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The Telefile
<I>The Last Templar</I>: I Watched the Whole Thing, But There’s No Reason You Should Have To So The Da Vinci Code lite met Indiana Jones lite on NBC for the past two evenings in The Last Templar, and I was going to do a straight-up review, but there isn't a whole lot to say about it other than this: It wasn't very good. It was cliché-riddled, silly, ludicrous, real preachy at the end, and all the flashbacks looked like shitty History Channel reenactments. Not to mention that it was about three hours too long, but, you know, such are miniseries.

Mira Sorvino, Scott Foley and Victor Garber are very likable actors, though, so it did have those three things going for it. And I was just going to let the whole thing go as an "oh-we-just-wanted-to-make-a-fun-and-silly-thing" kind of project, but the final minutes in which Sorvino's man-of-science archaeologist character Tess does a complete 180 (she spends a great deal of the movie talking about how much of a staunch atheist she is) and basically finds Jesus and all of a sudden respects faith out of effing nowhere and the music swells led me to believe they were serious with this thing. Which is surprising, because it was terrible. But hey, my New Year's resolution was to try to be more positive, so I'm going to focus on the only original aspect of the entire four hours now -- the truly impressive, beyond retarded dialogue. Behold, The Last Templar's finest 10 moments:

1) "That parasite tried to worm its way into your foot the way I tried to worm my way into your heart."
2) "Hey! Come back here! That doesn't belong to you!" Tess, to a gang of thieves who just pulled off an elaborate and very public artifact heist, like it could have been a mistaken luggage carousel moment or something ("you know how all these priceless artifacts look alike!)".
3) "She can dig for my priceless artifacts any day -- HELLO!"
4) "I'm the sequel to the prequel!" -- Tess, after being addressed as "Mrs. Indiana Jones." I've thought about that quote for literally ones of minutes and I still have no idea what it means.
5) "Look at that -- size nine-and-a-halfs; left foot bigger than the other." -- Scott Foley's character, glancing at some grainy surveillance footage of Tess. Because he's just that good.
6) "I'm nobody's baby!" Tess, to an unconscious gang of drifters she single-handedly beat the crap out of for calling her "baby".
7) "You're my role model! Don't let me down!" -- Tess's kid, who is a precocious and judgmental asshole.
8) "I'm married -- to the job!" -- An FBI agent, because no cliché was left unturned by this thing.
9) "You can't have issues, you're in the FBI!" -- Whatever the hell that means.
10) "You wanna dig a hole through the lava?" -- Self-explanatory.

Anyone else watch this? Or did you have the good sense to watch something less absurd, like, oh I don't know, 24 instead?

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