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Pretty Wild is Really Terrible

by Rachel Stein March 15, 2010 1:28 pm
<i>Pretty Wild</i> is Really Terrible

I'm not particularly a fan of Chelsea Handler, but I recognize that she's a successful, well-regarded comedian. When I first heard that she was an executive producer of Pretty Wild, I was intrigued to check the series out. After watching last night's premiere, all of my professional respect for Handler has vanished, because this show is one of the biggest pieces of crap I've ever encountered.

Andrea Arlington and her daughters Tess (19), Alexis (18), Gabby (15), are quintessential Hollywood trash. Every morning, Arlington literally feeds the girls Adderall and watches as they play on the stripper pole she installed in the living room. She home-schools her teens with a curriculum consisting of the only intellectually-derived information that she knows: (and I kid you not) the film adaptation of the book The Secret. Arlington also uses the self-help bible in lieu of discipline or moral guidance, primarily in the form of her very own made-up holistic prayer circles. I'm not about to criticize anyone's spiritual beliefs, but I will say that their worship always concludes with the extremely annoying quasi-catchphrase of the show, "So it is," which I would call a rip-off of Kurt Vonnegut's "So it goes," but I can't give this family the benefit of a doubt that any of its members have ever even heard of Slaughterhouse-Five, and my comparison itself warrants an apology to the late great Vonnegut, for so much as mentioning him among these grotesque morons.

Now, if you've watched any ridiculous candid reality shows about beautiful families with hideous agendas, I'm sure you could have guessed that Andrea plays manager to Tess and Alexis's modeling careers. In the first episode, the daughters and their momager (see what I did there?) go for an interview to be the faces for Biatta Intimates lingerie. After a montage of Tess and Alexis stripping down for a photo shoot, the girls are instantly hired.

Soon thereafter, we watch Tess and Alexis get ready for a night out. Dressed in insanely skimpy clothing, the teens sit among a bunch of other teat-sucking clones, all vying for the attention of Mickey Avalon (the refined singer of such classics as "My Dick") in order to become the star of his latest music video. Meanwhile, it's 3:00 AM, and we watch as Andrea phones Tess and Alexis nonstop to come home, but, in what I can't believe wasn't a tie in with Lady Gaga's "Telephone," the girls ignore her calls and instead manage to show of their stripper pole skills for the second time in 22 minutes. "Gross" doesn't begin to cover it.

The rest of the episode revolves around Alexis's arrest. Just imagine 10 minutes of the young lady squeezing her boobs together in THs, Tess flirting with paparazzi, 15-year-old Gabby crying, and Andrea praying to Bob Proctor (or something). Oh, and the next day, Tess struts her bare ass on the runway while her mother and sisters cheer her on.

I'd like to point out that thanks to Pretty Wild, VH1, a network notorious for pandering to the lowest common denominator, has managed to retain more tact than E!. Case in point: When VH1 found out that Megan Wants a Millionaire and I Love Money 3 contestant Ryan Jenkins was a murder suspect, the network immediately canceled both of the series on which he appeared. E!, on the other hand, has decided to hype its alleged criminal, while network executives pat themselves on the back for finding Alexis Neiers before she got "famous."

Look, I'm not above these ridiculous candid reality shows. Full disclosure: I love the Kardashians (I mean, not enough to buy QuickTrim or to even watch their shows on a regular basis, but I've gone so far as to have watched Khloe's wedding, ogled Kourtney's son's baby pictures, and purchased Kim's perfume), and it's painfully obvious that Andrea Arlington's family is desperately trying to ride on the coattails of the celebri-family trend with Pretty Wild. Unfortunately, the wannabe-socialites are missing a very big part of what makes the Kardashians oh-so-likable -- the smallest bit of integrity.

Did you watch the premiere of Pretty Wild and hate it as much as I did? Sound off in the comments!

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