Lindsay Lohan
The most obvious washed-up choice, Lindsay's like what Sharon Stone would have been if she hadn't waited until her 40s to implode. If anyone was ever born to play a college madam who's sexually assaulting her own call girls out of sheer insanity, it's Lindsay Lohan. She's not a very good actor, but neither is Ludacris, and they let him on. It'll be fine.

Verne Troyer
True, he was recently (terrible) in The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, but after a sex tape scandal, followed by an unfortunate dressed-up-like-a-bear-eating-a-pot-of-honey-on-television scandal, his career is far from its Mini-Me heyday. Have him play a Ukrainian sex worker held captive by human traffickers who specialize in a little-people-fetishist clientele.

James Van Der Beek
The poor guy's been reduced to a recurring role on Mercy. Mercy! Can't somebody store him as a Pulp Fiction-style gimp in their basement or something for a couple episodes? It would be less degrading.

Dustin Diamond
Meet the new bailiff!

Mike Myers
He doesn't need the money, but aside from a so-so cameo in Inglourious Basterds, he hasn't produced a decent product since the first Shrek in 2001. And he can definitely do creepy -- his scenes in 54 gave me nightmares for years. Make him a bestiality addict who murders pet owners so he can have his way with their furry four-legged friends.

Nicolas Cage
But hurry up -- Sharon Stone prosecuting Nicolas Cage for indecent exposure while murdering would be the funniest cartoon in the world. (More for the indecent exposure than the murdering.)

Kristen Bell
Calm down. She's wonderful -- I am in no way saying she's not. But after willingly participating in When in Rome, Couples Retreat and Astro Boy, her return to the network television guest circuit is likely just tick-tock now. Give a shout-out to her original fans by hiring her to play a high school teacher who secretly starts a mass e-mail of forged student "Purity Tests" that lead to a string of teen suicides. This isn't rocket science; it's SVU.