY IMMATERIAL.
4. Forever Knight (1992-1996)/Blood Ties (2007-2008)
Judging by these two very similar shows, Toronto seems to have a lot of vampires, and they all seem to be very keen on helping people. Maybe it's just the Canadian blood in them? In Forever Knight, an 800-year-old vampire becomes a police detective, which is jarringly unbelievable on multiple levels. And in Blood Ties a 480-year-old vampire helps an ex-police detective solve crimes... when he's not working as a graphic novelist. His chosen profession, combined with his male-model good looks, make him even less scary than a vampire sworn to uphold the law.
3. Haunted (2002)
If Matthew Fox could display fear, terror or any other emotion other than "detached numbness," maybe this show about a private detective who can talk to the dead would have been more frightening. Also, if they hadn't cast so many members of Blink 182 and Green Day in guest roles.
2. Sabrina the Teenage Witch (1996-2003)
Although the talking cat was good for the occasional feeling of despair, overall the show lacked much of a scare factor, or even -- Wait, this was supposed to be funny?
1. Swamp Thing (1990-1993)
Our theory about this TV series is that, after filming both Swamp Thing movies, the producers couldn't get Dick Durock out of the rubber suit (the zipper had rusted shut) and they needed to put him to work. Since the protagonist and the antagonist of the series were both scientists (one of them just very, very ugly), and they couldn't afford to have a dwarfish genetic monstrosity in every episode, the series was mostly Swamp Thing wandering the swamp, hiding behind trees and speaking cryptically, which does not make for a scary TV show. As you can see in this clip:
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Aw, come on, there was one episode of Charmed with the horror movie characters come to life that was pretty creepy. I specifically remember the Bloody Mary lady that couldn't be killed unless she fell out the window. That one scared me a bit.
Also, even though Barbas, the demon that could find out your worst fears and use them against you was acted in the most god-awful way, the concept is terrifying. Think of your worst fear and then imagine having it used against you by your worst enemy. *shudder*
Anyone remember Point Pleasant? It used every cliche in the book and still wasn't scary.
Point Pleasant was truly sucktacular and the only scary thing was them trying make LA look like New Jersey.
Point Pleasant was truly sucktacular and the only scary thing was them trying make LA look like New Jersey.
I haven't seen it since, but Kolchak was pretty darn scary to my 5-year-old self - though I admit that may not be the best measure of scariness.
Charmed it seems was purposely not scary. I doubt they built in the "So Bad It's Good" genes into the plots and executions, but "not scary" is clearly by design. The only thing scary about Charmed was the amount of time wasted in writing, acting and producing it.
I seem to recall 'Haunted' actually being fairly scary, but maybe I'm subconsciously replacing "actually scary" with "lots of potential to be actually scary." I haven't seen it since it aired, so it's possible.
I dunno, the heinous writing on 'Charmed' was pretty scary to me.
Don't forget the show that couldn't decide if it was about crime solving (season 1) or supernatural crime solving (season 2). Either way it made an entire generation want to claw their eyes out.
With fish people, sea monsters, voodoo, UFO's and vampires who could forget the short lived and under appreciated: Baywatch Nights
Shout out for Big Wolf? AWESOME.
You are all so mean, I loved Charmed.
Yes okay I only watched it because every so often Alyssa Milano would be writhing around with no clothes on, but that's a perfectly good reason to tune in to a TV show.
After all without that appeal the CW would have nothing to put on...
You're dissing "Kolchak, the Night Stalker"? I'm guessing you aren't old enough to have watched it first run, yes it seems cheesy now but at the time it was good.
I loved Charmed. It was my favorite show. I also like Ghost Whisperer. I liked them because I don't like really scary shows, but they are just enough. Yeah I know - I'm a wimp!
I agree with dave. The original Kolchak was great and it was scary. The Rakshasa was particularly scary.
I suspect Dark Shadows is likewise being unfairly judged by 2008's standards rather than the standards of its time. I wasn't around to watch it first-run, so I may be wrong, but... You can't apply 2008 special-effects and production expectations to something made in 1966. Effects have advanced a long way now, and soaps are no longer broadcast live so they actually have the opportunity to re-shoot bad performances or awkward takes (which Dark Shadows did not). Of course it looks dumb when you do that.
I also submit that it doesn't seem to me that Dark Shadows was even trying to be scary. Or funny. I don't think it fits into the two-category system proposed. It was trying to be a soap opera about the supernatural, and oddly enough, that's exactly what it achieved.
Utterly wrong about Kolchak, and Christmas Story came much later so when we watched Night Stalker, he wasn't Ralphie's dad.
Dark Shadows was VERY scary at my house. The characters all had the same names as members of the family. It was very hard not to identify with the characters.
