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The Telefile
Scattered Impressions of the Michael Jackson Memorial Well, to be honest, I had all these great things to say about the Michael Jackson memorial, but then the sight of his young daughter sobbing into a microphone just completely knocked the snark out of me. Honestly, that poor kid. My god. It's going to take me a while to get over that. But the blog must go on! And since this was the biggest televised event in the history of televised events, let's run down some of the highlights and lowlights of Hollywood's tribute to the biggest star the world has ever known.

First of all, let's just get this issue out of the way: what the hell happened to Mariah's voice? Was she sick? Was she trying not to cry? Did she have a face full of botox? I've never heard her sound so terrible. Also, that fake church background that was used for the entire service was ridiculous. Alright, on to some good moments for a while.

This probably sounds weird, but I actually loved all the Jackson brothers wearing one sparkly glove. I can't quite put my finger on why, but it just felt like a nice, loving gesture. Also, sparkles for the win, in any situation.

Brooke Shields gave the most genuine, heartfelt eulogy by any non-Jackson of the morning by far. It was like she was the only person there who understands what funerals are. She was also one of the few people there who never made money off of Michael, as our lovely recapper Cindy McLennan reminded me. Very classily done, Brooke.

And while that may have been the most appropriate eulogy, Magic Johnson had the best Michael anecdote ever. KFC with the King of Pop? Amazing. I don't know if he has, because I follow basketball about as closely as I follow professional curling, but he should have been telling that story to everyone who would listen for years by now.

This is going to be controversial in the comments, but for my money, Jennifer Hudson's performance blew me away the most out of anybody's. Did not expect anyone to sing the Free Willy song, and I certainly never expected the Free Willy song to be so powerfully entertaining. She looked fantastic, too, despite being 47 months pregnant.

Now for some less-than-impressive moments. First of all, there was a tendency throughout the whole thing to express that Michael Jackson did supernatural things like make Magic Johnson a better point guard just by being such an amazing entertainer, for example. And of course Michael Jackson was an amazing entertainer and in several aspects a very inspirational figure, but Magic Johnson was a phenomenal point guard because Magic Johnson was a phenomenal point guard. It is possible to pay tribute to someone without cheapening it by just making overreaching crap up. Brooke Shields managed to do it without saying the Thriller album made her Calvins fit better.

Al Sharpton was Al Sharpton. Nothing more, nothing less.

Personally, I was disappointed that the rumors of a Beyonce performance turned out to not be true. You already know how I feel about Justin Timberlake, so it shouldn't be a shock that I was relieved he didn't show up.

So let me get this straight -- that Congresswoman came to shout a lot and then alert us to the fact that she's enacting a congressional resolution that declares that Michael Jackson was a very famous person? Now, I know that congressional resolutions are often meaningless like this -- I've seen The West Wing -- but, you know, c'mon, lady. This was a funeral, not a voter's rally, and her speech was ridiculously tacky.

Usher sang with aviators on, and then had the nerve to touch the casket during his performance, the only performer to do so. I understand he may have had the glasses on because he was embarrassed about crying or something, and I do admit that he sounded great, as he always does, but take those sunglasses off, jackass.

And how dare you, John Mayer.

Lionel Richie sounded so good! I'm not familiar with the song "Jesus is Love," but I guess it's really well-known? It sounds familiar? Anyway, he did a nice, tasteful job, and didn't seem to me like he was making it all about him. Ditto for Stevie Wonder.

And now, it's time to talk about the Britain's Got Talent kid, Shaheen Jafargholi. Obviously, the kid is wildly talented, and a genuine Michael Jackson superfan. I am not questioning those two things. But yikes, bringing him on to perform at a funeral for someone who was so psychologically damaged from (among many things) entering show business at too young an age, seemed... inappropriate. But, hey, more power to the kid. He sounded great.

And Janet was just breathtakingly gorgeous. Her helping Paris with her mic stand and then hugging her when she cried just killed me. So sad.

Your thoughts about the memorial? Leave them below.

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