BLOGS
Sunday marks the dawn of 2009's Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, an annual tradition in which we sit down and watch crazy people swim with sharks and almost get their arms bitten off. It's the most fun you'll have with nature all year! So in honor of Tracy Jordan's favorite television event, we thought we'd assemble our own shark tank. You know, for the office. Here are the biggest, scariest, sharkiest predators on television right now.
Jack Bauer (24)
He once bit someone's throat out (dull human teeth be damned), he tends to hide and wait for his prey to pass by him to attack, he never stops moving, and it's unclear how he sleeps. Jack's really more of a literal shark than a figurative one. The show's not big on metaphor.
Georgina Sparks (Gossip Girl)
She has a history of leaving people for dead and possible murdered (her "You don't have to worry about her ever again" comment regarding Poppy Lifton was terrifyingly vague), and she'll do whatever she has to do to get what she wants, with zero conscience. The only thing that has ever stopped the diabolical wrath of Georgina Sparks was Blair Waldorf, the universally acknowledged Roy Scheider of the Upper East Side.
Eric Northman (True Blood)
He's a pale, bitey predator with a keen sense of smell and a perseverant attitude when it comes to finding his way to food or Sookie. For what it's worth, I bet he'd be good at pool, too, if he ever tried it.
Brenda Leigh Johnson (The Closer)
She's a vicious eating machine/interrogator with little regard for the feelings of perps and/or burritos. Confeyuss!!!
Dexter Morgan (Dexter)
He likes to stalk his prey before he pounces, and though he probably likes to play with his victims a lot more than real sharks do, he definitely shares that solitary hunter aspect in common with most of them. And their love of bacon.
Patty Hewes (Damages)
Like sharks, Patty Hewes is terrifying. If you endanger her interests and are perceived as a threat, or even just happen to know something useful that can help her win a case, she will take what she needs and then destroy you, plain and simple. And your dog, too, in certain cases.
The Smoke Monster (Lost)
Originally I was going to say that the Dharma shark from Lost is a shark, because you really can't argue that he's not, but then I remembered that guy is probably chum now, considering trigger-happy Michael shot him three seasons ago. But the Smoke Monster is a scarier predator anyway -- even Ben is afraid of it. It may sound like a fun rollercoaster, but it pretty much ate Greg Grunberg in the pilot, and everybody else it doesn't like gets thrown around the island to death like a jungle rag doll.
Wilhelmina Slater (Ugly Betty)
She's the most fabulous conqueror in history. Wilhelmina can masterfully lie, scheme, manipulate, and condescend 24/7 without even breaking a sweat. Bitch downright stole somebody's baby to secure her position at Mode, and then just went to work with that person every day like nothing even happened.
Dennis Reynolds (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
You got a girlfriend? Then it's probably best not to cross Dennis, or he'll don his best skin tight body suit or dramatically pop open his shirt and "bang her" in a second. Particularly if she's still in high school.
Kim Kaswell (Drop Dead Diva)
Tact is nary a concern for Kim Kaswell when she's after something or someone. She routinely throws her co-workers under the bus to get ahead, and she lied to a grieving hunk in order to trick him into going out with her, even though she knew his girlfriend had just died a few days prior. As Jane herself pointed out, "every woman [is] a threat, every man [is] a conquest" to Kim. She's a maaaneaterrr.
The Bachelor (The Bachelor)
No matter who he is at the time, the Bachelor always proves to have an unrivaled need to pursue and then successively chew on ladies' faces when given the opportunity. There is very rarely more than one survivor of these attacks per season.
Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
Barney isn't evil, he just loves the ladies. Except he goes through them like most people go through toilet paper, and disposes of them in pretty much exactly the same way.
Sylar (Heroes)
A big fan of murder, Sylar has been on a serial killing binge with a side project in torture for several years now. And though we found out fairly recently that he does not eat the brains he likes to play with, hunting people and using them to his advantage still remains his favorite pastime, which is awfully sharky.
Your favorite sharks? Leave their stories below!
He once bit someone's throat out (dull human teeth be damned), he tends to hide and wait for his prey to pass by him to attack, he never stops moving, and it's unclear how he sleeps. Jack's really more of a literal shark than a figurative one. The show's not big on metaphor.
Georgina Sparks (Gossip Girl)
She has a history of leaving people for dead and possible murdered (her "You don't have to worry about her ever again" comment regarding Poppy Lifton was terrifyingly vague), and she'll do whatever she has to do to get what she wants, with zero conscience. The only thing that has ever stopped the diabolical wrath of Georgina Sparks was Blair Waldorf, the universally acknowledged Roy Scheider of the Upper East Side.
Eric Northman (True Blood)
He's a pale, bitey predator with a keen sense of smell and a perseverant attitude when it comes to finding his way to food or Sookie. For what it's worth, I bet he'd be good at pool, too, if he ever tried it.
Brenda Leigh Johnson (The Closer)
She's a vicious eating machine/interrogator with little regard for the feelings of perps and/or burritos. Confeyuss!!!
Dexter Morgan (Dexter)
He likes to stalk his prey before he pounces, and though he probably likes to play with his victims a lot more than real sharks do, he definitely shares that solitary hunter aspect in common with most of them. And their love of bacon.
