Friday Night Lights: The Dillon Panthers Get a New Charter School Rival Team
The South Dillon Masturbating Bears! Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose... to self-pleasuring forest animals.

Meet the New Heroes Hero: The Walker, Texas Ranger Lever
Since Heroes has been perfectly content to avoid doing any storytelling whatsoever for the past two seasons, The Walker, Texas Ranger Lever will use its power to interrupt dull storylines like Sylar trying to find himself, Claire wallowing in righteous indignation, and Parkman becoming a domestic goddess in order to bring us a few seconds of something actually entertaining. It can't get in the way of the show's narrative, which currently consists of "There's this carnival? There's a carnival.", and it would make a nice love interest for Tracy, should we have to endure a fifth season. I also wouldn't mind if Joel Goddard took over Mohinder's voiceover duties.

Parks and Recreation: Preparation H Raymond Moves to Pawnee
And that's how Leslie Knope met her husband. (Because Louis CK got a job at FX.)

30: Rock: Noches de Pasion Recasts Conando with The Generalissimo
This show definitely does not need more Salma Hayek, but it does need more of Alec Baldwin as the telenovela character The Generalissimo that her presence brought. Maybe Lemon gets a few free DVDs with her 1,000th purchase of Sabor de Soledad and has herself a marathon weekend?

Chuck: Meet Jeffster!'s Opening Band: The Slipnuts
They're secretly assassins. When they slip on a nut, bullets explode out of it.

Meet the New Caprica Cylon: Pimpbot 5000
He doesn't so much want to wipe out the human race as he wants to drive an Eldorado and fight the bones of Bob Dole. They're trying something different with the prequel.

Meet the Newest Real Housewife of New York: Horny Manatee!
She has a scandalous internet porn past, and the other girls (except Simon, who loves it) are scandalized.

Burn Notice: In a Hilarious Vengeance Prank by Fi, Frankenstein Wastes an Hour of Michael Westen's Time
"I'm trying to help you! Why do you keep leading me down long hallways just to show me a light socket?!" -- Michael Westen. Greatest Burn Notice episode ever? Greatest departure episode of any show ever? No, of course not. But at least we'd get to see this bit again before we die.

Honorary mentions: Access Hollywood's new recurring feature "Secrets!", and Pam's new art project "If They Mated", featuring deformed Photoshopped fruits of the Scranton branch's loins. Your suggestions?