It's that time of year again when a new season of wannabes and has-beens put on some uncomfortable shoes and inappropriate flesh-revealing costumes in order to boogie down for the American public. This season is shaping up to be interesting, with Jewel and Nancy O'Dell dropping out because of injuries before the first episode even airs. But while some celebs are working hard, to the point of physically breaking, we imagine there are some who are just not going to get it (Steve-O, we presume). So with that in mind, we looked back at the celebrities (and we use that term loosely) from seasons past who were unable to wow us with their skills on the dance floor, no matter how hard they tried (or didn't try, in some cases). It was really a challenge to narrow this one down to 10.

While I sit trying to figure out who I have to beg around here to get a Top Scallop T-Shirt, or who I have to bribe to make sure that Anoop gets into the Top 12, I've also been scouring the internet for tasty little TV morsels to share with you.

Another year, another bonkers America's Next Top Model premiere. I'd love to sit here and itemize every single batshit thing that happened on last night's two-effing-hour crazyfest, but we'd be here until the year 2752 and my supply of Eternal Life-giving Zima is dwindling by the day. Instead I've chosen to highlight fourt revelatory incidents from the incredibly long Cycle 12 debut and make predictions as to the long-term ramifications of these happenings so as to warn sensitive viewers about the potentially scary developments that this season has in store. Z snaps!

While I'm slightly disappointed that the judges didn't deem Normund worthy of another performance, or didn't go back and pluck Jamar out of obscurity from the Hollywood rounds and give him another shot, I'm mostly happy with the picks for tonight's Wild Card competition. Though I really did think there would be more forgotten Hollywood people who didn't get to the semifinals... which I thought was part of the point, and I am still baffled about this whole process and why the judges didn't just randomly pick people they like and are forcing us to sit through yet another episode this week, but we're going to make the best of it. Here's who I think has the best shot.

This list ended up being pretty harsh, so I feel the need to preface it by saying that I really do enjoy this show. It's probably my biggest guilty pleasure -- it's a lot of fun at times (dinner parties! Conference calls! Kevin one-liners!), I think many of the performances are spectacular, and I do continue to root for it despite the many reasons any sane person would have stopped over a year ago. But I'm sorry, this show is a damn mess, and there a million things that need to be done to improve it. I'm not going to attempt to list every single one of them here, because no show can ever be perfect and a complete list would be about 20,000 words, but here are some major flaws that, if fixed, could make the show a lot less embarrassing for me to admit watching.

Hidey ho TV enthusiasts! It's Humpday! (Get your mind out of the gutter.) In today's installment of dire breaking TV-related news nonsense, we've got a funny lady, a not that funny dude, a pack of lies and some conspiracy theory scare tactics that threaten the very fiber of this fine nation of ours. See if you can figure out which is which. Cheers!

UGH! I could just about kill the judges on American Idol sometimes. Last night was almost unbearable in its utter stinkdom and proved to me beyond the shadow of a doubt that these people are effing hacks who know nothing about music. I might be the last person on Earth to discover this, and if you were planning to point that out to me, just shhhhhhhhhhhhhh. In an effort to apply the valuable lessons I've been learning in reading my bedside tome, Anger Management for Dummies, I'm going to attempt to put forth some clear, concise and well-reasoned issues I had with the things uttered by these fools last night so as to avoid blowing a damned gasket and having a spontaneous brain aneurysm from sheer rage. Bear with me.

So, Nip/Tuck has kind of a terrible reputation in the land of television -- remember all that stuff we said two months ago about this show? Yeah, we were right. And now that the second half of Season 5 is all wrapped up, I think it's safe to say that at this point the producers of the show are literally trying to shame the last remaining diehard fans into letting go. I mean really, did anyone watch the season finale last night besides me? Dear God! But hey, Nip/Tuck's final season is airing some time in 2010 -- maybe they're pulling that old trick of making us hate them so the goodbye will be easier. Guess what, show? It's working! For those of you who bailed on this formerly... let's go with "watchable" show when The Carver showed up back in 2004, here's why you missed the most maddeningly absurd season ever (and trust me, that's saying something!).

If you thought last night's White House break-in on 24 was completely ridiculous, don't worry -- it wasn't supposed to not be! That's basically what executive producer Howard Gordon said on a media call, anyway. (But honestly -- it's 24! They've always been crazy animals over there! Just go with it!) Read on for why you shouldn't look at the episode as a serious documentary on how to tunnel a hole into the White House, the potential ultimate fate of Jack Bauer, and whether or not we can expect a show-ruining Jack and Renee hookup in the near future.

What constitutes news, you might ask? An awesome celeb hosting an awards show we've never watched? That's news. Two fallen 1980s movie stars being cast in TV shows? That's news. A TV show set in the 1970s getting dropped like a bad habit? That's news. A 1990s TV star being cast in a remake of a 1980s TV show, due to appear on TV in 2010? That's a math problem, but it's also news. All those decades and more on today's... TwoP News! (Cue American Idol theme music.)