They're the greatest. You need a guy tortured? Sam's on it. You need somebody's van blown up? Fi's on it. You need your mom outta your hair? Sam's already trying to whisk her away to Disneyworld. They can do any and everything you need, they'll drop everything the instant you call to do it, and they have a response time a trillion times faster than the Flash. They're like black ops-trained genie people, except you never run out of wishes and they always have beer.
Everyone who isn't Leonard (The Big Bang Theory)
This one's admittedly cheating a little bit, because obviously this show is more of an ensemble, but I still say Leonard and Leonard's crush on Penny are the primary focal points of the show, which means Sheldon, Koothrappali and Wolowitz are sidekicks. Brilliant, hilarious, hiding-money-in-Green-Lantern's-butt sidekicks. I'll never understand why this show doesn't get half the hipster cred HIMYM does, but it kicks ratings butt, so I guess I should just shut it. Moving on!
Jenna (30 Rock)
Everyone on 30 Rock is fantastic, but Jenna is my favorite non-Lemon/non-Jack character because she'll do it, but only for the attention! Seriously, does anyone do insecure egomaniac better, funnier and with a more dazzling singing voice than Jenna? Dennis from Sunny in Philly comes close, but he's not a sidekick, so Jenna takes it.
Angela Petrelli (Heroes)
From television's newest Team Motherboy! I can't stand Peter, and most of the time Angela makes no sense to me whatsoever, but I loved these two together last week, and hope it continues in a dramatic Buster/Lucille go-on-the-lam kind of way.
Suck it, Deb haters! She is awesome! She swears like a sailor, fights like a man and cries like three baby girls. She is the one million emotions contrast to Dexter's maximum of one or two, and that's an important contrast to have when one is spending 53 minutes with a cold-blooded killer every week.
Tara (True Blood)
I like True Blood, despite how completely ridiculous it is, and Tara is largely why. We all need a Tara in our lives to call bullshit on us when we need it, and to be in our corner when we're too messed up to fight for ourselves. Even Tyra Banks would meet this girl and just pack it up, shut it down, and relinquish her official title as "Fiercest." I remember reading back when the show premiered that the actress who plays Tara, Rutina Wesley, was a recast, and the pilot had to be reshot to include her. Which is as insane to me as the time I found out Hugh Laurie had to audition for House, because no one else on earth could play that role. Rutina owns it, and the character wouldn't be half as awesome with some other girl playing her.
Big John (Rock of Love)
Because he specifically asked you not to be slutty! Where was he all the times in college I passed out on a speed bump? Big John has quite the cross to bear. And by "cross," I mean "whores."
She plays awesome '70s music, gets bad gas mileage, is full of more weapons than The Military Channel's merch closet, and she could kick KITT's candy ass in a second. I'm shocked Buffy was able to fight the dark side without one.
Murray (Flight of the Conchords)
Controversial opinion alert! Bret, Jemaine, Dave, Eugene, Mel et al are great and funnier than I will ever be, but nobody on the show makes me laugh harder than Murray does. He's the endearing glue of the series, and despite him clearly being the worst band manager in the history of the world, I can completely see why the guys don't fire him.
Cameron (Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles)
Especially when she actually gets to do her job and fight other Terminators. It rarely happens anymore because the show has no money and one foot in the grave, but watching her thwap that metal water boy last week was, as Season 1 Cameron would say, "tight."
Even at the show's lowest, most tired, most goddammit Braff! points, Turkelton has always been consistently hilarious. He does a kick-ass Neil Diamond impression, too.
People who are not on this list, but for good reasons:
Because he is the star. Of the world.
Same reason as Chuck Bass.
He's cute and a sympathetic character much of the time, but no one else on House really matters but House, as far as I'm concerned.
I love her, and she is my second favorite TV nerd ever (no one is wondering who number one is, but number one is Marshall Flinkman), but the show would still be just as awesome without her. Like House, 24 is really just about one ridiculously awesome man and one ridiculously awesome man only. Everyone else just fills in the time where Jack is ostensibly peeing or stopping at In-N-Out for fuel, animal-style.
Ivanka Trump (Celebrity Apprentice)
People who are not on this list because I don't know who they are, as there are only 24 hours in a damn day and I can't possibly watch every single thing that's on television, but I understand they're quite popular, so here's an honorary shout-out:
Morgan from Chuck.
The goth girl from NCIS.
Chloe from Smallville.
The brown-haired girl from Life.
Someone from Bones, inevitably.
Someone from Torchwood, probably.
Your favorites? Leave 'em in the comments, por favor.
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