1. Zoila (Flipping Out)
Helpful, submissive, accustomed to working with a controlling crazy person. Not sure how well she'd do around the incessantly vomiting children (why do they vomit all the time???), but she's ideal in regard to everything else. This is probably Kate's best bet.

2. Chris Harrison (The Bachelor/Bachelorette)
He's used to dealing with whiny, broken people, and from what we've seen, the Gosselin kids are probably more mature than any of the Bachelors or Bachelorettes. And it's not like he has any dignity left for Kate to take away. This is a step up for him!

3. Bear Gyrlls (Man vs. Wild)
Self-explanatory. And almost as perfectly suited for taking on this family as Zoila is. Almost.

4. Mike Rowe (Dirty Jobs)
He rolls around in cockroaches for a living, so it's not like he's squeamish. He could jump in when Kate's too grossed out to deal with Leah, who can vomit on cue, and the rest of them, who usually have something disgusting all over them or coming out of them.

5. Jillian Michaels (The Biggest Loser)
They could team up to prepare healthy, organic meals for the kids. And all those issues with Jon being a lazy, out of shape mouth-breather who is reluctant to discipline? A thing of the past! Those kids would be like West Point grads after living in that house for a season.

6. Simon van Kempen (The Real Housewives of New York)
So what if he has a creepily possessive relationship with the wife he already has? If Kate's going to choose a life of fame whoring at the expense of her family, she might as well be taught by the master. Plus we'd love to see Maddy do a number on those feral van Kempen children. And Kate do a number on Kelly Bensimon as well, for that matter.

7. Judge Judy (Judge Judy)
We don't watch much of Judge Judy these days because it is no longer 1996 and the novelty has worn off a bit, but Hugh Jackman tells us she's still quite the ball-buster. Her robes might get dirty when they take the kids out to play, but at least Kate would have someone to fight with and the kids wouldn't get away with anything anymore.

8. Ashley (Rock of Love, Charm School)
First of all, she's a fantastic cook. So that would be helpful. Plus she's great with kids, comfortable with confrontation, and when Kate is being "Lame!" she'd helpfully let her know it. We all need a little Ashley in our lives, but Kate needs her the most.

9. Tabatha Coffey (Tabatha's Salon Takeover)
Pretty much just to strap Kate down and fix that damn hair.

10. Gordon Ramsay (Hell's Kitchen)
He can dish it out as well as he can take it, and he values proactivity as much as Kate does. As long as he reserved the yelling for Kate and didn't destroy the children's self esteem by calling them donkeys or donuts or something, this is a team that could run that household like the salmonella-free kitchen of Gordon's dreams. John Dory for every Gosselin! Except Jon, obviously!

Other Jon replacement suggestions? Anecdotes about how this show makes your heart cry? Pleas for new Kate hair? Leave 'em in the comments!