Juicehead Network
The Pitch: Television for gorillas who like to watch something besides their own muscles while they work out - and the ladies who love them.
Sample Programming:
MANswers
Guy's Big Bite
Tool Academy
Replays of baseball games from the '90s (and/or the Jose Canseco season of The Surreal Life)

Undergrad Hipster Girl Network
The Pitch: Ideal for the "misunderstood" young ladies at liberal arts schools around the country.
Sample Programming:
My Life As Liz
America's Next Top Model
True Blood
Loop of old-school Nickelodeon shows, including Are You Afraid of the Dark?, The Adventures of Pete & Pete, Hey Arnold!, etc.

Desperately Bored, Yet Satisfied Network
The Pitch: You say: "Nothing is on!" But all we hear is: "Nothing is on!"
Sample Programming:
Wife Swap
Family Guy
E! True Hollywood Story
Tosh.0

NYC Yuppie Network
The Pitch: What to watch when you're not obsessively checking Foursquare.
Sample Programming:
Mad Men
CBS Sunday Morning
Barefoot Contessa
Real Housewives of New York City (don't worry, we won't tell anyone)

Cool Grandma Network
The Pitch: For the senior citizen who "gets it."
Sample Programming:
Judge Judy
House Hunters
The Big Gay Sketch Show (the only good comedy left!)
American Idol

Hypochondriac Network
The Pitch: Don't freak out, but something could be wrong with you at this very moment.
Sample Programming:
I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant
House
Kitchen Nightmares
Basically just Discovery Health

Geek Victims of Fox Network
The Pitch: A safe haven for sci-fi fans who have been burned by the cruelty of Fox's Friday night scheduling/premature cancellation.
Sample Programming:
Dollhouse
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
Wonderfalls
Firefly
Brimstone
Dark Angel
The Lone Gunmen
Sliders
VR.5
John Doe (seriously, this network would never run out of programming)

Functioning Stoner Network
The Pitch: Where psychedelic occasionally meets "Seriously, think about the choices you've been making."
Sample Programming:
Yo Gabba Gabba!
Pushing Daises
Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Good Job!
Intervention

Walk 'n' Talk Network
The Pitch: Television for very important and very serious professionals with very important and very serious jobs who absolutely do not have the time to dillydally. In other words: Sorkin and nothing but.
Sample Programming:
Sports Night
West Wing
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
That one episode of Entourage with Aaron Sorkin