Patty Hewes (Damages)
Like sharks, Patty Hewes is terrifying. If you endanger her interests and are perceived as a threat, or even just happen to know something useful that can help her win a case, she will take what she needs and then destroy you, plain and simple. And your dog, too, in certain cases.
The Smoke Monster (Lost)
Originally I was going to say that the Dharma shark from Lost is a shark, because you really can't argue that he's not, but then I remembered that guy is probably chum now, considering trigger-happy Michael shot him three seasons ago. But the Smoke Monster is a scarier predator anyway -- even Ben is afraid of it. It may sound like a fun rollercoaster, but it pretty much ate Greg Grunberg in the pilot, and everybody else it doesn't like gets thrown around the island to death like a jungle rag doll.
Wilhelmina Slater (Ugly Betty)
She's the most fabulous conqueror in history. Wilhelmina can masterfully lie, scheme, manipulate, and condescend 24/7 without even breaking a sweat. Bitch downright stole somebody's baby to secure her position at Mode, and then just went to work with that person every day like nothing even happened.
Dennis Reynolds (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
You got a girlfriend? Then it's probably best not to cross Dennis, or he'll don his best skin tight body suit or dramatically pop open his shirt and "bang her" in a second. Particularly if she's still in high school.
Kim Kaswell (Drop Dead Diva)
Tact is nary a concern for Kim Kaswell when she's after something or someone. She routinely throws her co-workers under the bus to get ahead, and she lied to a grieving hunk in order to trick him into going out with her, even though she knew his girlfriend had just died a few days prior. As Jane herself pointed out, "every woman [is] a threat, every man [is] a conquest" to Kim. She's a maaaneaterrr.
The Bachelor (The Bachelor)
No matter who he is at the time, the Bachelor always proves to have an unrivaled need to pursue and then successively chew on ladies' faces when given the opportunity. There is very rarely more than one survivor of these attacks per season.
Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
Barney isn't evil, he just loves the ladies. Except he goes through them like most people go through toilet paper, and disposes of them in pretty much exactly the same way.
Sylar (Heroes)
A big fan of murder, Sylar has been on a serial killing binge with a side project in torture for several years now. And though we found out fairly recently that he does not eat the brains he likes to play with, hunting people and using them to his advantage still remains his favorite pastime, which is awfully sharky.
Your favorite sharks? Leave their stories below!
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Television Without Pity • © 2012 Bravo Media LLC • A Division of NBCUniversal •
This years Shark Week has revealed a bacchanalia of man made shark horror well beyond any concerns the shark conservation community and commercial shark diving community could have fathomed.
Without a doubt Discovery Networks have reinvented Sea Monsters, erroneously establishing the shark as the most feared predator on the planet.
34 years after JAWS, and 34 years of conservation science discoveries, pro-shark media, and conservation themed initiatives have been swept away by the 2009 Discovery Channel anti-shark juggernaut. This year broadcast in gory, blood soaked HD, to an estimated 30 million domestic viewers.
Great for advertising revenues, lousy for the perception of sharks worldwide who have been thrown back to the stone age with last nights docu drama, "Blood in the water" and this weeks entire line up of gratuitous Shark Porn.
As a commercial shark diving operator I find over hyping one small facet of a sharks entire Raison d'etre to be patently dishonest and a disservice to animals that are suffering one of the highest rates of destruction on the planet.
Approximately 90 million sharks are killed each year. That's a stunning statistic. And yet Discovery Networks feels compelled to bring back the 1970's shark mythos, blood and fear, with absolutely no Sympathy for the Devil.
At the same time Discovery Networks have rolled out a simply draconian and somewhat East Bloc ham fisted media campaign showing conservation for sharks. An afterthought pushed out by Discovery and it's hand selected group of "Shark Porn Programming Apologists" to mollify the growing push back from an appalled research, science, and commercial dive community.
To those who are supporting the very dark decision by Discovery Network executives to bring back, promote, and hype the fear of sharks, rethink your position.
At a critical time when sharks, as a measure of the health of our oceans, need as much support as we can give them, programming decisions that demonize these animals for ratings, ad sales, and corporate profits are wrong, dishonest, and bordering on fraudulent.
Discovery started Shark Week 20 years ago with programming that was fresh, alive and informative. Our company along with many others have been involved in some of that programming and happy with the results.
Early Shark Week programming started with unflinching production companies striving to produce they best they could, fully engaging local operators to introduce them to the full range of shark behaviors.
Discovery has officially lost it's way. It can come back, hopefully this is the final year of Shark Porn. Hopefully those within the community who are currently in bed with Discovery Networks "will see the light".
As both the alcohol and tobacco industries have discovered you cannot sell these toxic brands to minors and then ask them to "drink and smoke responsibly".
Discovery Networks cannot sell fear and loathing of sharks...and then push for conservation.
Cheers,
Patric Douglas CEO
www.sharkdiver.com
www.sharkdivers.com
www.sharkdivers.blogspot.com
www.guadalupefund.org
www.islandofthegreatwhiteshark.com
415.235.9410
I have to agree. The programming this year went waaaay over the top. What happened to the cool Shark Week of years past?
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