1. Mystery (The Pick Up Artist)
The goggles. The guy-liner. The gross misapprehension that he's a man to be emulated when it comes to anything, let alone pulling chicks. This Trench Coat Mafia-looking dude has made a career out of playing on women's weaknesses and using manipulative, borderline misogynist strategies to get nerds laid. I'm all for spreading the love around. Dweebs need love too after all! But teaching these poor, lovable schmucks that a way to a woman's heart is through a series of "negs" is just increasing the world's douche quota. Thanks a lot, Mystery.
2. Spencer (The Hills)
We have Spencer Pratt to thank for giving us one name, one word that encapsulates that special breed of skeevy, controlling, emotionally abusive ass mongrel that he so perfectly exemplifies. (For the slow among you, that word is Spencer.) A modern-day Machiavelli, Spencer has proven himself a terrifying real-life villain capable of destroying lives with a twinkle of his Aryan eyes. And we know this is stating the obvious, but no one with flesh-colored facial hair is to be trusted.
3. Terence (The Amazing Race)
You'd think that enduring challenges that have you globe-trotting and competing to win a boatload of cash would make you pretty busy. But despite all this, Terence finds the time to tear down his smarter, more successful and cuter girlfriend Sarah at every turn. He vilifies her for things like speaking Portuguese and trying to befriend the other contestants. It's obvious he feels threatened and emasculated by just about everyone, most of all his awesome girlfriend (what the hell is she thinking?). As Mindy so eloquently pointed out, he evokes Julia Roberts' hubby from Sleeping With The Enemy.
4. Slade (Date My Ex)
When you go on a show the premise of which is to find a new boyfriend for your ex-girlfriend, you're either the world's most magnanimous bloke or a crazy, obsessive control freak. Slade is the latter. He take every opportunity to point out to his sweet, if sort of dumb ex, Jo, all the reasons why every guy she could possibly ever date besides him is a total loser, and he does it while wearing a year's supply of pomade in his hair. Oh, and add men who wear newsboy caps to the list of people not to be trusted (see Spencer's flesh-colored facial hair above).
5. Bret Michaels (Rock of Love)
God love him, Bret is a true blue skeezy hair-metal doofus. He forces strippers and mud-wrestlers to live in a house together and compete for his affection in a series of challenges so humiliating that they go beyond amusing and land squarely on offensive. He plies them with alcohol and then gets them all to service him under the guise that he's looking for his one true love. This sort of operation is far from unusual, especially in his line of work, but broadcasting his bad deeds on TV and then trying to appease his fans by saying that he's doing it in the name of romance is a little much. Oh, and somebody get this man a new weave for god's sake.
6. Scott Baio (Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant)
Reality shows are the go-to for celebrities that are widely hated and maligned in the press. People who've suffered at the hands of the tabloids (Anna Nicole Smith, Rachel Zoe, Jessica Simpson) get themselves a camera crew and all of a sudden they're everyone's favorite inexplicably famous person. They're so relatable! So cute! So cuddly. But the opposite was true with Scott Baio. No one knew enough or cared enough to hate him until he went and made a reality show documenting first what a commitment-phobe jackass he was (Scott Baio is 45 and Single) and then, more generally, what an infantile selfish, whiny tightwad he is (Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant). That the dude thrust himself into the public eye only to prove how unlikable he is makes him all the more douchey.
7. Johnny (Real World/Road Rules Challenge)
This guy has so many mommy issues it ought to be illegal. Sure, he's on an isolated island with little food or water, forced to engage in physically taxing challenges, but there's only so much starvation and exhaustion excuses. His aggressive, misogynist tendencies (every female on the show is a dumb bitch or a ho, apparently) secure his bright future as an accomplished wife-beater. And we're not talking about an article of clothing.
8. Hugh Hefner (The Girls Next Door)
Hugh is the original Playboy. We get that the smoking jacket and the zoo and the mansion and the three blonde bimbettes are his schtick, but Christ dude, you're 82. Hang it up! You're not a pimp any more, you're just a sad, dirty old man.
9. Ryan Seacrest (American Idol)
Simon is the resident AI prick, but it's part of his persona and is therefore strangely charming. Ryan's prickitude, on the other hand, is much more insidious. His self-righteous smirks, glib remarks and backhanded compliments are doubly virulent because they issue forth from a spray-tanned, highlighted, bleach-teethed Guy Smiley. Pure evil we tell you.
10. Daniel Baldwin (Celebrity Rehab)
A self-important blow hard with an outsized ego and a substance abuse problem? Who sent inappropriate texts to an internet porn star while he was married? Wow, that's what we call a winner! Don't even get us started on his film career.
Agree or disagree? Sound off below.
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