Bravo decided to supersize The Real Housewives of New York's reunion this season, making it a three-hour, week-long extravaganza of crazy, accusations, denials, tears, walk-outs, "systematic bullying" and Andy Cohen, sitting there loving it. We watched all three hours, of course, and have concluded which 10 of the reunion's many moments are the finest. Slip into a straitjacket and read on for the deliciously depressing highlights.
10. "I Don't Know If I Could Do This Again"
That's cute, Jill Zarin. We all know there's no prison secure enough, no military force mighty enough on the entire planet to keep you away from this show.
9. "Your Plan Didn't Work"
Bethenny's assertion that Jill only turned around on her warpath because Bethenny got engaged and she didn't want to look bad by being the one not happy for the engaged girl seems dead on to me. Jill changed her position on Bethenny so lightning fast this season, and the only reason I can think of is that she somehow came to the conclusion that people wouldn't side with her at some point. Bethenny getting engaged and pregnant seems like the exact time something like that would occur to Jill.
8. "We Need a Court Reporter For You"
Almost every time Alex, Ramona or Bethenny brought up some wrong or another that Jill had purportedly done to them, Jill claimed she couldn't remember doing it and requested proof in the form of documents or videotape. Now, they could have been lying or exaggerating (exaggerating is always likely) their claims, but Bethenny losing her patience with Jill and screaming "Get the pit boss! I had a 21!" and "We need a court reporter for you!" was a great zing just the same.
7. "I'm a Little Psychic"
I knew Ramona was a little a lot of things, but psychic? Of course she is. And Pinot Grigio is her crystal ball.
6. Kelly's Contradictions
Kelly honestly has no idea why changing her personality on a whim, claiming to have principles that she does not have and just making whatever declarations about herself that come into her head without any basis for doing so is a strange thing to do. In short, she's so insane she doesn't even understand what making sense is.
5. "Your Blood Type Is, Like, Pinot Grigio"
A few times during the special, Kelly unexpectedly emerged with this kind of brilliant, biting clarity. The first was when she called the reunion "The Housewives courtroom with no judge" which is... pretty much accurate, actually. The second was when she told Ramona that her blood type was Pinot Grigio, which would be accurate if there actually were any blood left in Ramona's Pinot Grigio stream, but I take her point just the same.
4. Ramona's Dream Jill Zarin Impression
"I am Jill, holier than thou! Come worship me!" screamed through Ramona tears and flailing arms was the greatest thing I think I've ever seen in my entire life.
3. "It's Like Talking to Humpty Dumpty!"
The "systematic bullying" thing is just such a mountain of issues I don't even think I can touch half of them in one paragraph, but let's just all agree that Kelly is delusional beyond belief, and that Bethenny, though I understand her frustration, just looked so immature every time she tried to engage Kelly in a fight. Which was every few minutes, practically.
2. The Sabotage Claims
We found out that the real reason Bethenny won't forgive Jill is because Jill told Ramona and Alex to sabotage Bethenny's spin-off by refusing to film with her. That would have been the most scandalous event of the night had the Countess not admitted that they had all done that to each other throughout the course of the show, because, of course, they are all egomaniacal monsters. Bonus, though: At first Jill denied calling Ramona and e-mailing Simon, asking to see said e-mail and claiming it doesn't exist, then, a couple minutes later she fully admitted that she was wrong for doing it. Kind of makes you wonder why Jill even attempts to stick to her stories when she's so, so bad at it.
1. "Recover From What?"
And therein lies the dichotomy of Kelly Bensimon. I deeply want her to leave television and get psychiatric help, and yet the thought of her complete non-grip on reality leaving my life forever is a devastating thought. Did she go home and recover after her psychotic break in St. John? No, because according to her, the entire "Al Sharpton! Al Sharpton!" dinner party never even happened, everything is everyone else's fault and she's the sanest person in the room. It's the saddest entertainment in the world, but it's also the best entertainment in the world. She kind of embodies the entire Real Housewives franchise philosophy, doesn't she?
Did you watch? Surely, you must have opinions, Shirley. Discuss them below! And then enjoy our Real Housewives cross-franchise cage match.
Watch TWoP's editors discuss this summer's TV guilty pleasures in this segment airing on the New York Nonstop cable news channel:
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