Being 48, I was six when Dark Shadows started. I began watching like every other kid in 1967-68 when the vampire became a staple. Let me tell you how scary it was. After the movie came out (and the movie was a serious attempt at darkening Dark Shadows) my parents would not allow me to watch the final year (1971)because at 11 I was having horrible nightmares. D.S. dealt with a monster built from temporary (killed off) characters. A dream curse. A ghost who killed David, the boy who was 11, on the show. I was terrified. The music was haunting. I'm telling ya, back then it was frightening. Night of the Living Dead had just come out, that was beginning of a new whole genre really, but we at 11 year olds hadn't ever heard of half the stuff D.S. writers were coming up with. I will never forget the secret panel that lead to the east wing, where characters discovered Quentin Collins who had been sealed up in his rooms because he was a werewolf. Or the priest bricked up in the cellar. Yea, back then... a whole lot of scary shite!
Jeff you are right.
Ditto.
What about "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" from Nickelodeon? When you were a kid...some of those stories could actually freak you out!
Dave, you are so right. Night Stalker is AWESOME! I still watch the episodes on DVD.
Completely wrong about Kolchak unless you are talking about the horrendous remake. It was a great show by any standard- it was a mystery show, not a horror show. Mostly wrong on Dark Shadows- brilliant for a soap opera. Most everything else you name isn't just not scary, it's not any good, with the possible exception of Ghost Whisperer, a knockoff of Medium which is an exceptional program. Lastly, anyone who wasn't actually there for the 1970s shouldn't be talking about it as a standard. and...
BOO!
um, HELlooooooo? where in the heck is xfiles? was the author asleep for the 90's?
Cosigning the objections to labelling Dark Shadows and Kolchak lame. Both were spooky, and not in a "for their time" kind of way. By the way, what did you mean, "even by 70s standards"? Hate to tell you, but those 70s storytelling standards were sheer gold, in TV and in film. To make such a sweeping dismissive comment is, and I don't mean this unkindly, pretty ignorant.
What about the Munsters? Not scarey..
You forgot Erie, Indiana!
Hey, how about Roswell? I mean, I loved the show, but more because of the personal relationships going on between aliens and humans. So, great as it was, it wasn't scary most of the time.
Kolchak was abad@$$ for its time. Without it we wouldn't have a good slew of other sci-fi/horror shows. And personally, I think the Others was decent. It had a lot of potential.
The Night Stalker scared the @##% out of me when I was 12 and I still look upon the series fondly. Dark Shadows was more creepy than scary, but once again for its time was pretty forward stuff.
And while we're at it, let's put in good words for X-Files and Doctor Who ...
Saw an episode of 'Night Stalker' when I was in the fifth grade that scared the pants off me. It featured a creature that could take any human form and then it would eat its prey. I couldn't even call my parents to comfort me because I couldn't be sure that they weren't actually human eating zombies that just looked like my mom and dad.
Agreed about Kolchak. It was indeed good and scary by 70s standards.
May the ghost of Darrin McGavin haunt you forever.
I seem to recall Kolchak having some good, creepy episodes, and the made for TV movies even more so (The Night Strangler is pretty darn good in terms of mood and setting).
And as for Dark Shadows, I watched it in the 1990's on the SciFi Channel at 11 am, and if a nearly thirty year old, cheaply made show can send shivers down your spine at midday on a bright, sunny day, then I think that qualifies as creepy (I should note that it was the 1890's storyline that had the most creepy stuff, however; some of the other story lines were more camp than creep).
Re Dark Shadows:
"Or the priest bricked up in the cellar...." YEA! Jerry Lacy as Reverend Trask. Brilliant!
Shouldn't Twin Peaks fall somewhere in this mess?
Roswell never intended on being a scary show, nor did it 'sell itself' as one. And as for XFiles...if you didnt find some of those episodes scary..you gots problems....
Roswell never intended on being a scary show, nor did it 'sell itself' as one. And as for XFiles...if you didnt find some of those episodes scary..you gots problems....
I thought Sabrina The Teenage Witch was just an excuse for Melissa Joan Hart to wear as little as she possibly could on network TV.
I thought Sabrina The Teenage Witch was just an excuse for Melissa Joan Hart to wear as little as she possibly could on network TV.
Night Stalker was good. Supprised no one has mentioned the Twlight Zone. Most of the stuff that passes for scary today is nothing but slasher trash.
Oh, was Moonlight supposed to be scary? I was too busy drooling over Alex O'Loughlin to notice anything else about it.
Sabrina the Teenage Witch was a great show, Melissa Joan Heart has an awesome butt, and the cat was hilarious. I gave it three stars. Again, love that plump caboose and those pretty eyes.
I LOVED Kolchak, never thought it was scary, just really enjoyed watching him beat the monsters armed only with his cheap camera flash.
"Did I miss the spell? Did English go away?"