8:00 AM -- 9:00 AM: Jack decides to do a little sightseeing before he's inevitably roped into some harrowing all-day conflict, so he passes up eight overflowing 6 trains to the Guggenheim until he finds one he can fit on. As per 6 train usual, a riot breaks out on the platform each time a train comes, which Jack single-handedly diffuses. Modern art time! Jack's favorite!
9:00 AM -- 10:00 AM: Renee calls. Someone's put the band back together, and CTU needs Jack. Something about a Snuggie bar crawl being infiltrated by terrorists. Jack is on his way.
10:00 AM -- 11:00 AM: Jack gets sidelined when he realizes his higher calling: to make the Rockefeller Center Ice Rink outside the TWoP offices stop playing "My Heart Will Go On" 50 times a day.
11:00 AM -- 12:00 PM: Jack tortures the Ice Rink's playlist until it stops playing crap. While he's there, he also stops by The Today Show and puts Willard Scott out of his misery. Oh no, Jack is a wanted man again!
12:00 PM -- 1:00 PM: Chloe offers Jack a hiding place with one of her old college buddies in Brooklyn, but "Dammit!" Thwarted again! iPod war on the L Train. Chloe uploads the new Silversun Pickups to Jack's PDA and he p0wns the poseurs.
1:00 PM -- 2:00 PM: Meanwhile, back at CTU, their cooperative witness in the SnugCrawl infiltration, the Naked Cowboy, turns out to be the mole. Times Square has to annoy itself until he gets out of federal custody.
2:00 PM -- 3:00 PM: Jack waits for Chloe's friend at a Brooklyn bar and tries to blend in by pretending to know what Eastbound and Down is.
3:00 PM -- 4:00 PM: After some liquid courage, Jack picks up like 60 extra bucks challenging people to Big Buck Hunter Safari tournaments, as he is the only one who can resist shooting the giraffes. He's also the only one who can put away 12 PBRs without falling over.
4:00 PM -- 5:00 PM: The CTU manhunt for Jack is in full-swing when Renee cracks the Naked Cowboy. His accomplices? Those Pete Wentz-lookin' idiots at Angels and Kings.
5:00 PM -- 6:00 PM: Eugene Mirman takes over Jack's bar, and no one wants to play Big Buck Hunter Safari anymore. Jack is all alone in the big city. Just like he was for the second act of The Cowboy Way.
6:00 PM -- 7:00 PM: Renee calls again. She needs Jack's help with the SnugCrawl terrorists, and can offer him immunity for killing national treasure Willard Scott if he helps her. Jack agrees, and starts to make his way in to CTU. That Angels and Kings storyline goes nowhere, because sometimes that happens on this show.
7:00 PM -- 8:00 PM: Jack's only been in New York for 12 hours and he's already sick of hearing about Momofuku.
8:00 PM -- 9:00 PM: Jack arrives at CTU. Does Renee have any theories about who would want to blow up the SnugCrawl? She has two. Surveillance and wire transfers (just go with it) point to two suspects: Donald Trump and beloved star of Law & Order: SVU Richard Belzer. Time to move on up to the East Side for some ringing of the Belz, if you know what I mean.
9:00 PM -- 10:00 PM: Random parade happening. (Yes, a night parade!) Jack and Renee wait an hour to cross 5th Ave.
10:00 PM -- 11:00 PM: Argue with the cab driver, who said they could use a credit card when they got in, but when they got to their destination he claims he turned off the machine and they have to pay cash, which Jack calls bullshit on, and Renee tries to reason with him, but he's being a total dick, and this whole thing just goes on and on until Jack snaps the cab driver's neck into the local Fox news.
11:00 PM -- 12:00 AM: Jack and Renee sneak into Belz's trailer on the L&O set, where Jack roars "WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?" at him while he quirkily smirks back. Renee gives Jack non-stop torture-is-bad meaningful stares and nothing gets accomplished, not even the photo-op with Ice-T that Renee's wanted since 1991.
12:00 AM -- 1:00 AM: Defeated, Jack and Renee ride a rickshaw back to CTU. They stop at Crumbs on the way, because everyone knows their cupcakes are better than Magnolia's. Also, Renee has become quite the stress eater since leaving Washington. Jack continues to pretend he hasn't noticed she's gained 40 pounds of cupcake fluff.
1:00 AM -- 2:00 AM: Back at CTU, Chloe interrupts their cupcake party to announce that she has cracked Trump's e-mails. It turns out he's been trying to blow up the SnugCrawl because he's sick of drunk hipsters passing out in his West Side construction sites wearing only Jäger-soaked Snuggies-- Umm, because he is a misguided patriot? Yes, that's why. He's a patriot. Don't ask questions. Blowing up the SnugCrawl is for the greater good, as far as he's concerned. It's 24!
2:00 AM -- 3:00 AM: Boardroom time.
3:00 AM -- 4:00 AM: Trump flees to the helicopter deck on the roof.
4:00 AM -- 5:00 AM: Jack follows him.
5:00 AM -- 6:00 AM: Trump stares at Jack.
6:00 AM -- 7:00 AM: Jack stares at Trump.
7:00 AM -- 8:00 AM: Jack kills Trump. Joan Rivers takes over The Apprentice.
Wow, writing 24 is so much harder than I thought! I will never make fun of them again! (Of course I will.) Anyway, yay NYC season!
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