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Schmemmys 2010: Not So Inconsequential This Year

The Creative Arts Emmys were held this past Saturday, and though most of the categories are for essential yet unglamorous jobs we don't care to hear about, they are increasingly cramming more and more actually important (to us) categories into the oft-overlooked Schmemmys. By way of PSA, here are the night's awards and winners you probably do care about that you shouldn't be looking for in the real Emmys broadcast this Sunday.

Best Guest Actress in a Comedy: Betty White, Saturday Night Live
She beat Kristin Chenoweth, Jane Lynch, Tina Fey and Christine Baranski, which sounds hard, Emmy-ily speaking, but when you take into consideration the fact that she can hold like one zillion PetMeds packages at once it kinda makes sense that she can do the impossible all the time.

Best Guest Actor in a Drama Series: John Lithgow, Dexter
Obviously, John Lithgow was not a guest actor, as he was in every episode of Dexter last season and this category is a farce, but he does deserve an award for that performance. And if possible I'd like to give him an extra award of some sort for confusing his networks and thanking HBO instead of Showtime, a mistake I make almost daily. Another mistake I make a lot: enraging Alex O'Loughlin fans. Is there an award for that? Can the Internet and I have it?

Best Guest Actress in a Drama Series: Ann Margaret, SVU
She beat Elizabeth Mitchell for Lost, and some people are very upset about that. Personally, I think it would be much more productive for those people to direct that ire at V for sucking the talent right out of her.

Best Guest Actor in a Comedy Series: Neil Patrick Harris, Glee
NPH is the best, that episode was very fun, and we love him dearly just like we should, but Mike O'Malley was indeed robbed here. If this outcome isn't absolute, irrefutable proof that the majority of Emmy voters do not watch television, I don't know what is.

Best Commercial: The Man Your Man Could Smell Like -- Old Spice Body Wash
But at least they watch enough of it to know that the Old Spice guy rules (he even beat Betty White's Snickers commercial!). Their grandchildren probably mentioned it.

Best Reality Program: Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution
This show about how we Americans feed our schoolchildren lard fried in corn syrup with a side of fried fries and a tall glass of corn syrup garbage milk for every meal beat Kathy Griffin's show about her mom's box of wine and her gays. I like Kathy, but she's won before, and she's never ground up a bunch a chicken blood and cartilage and fed it to 9-year-olds just to teach them a lesson, so, you know, what did she expect? There's no beating that caliber of television.

Best Reality Host: Jeff Probst, Survivor
Putting aside my indignation over Cat Deeley and Padma Lakshmi's snubs in this category for a moment, how does Phil Keoghan, the host of the show that wins Best Reality Show every single year never win for hosting that show? Like Probst would ever stand in the Russian snow in his man-panties just to introduce a jogging challenge.

Best Variety Writing: The Colbert Report
You know that category where all the late night writers' names get read off accompanied by some zany video footage of them in monkey costumes, or as members of some Black Friday riot in Wal-Mart or something equally delightful and entertaining? It ain't happening this year. Some say it's because NBC didn't want to deal with the possibility of Conan winning, some say... well, that's all anybody says, actually, but the point is now moot because Colbert took it. They should have just risked it -- the odds that Emmy voters are hip enough to know that Jack Paar's not still hosting The Tonight Show are incredibly slim.

Your reactions to the awards? Leave them in the comments, then peruse our list of who will win and who should win on Emmy night.

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