BLOGS

The Telefile
Characters Who Could Learn from Mischa Barton's 'Sober Coach' When a rumor broke that The Beautiful Life's producers had hired a "sober coach" to babysit Mischa Barton and keep her able to work, we thought, hey, great idea! Not for this particular case, of course, because she probably shouldn't be leaving rehab early to make a crappy CW show, but the idea of hiring specific coaches for people on other shows could really improve some of our favorite characters.

David Caruso -- Acting Coach
Removing your sunglasses a lot is not all that is required, sir.

Kim Zolciak -- Delusion Coach
Because for some reason she refuses to listen to the truth bombs Nene drops on her, and she really does need to know. And don't worry -- having someone else around who blatant tells her she can't sing, has polyester hair and looks 45 won't deter her at all from acting a fool on television like we like, and those scenes would be amazing to watch.

PC (NYC Prep) -- Anger Management Coach
Leaving PC's probable sexuality issues and subsequent frustration related to them out of it, this kid tends to overreact to really stupid things. If you're already losing it and calling your friends fat c-words for seating you in the second row of a fashion show at 18, it's time to reexamine your life. At 18. Seriously, somebody save PC.

Ben Linus -- Answering a Straightforward Question in a Straightforward, Truthful Manner Coach
He probably also needs a "being covered in something other than blood" coach, but this matter is much more pressing. The answer to "what is the monster" is not "I don't know," and when you tell someone you've been instructed to "move the island," you wanna elaborate a bit, you cryptic bastard?

Serena van der Woodsen -- Having More Than One Facial Expression Coach
I sort of secretly love Serena and think she's outright wonderful, but I can't recall any other TV character who was ever so gorgeous yet so boring to look at. She just makes that one face! No matter what! You know the one.

Michael Westen (Burn Notice) -- Simply Accepting Money for Your Work Like a Normal Person Coach
It started out as a way to show us what a great guy Michael is, and has now become a sort of inside joke between the show and its viewers, but it's time Michael started accepting payment for risking his and his friends' asses for his clients. We'll still consider Michael a saint, show, don't worry.

Claire Bennet (Heroes) -- Stupid Coach
OK, so yes, a lot of people on this show could use a stupid coach to help them be less stupid. But Claire continues to disobey HRG over and over again, with some tragedy always befalling her as a consequence, and every time expects a different result from this behavior. With few exceptions, HRG knows everything, Claire. Deal with it.

Maryann Forrester (True Blood) -- Being a Half-Decent Houseguest 101 Coach
Seriously, Maryann, how would you like it if someone invited the whole town over to have orgies and human sacrifices at your house every night, and then bitched about coffee and water heaters all morning before getting bunny blood all over the nice furniture in the afternoon?

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

MOST RECENT POSTS

BLOG ARCHIVES

The Telefile

March 2014

25 ENTRIES

February 2014

24 ENTRIES

January 2014

43 ENTRIES

December 2013

15 ENTRIES

November 2013

28 ENTRIES

October 2013

40 ENTRIES

September 2013

37 ENTRIES

August 2013

16 ENTRIES

July 2013

15 ENTRIES

June 2013

26 ENTRIES

May 2013

38 ENTRIES

April 2013

43 ENTRIES

March 2013

35 ENTRIES

February 2013

58 ENTRIES

January 2013

62 ENTRIES

December 2012

48 ENTRIES

November 2012

60 ENTRIES

October 2012

71 ENTRIES

September 2012

67 ENTRIES

August 2012

66 ENTRIES

July 2012

51 ENTRIES

June 2012

60 ENTRIES

May 2012

70 ENTRIES

April 2012

73 ENTRIES

March 2012

72 ENTRIES

February 2012

64 ENTRIES

January 2012

80 ENTRIES

The Latest Activity On TwOP