Congratulations, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt -- you've managed to get yet another article written about you. It's sad that it had to be about you pretending to break up, but congrats on getting people (and People) to report on the break-up like it was real. (And saying it was over "fake bad press"? So meta!) Hopefully, this revelation won't affect your ability to get onto a show about single girls, Heidi, or your ability to dress like a hobo, Spencer, but if you're running out of fake scandals to milk, here are some headlines we came up with that we're pretty sure the more gullible celebrity rags will go for. Use them whenever you feel the warming glow of flashbulbs fading away and the cold winter of anonymity approaching. We've even suggested handy follow-up projects!
10. "Spencer Kidnaps Heidi, Demands She Love Him"
When the police standoff ends in a tearful embrace and reconciliation (between Spencer and Heidi, not Spencer and the cops), Heidi can decline to press charges, and they can then turn around and sell their story to the Lifetime Movie Network. We doubt Lifetime would let Heidi and Spencer play themselves, but it's going to be hard to fill their bikini top and ironic army fatigues, respectively.
9. "Heidi Pregnant! Spencer Furious!"
The tearful reunion would obviously have some unexpected consequences, so this would be the time to continue Heidi's stalled music career, by releasing a dance-music cover of Madonna's "Papa Don't Preach." Although, since Spencer will likely be pissed off about the pregnancy, she might want to change the lyrics to "Spencer Don't Preach." We're pretty sure Madonna won't give a darn, as long as she gets paid.
8. "Spencer and R-Pattz 'R' Feuding!"
While most people don't particularly care what Spencer thinks, says or does, talking smack about how Robert Pattinson thinks he's hot stuff will get him a lot of attention. If possible, he should try to be at the same party as Robert, pretend to be drunk, and maybe shove him around a little bit. Then Spencer should reveal the vampire movie script he's written and shop it around, saying it's "like Twilight, only more awesome."
7. "Heidi to Spencer: 'You're Not the Father'"
Just when Spencer is getting used to the idea of having a baby, it's time to drop this bombshell on the world, and hopefully the shock will be so great that the pair can book a guest spot on Oprah. ...Well, maybe Maury.
6. "Heidi Was Wrong: It's Spencer's Baby!"
After the dramatic reveal that Heidi was lying in order to stir up press (and punish him for the kidnapping thing), it'll be Spencer's turn to release a single, with him rapping a cover of 50 Cent's "Baby By Me." What, you thought we'd have him sing?
5. "Spencer: 'Mrs. Montag Robbed Me at Gunpoint'"
After reporting his own mother-in-law for supposedly pulling a gun on him outside his home and demanding all of his cash, Spencer will hopefully be able to drum up interest for his new screenplay, Mugger-in-Law, about a man who marries into a strangely familiar family of criminals.
4. "Heidi and Spencer Get Big News: It's a Girl!"
With the happy couple reunited as proud parents of an unborn baby, this would be the perfect time to release a line of "Heidi and Spencer" brand baby clothes, with cute, cartoon-baby versions of Heidi and/or Spencer on every piece. The baby Spencer would still have a beard, of course.
3. "Heidi Trapped in Out-of-Control Balloon"
The balloon will never be more than 10 feet off the ground, and there will be a rope attaching it to the ground at all times, but it will be out-of-control for the purposes of the article, and the fact that a pregnant woman was in it will polarize the nation. Heidi will of course be asked to be the spokeswoman for the newly-formed group MAHAB, Mothers Against Hot-Air Balloons.
2. "Heidi Faked Pregnancy; Spencer Says 'I'm Done!'"
Although many will see this move coming, the blatant theft of a plotline from Glee will still make headlines, and will be the couple's best chance to score cameos on the show, possibly as celebrity judges at Nationals, but more likely as McKinley high's new secretary and janitor. (After an appropriate period of separation, naturally.)
1. "Spencer Falls Down Sinkhole, Presumed Dead"
While on a bender through Central America, devastated by the betrayal by his wife, Spencer will drunkenly stumble too close to the giant, 30-story sinkhole in Guatemala and vanish. The authorities will be unable to find him, and Heidi will enter a mourning period, only coming out to film an MTV special about widows on the prowl. Meanwhile, a black-haired, black-bearded gentleman who looks a lot like Spencer will show up and pitch Guatemalan MTV on a new reality series called Las Montañas.
See what Stephanie Pratt revealed about the reality of the reality TV of The Hills.
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