The world is still reeling from the news that that the queen of daytime television will be abandoning her current talk show at the end of next season. Well, maybe it's just the world of stay-at-home moms and the unemployed that's reeling, but regardless, the question on everyone's minds is: what will Ms. Winfrey do next? While many consider it a given that she'll simply star on a new series on OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network, natch), we think that she should set her sights a little higher. Primetime high. Here's our unsolicited job advice for her:
10. Star in Her Own CSI Spin-Off
CSI: Chicago would be a natural fit for Oprah. We imagine that upon seeing a dead body, she would react much like she does when Dr. Oz is educating her talk show audience: "Look at all that bloooooooood! I didn't know that could haaaaappppen!"
9. Record a Cross-Country Trip With Gayle
Perhaps Oprah and her bestie Gayle King can continue the road trip they began three summers ago, but do it in front of cameras. We could see them nitpick each other to no end, but then eventually make up because Oprah and Gayle go together like peanut butter and jelly. This road trip would also show us how rich people view the world. Remember when Oprah admitted that she hadn't pumped gas since 1983?
8. Become Liz Lemon's Spiritual Advisor on 30 Rock
Oprah's guest spot last season could be reprised and extended, provided Liz hallucinates on a regular basis. Since every successful (or just creepy) person seems to have a spiritual advisor these days, Oprah could help Liz with positive affirmations and suggestions for how to make Dealbreakers a worldwide obsession -- kind of like what Oprah did with The Secret, except the secret really wasn't a secret.
7. Join The Biggest Loser with Trainer Bob Greene
We're all painfully familiar with Oprah's on-and-off love affair with exercise, so who better to bring some love and understanding to The Biggest Loser? This reality series would turn into the huggiest, most tear-filled thing on TV - ever (move over, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition). The original Bob of personal-trainer fame would totally kick that other Bob's ass, too.
6. Play a Vampire on True Blood
Oprah used to set trends, telling a rapt audience which favorite things to buy and books to read. But there's one major pop-culture trend that she completely failed to anticipate or influence: vampires. A recurring spot on True Blood would take care of that, making her relevant to a new generation of women. Plus, we'd love to see her with those cool F/X retractable fangs.
5. Become a Top Chef Judge
Oprah likes food. [Insert obligatory Oprah weight joke here.] Her former personal chef, Art Smith, competed on Top Chef Masters this summer, so why shouldn't O head over to Top Chef as a guest judge? Maybe in refreshing contrast to Toby "It pleases my palate" Young, Oprah could make "Mmmm..." sounds when the dishes are good, like real people do.
4. Appear on Castle.
Oprah really, really likes books. Granted, some of the past choices for her book club were a bit questionable quality-wise, it's not as though everything that Richard Castle writes is a Pulitzer Prize winner. Oprah probably appreciates a solid murder mystery, so it could be a good thing for her to exercise her crime-solving skills a la Jessica Fletcher alongside Nathan Fillion.
3. Launch I Want to Work for Oprah on MTV
If Diddy can somehow still manage to get hundreds of naive people compete for the privilege of fetching him his Perrier water, Oprah could probably find thousands willing to sacrifice their personal lives and future goals for a shot at sharing in the O lifestyle. Hell, maybe we'll sign up. Challenges on the show could include finding out who can draw out syllables while yelling for the longest amount of time and compiling a list of favorite things for Oprah to review.
2. Become a Producer of The Tyra Banks Show and a Judge on America's Next Top Model
For some reason, Oprah is really nice to Tyra, even though it's all too clear that The Trya Banks Show is a poor, vulgar imitation of The Oprah Winfrey Show. If Oprah helped Tyra with both of her ventures, then perhaps the former model wouldn't devote so much of her talk show on topics such as rating women's ankles, while on ANTM, O could provide sound advice on fashion, body image and bloody eyeballs in a positive, affirming manner.
1. Be a Contestant on Celebrity Apprentice
If anyone can outshine The Donald in terms of power, recognition and wealth (not to mention ego), it's Oprah. Just imagine how entertainingly intimidating she would be with her attaché case and pantsuit when pitted against the lamer, poorer celebs on the show. And Oprah vs. Omarosa in the boardroom would be worthy of Pay-Per-View.
Instead of television, should Oprah join President Obama's cabinet as the Living Your Truth Czar, Secretary of Major Appliance Distribution or Librarian-in-Chief? Watch what vloggers Beth & Val think in this video:
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