The most obvious washed-up choice, Lindsay's like what Sharon Stone would have been if she hadn't waited until her 40s to implode. If anyone was ever born to play a college madam who's sexually assaulting her own call girls out of sheer insanity, it's Lindsay Lohan. She's not a very good actor, but neither is Ludacris, and they let him on. It'll be fine.
True, he was recently (terrible) in The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, but after a sex tape scandal, followed by an unfortunate dressed-up-like-a-bear-eating-a-pot-of-honey-on-television scandal, his career is far from its Mini-Me heyday. Have him play a Ukrainian sex worker held captive by human traffickers who specialize in a little-people-fetishist clientele.
James Van Der Beek
The poor guy's been reduced to a recurring role on Mercy. Mercy! Can't somebody store him as a Pulp Fiction-style gimp in their basement or something for a couple episodes? It would be less degrading.
Meet the new bailiff!
He doesn't need the money, but aside from a so-so cameo in Inglourious Basterds, he hasn't produced a decent product since the first Shrek in 2001. And he can definitely do creepy -- his scenes in 54 gave me nightmares for years. Make him a bestiality addict who murders pet owners so he can have his way with their furry four-legged friends.
But hurry up -- Sharon Stone prosecuting Nicolas Cage for indecent exposure while murdering would be the funniest cartoon in the world. (More for the indecent exposure than the murdering.)
Calm down. She's wonderful -- I am in no way saying she's not. But after willingly participating in When in Rome, Couples Retreat and Astro Boy, her return to the network television guest circuit is likely just tick-tock now. Give a shout-out to her original fans by hiring her to play a high school teacher who secretly starts a mass e-mail of forged student "Purity Tests" that lead to a string of teen suicides. This isn't rocket science; it's SVU.
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