Like all Bachelor/Bachelorette couples save Trista and Ryan and Jason and Molly (who don't count), Jake and Vienna very publicly broke up well before their ABC-televised free wedding. It would be sad if we cared, but what has been sad is their back and forth sniping in the tabloids, and the fact that ABC decided to make them participate in a Chris Harrison-mediated fight over why they broke up, which they crammed into the end of last night's Bachelorette episode. It was ugly and pathetic and generally the highlight of our summer so far. Here are our favorite parts.
"I was there in St. Lucia, when you were in love, and it was beautiful." -- Chris Harrison
The way Chris Harrison chose to reinforce the show's message that the engagements they force into being are real and natural put him in the role of a bewildered child being told of his parents' divorce. Repeatedly whimpering about "But... but... we hadanicedinner! Just two weeks ago!" was hilariously pathetic, even for him.
Jake's smug smile
I can understand why Jake might think this ridiculous exercise in blaming and saving face was beneath him (it's not, but I can see him thinking that), but he has to be regretting the way he handled himself last night. That Tom Cruise smirk, the condescension, the flippant dismissal of every accusation lobbed at him, and the way his temper was so plainly revealed at the end was bush league. He should have Jill Zarin'd this reunion and gotten media coached to death beforehand. Instead he clearly just winged it, and he came off as a weird, slightly terrifying asshole.
"I had a gay guy, named Todd over!" -- Vienna
Todd? His name's Todd? Well. I'm sold. (Also, how wonderfully telling was it that Jake's whole life was thrown into tumult by the presence of a gay guy? Just saying: bet that happens a lot. )
"OK, we don't really care about the dog." -- Chris Harrison
Chris Harrison is a seasoned professional who just really knows how to delicately keep an interview on-track.
"Can we get a poliograph [sic] test? Do we have one of those? 'Cause you would fail it!" -- Vienna
Vienna pronounces things strangely ("exspecially" also seems to be a favorite of hers), but she was on fire last night. She was so angry, and so clearly traumatized by what she'd gone through that I just... believed her. Almost everything she said, with the exception of the egregiously fake crying at the end. It's entirely possible that she's just a great actress, but at least she had reasons for the relationship going to hell. What even is Jake's side of the story? That he doesn't like the way she arranges furniture? Which brings me to...
The dumbest disagreements I've ever heard.
Jake's main problem with dating Vienna was that she uses a GPS while driving in a strange new town and she has opinions on how furniture could be arranged. And yes, that she is prone to tantrums, which I believe is true, but the girl was 23-years-old for the majority of their relationship. What did Jake (who is 32, mind you) expect? A mature elder stateswoman? 23-year-olds are pretty universally immature, Jake. That's why you don't propose marriage to them.
"Obviously, this was going to hell in a handbasket in a hurry." --
Way to alliterate, Chris Harrison! Great job!
The cheating accusations.
The whole thing about Vienna cheating with Gregory Michael just seems ridiculously unfounded to me, but whatever -- even if it didn't, Jake was so much more focused on and enraged by the furniture arranging than the purported cheating that his assertions about Vienna being the whore of the charity circuit were suspicious at best. If he really believes Vienna cheated on him he doesn't seem to mind very much. Not that he was having sex with her anyway.
"You stopped being intimate the second month we were together." -- Vienna
The fact that we've heard all about whether or not these people had a lot or a little intercourse over the span of their brief relationship remains very disturbing, but it was hilarious that Jake couldn't really come up with a reason why he stopped having sex with her. Like everything, it just came back to the furniture again and again. Did he put any thought whatsoever into what he was going to say beforehand?
"You are a famewhore is what you are!" -- Vienna
Obviously, everyone on that stage is a famewhore -- including Chris Harrison -- but still: good job knowing what everyone is thinking, Vienna.
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